3 years and the sting feels the same

It's been 3 years since we lost our babe Lily in a miscarriage and the sting feels the same. It's always the little things that stop me in my tracks and make me flash back to those days. Things like going to Ikea. It sounds silly but when I was miscarrying I took a trip to Ikea with some friends from work to get my mind off the horrible process that was going on in my body and mind. I trudged around the store in pain but it got my mind off of things for a second. I'm going back to Ikea with my family today for the first time since then and it seems silly, but I think it will be hard. The memories kick up when I do things like that.

I know that my pain is not in vain. I'm reminded in these times of disparity that my story is much like the stories of millions of other women, our silent heartaches eating us alive on the inside. I want to shout it out from rooftops that "you are not alone, I know what you are going through" but at the end of the day there aren't many resources for women who have lost babies..

I've been going to a really amazing counselor since everything happened with the horrific pregnancy, delivery and recovery I had with my boy Trust and I'm amazed at how much surfaces from the miscarriage I had. I have shared with my counselor the songs I've written through the whole process and she asked specifically that I make a CD for a couple who also lost their child. My first inclination was excitement. I felt that the pain I experienced wasn't a waste, but that I could show someone there is hope beyond the agony they are in at the present.

Another friend of mine messaged me recently telling me that she was going through a miscarriage and that she remembered the blog I wrote while I was miscarrying was inspirational to her and wanted to read it again since she was going through the same horrible process trying to deal. My heart aches when I get messages like this. And I have gotten MANY since I was so vocal about the loss of our 1st babe. It saddens me that women can't talk about it... Oh the deep seated wound it causes in the soul.

God constantly reminds me of the verse "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." (Genesis 50:20 NIV) Joseph is saying this to his brothers after they tried to kill him, sold him into slavery and told his father he was dead. Joseph ends up becoming a very important figure in Egypt and when he is faced with the pain of seeing his brothers again he has such amazing perspective. He sees the whole picture, though through many tears and wrestling with God he gets there. I am starting to see this in my own life. That the pain and anguish I've experienced was not for no reason. Satan intended to harm me, but God is going to use it for good.