Breaking the Silence

Did you know 1 in 4 women lose their babies in miscarriages?

When I was pregnant with my 1st baby I was clueless about miscarriage. I told everyone without shame I was pregnant and made plans, had hopes & dreams about what my baby would be like. My plans, hopes & dreams for my precious babe were abruptly haulted when I found out I was miscarrying on Easter Sunday 5 years ago. I was 12 weeks pregnant and my despair swallowed me whole.

I felt so alone....for a while.

Women from church, work, etc came to me with their stories about babies they themselves lost in a miscarriage. I was amazed. Why didn't I know??? Why hadn't someone told me???

 What I sense from many women about miscarriage is the shame of keeping silent, of lessening their grief because they hadn't carried their baby to term, because their loss wasn't as "big" as other people's loss. Most women don't even speak about their pregnancy until they are 12 weeks and "in the clear". I say BREAK THE SILENCE. The more people that know about your baby good or bad the more support you will have in the days ahead. Shout your baby's name from the rooftop if it helps. Your baby has worth no matter how small, he/she has a place in your heart and should be honored for even the short or long time you get to be with him/her.

I know this notion is Taboo in many circles.. It was to me for a while too. I changed my mind when I just couldn't contain my longing and sadness and grief. I wanted someone to know I had a daughter and I was PROUD. I even stood up on Mother's Day at my church right after I miscarried in March to make a statement to myself that I was a Mother. To validate my emotions & say I really was pregnant and really DO have a daughter waiting for me with Jesus when I go to heaven.

Did you know that in October 1988 President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month?

 October 15th specifically is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. On this day women all around the world have memorial ceremonies and light candles for the babies that they have lost. Bringing validation to the life that was lost and a place for parents to grieve because most of the time with losses of babies, memorial services don't happen.

This year on October 15th I want to do a special memorial service at my church and invite anyone who wants to come remember their baby. I have some beautiful illustrations and things the parents can take with them to remember their baby and that their is hope.

Friends, I want you to know it's okay to talk about the baby you lost. Here is the cool thing I want to leave you with.. With Jesus, we don't have to just end at grief, loss & emptiness. With Jesus, the conquerer of death, we will one day meet our babies and all things will be as they should be. Amen.

Songs for healing

I've started work on a new music project called "songs for healing".

I wrote a few songs after I had a miscarriage on Easter Sunday 5 years ago, and more after the crazy life threatening pregnancy & delivery I had with my son Trust. I never thought anyone should ever hear the songs, that maybe they were just for me to process through my emotions.

Well, this isn't the case now.

I meet with a counselor to work through the depression, post traumatic stress and the emotional wreckage these past 5 years have brought.

One session I was talking with my counselor about the songs I've written during the healing process and she simply said "Heather, I need these songs! Do you have a recording of them anywhere?" I'm sure I looked flustered when I answered "Well, I have some rough recordings and could lay down the rest of the songs for you I suppose.." She went on to explain there was a woman she meets with that had still births and that she wanted to give my music to her. The next couple weeks I got all of my rough recordings of the songs together and gave the CD to her to give to the woman.

Weeks went by and I didn't hear anything and I thought nothing of it.

I went to see my counselor one day and she greeted me at the door and said, "heather, there is someone I want you to meet." She continued to say "this is the woman I gave your music to." Me and the woman locked eyes and both started to cry. We hugged and cried together because we knew what the other had suffered through and she thanked me.

This CD is super vulnerable and touches the deepest hurts in my heart and I love it. I think people need to know that it is ok to not be happy all the time. That it is ok to grieve when you've lost someone. It's ok to crumble and not have to put on an act that you are doing fine. It's ok to cry and it's not a weakness but a tool.

We tend to wear masks in front of each other and I think it's time to start taking them off and being real. No matter what you are going through, we should be able to bear with each other and not judge how far on the journey to recovery each person is at. Instead, embrace the place on the journey you are in and walk it out and grow through it. There is no sense in jumping ahead if you aren't ready yet.. Walk at a pace that is good for you, and walk it with Jesus.

Songs for Healing- Deeper Still

Through the whole process of Losing my 1st baby in a miscarriage, through the sadness of trying to conceive again for a year after, through a complicated pregnancy and an even more complicated delivery, I coped with the pain, grief and trauma through one thing....

Music.

I am a singer songwriter, so music comes like breathing to me. As my brain swirls and swishes with thoughts & pains, they slow down and filter my emotions when I turn them into song. I sing out my hearts aches, guitar in hand, paper blank with possibilities in front of me. I sing my soul out to God and I feel comforted yet vulnerable before Him. The strangest things are unearthed in these intimate moments. I'll share one moment with you...

It was Easter Sunday, a day marked with lots of emotion, grief and memories of losing our 1st baby, (we her named Lily after the Easter Lily) in a miscarriage. It's always a bitter sweet day. A day that is marked with the Hope of Jesus rising from the dead and declaring victory over death and sin, is also a day we get hit in the gut with memories of losing our baby to death. So being a songwriter I filter my emotions through the melodies of song.

I read a quote by Corrie Ten Boom earlier that day that stuck with me as I went to write this song: "No matter how deep the pit, God is deeper still" This thought echoed in the chambers of my heart and made me realize no matter how deep in pain and grief I am, God can reach in and pull me out. I'm never too far out of His reach and He is never in over His head. He can handle all of the hurt and pain I am in.

So here is the song. It's called Deeper Still.

Verse 1:
This grief it swallows me like
The deepest of the darkest nights
This pit that I have fallen in
Has overcome me

I reach for you to take my hand
Wondering if you can
Pull me from the depths of
This pit that I fell in

Chorus:
But you are deeper still
Yes you are deeper still
My God you're deeper still
You are deeper still

Verse 2:
This Grief that buried me alive
You've raised me with your Love and I
Know that I have purpose when
I fix my eyes on You

Bridge:
As I reach for you
I can see
That God you've never left me
In my pain

Chorus 2:
Cuz You are deeper than anything I've done
Your Mercy's deeper still
You are deeper than any pit I've dug
Your Love goes deeper still

Blog for Mom's who've lost a Child or with Traumatic Birth Experiences

I miscarried my Daughter Lily on Easter Sunday 2008. Lily left such in imprint on my life that I want to share her story and the continuing "Story of Trust" I have been processing through. 

Through many complications and near death experiences my son Trust Emmanuel was born June, 22nd 2010. Trust is a miracle through and through, but the hurt and trauma of his birth and recovery have been more than I could handle on my own. 

I am writing this blog to reach out to mom's who've lost a child, or have had a traumatic birth experience. I am realizing there are not many resources out there to help process and work through these TOUGH issues. 

I want to give mom's who feel alone and scared a voice and place of support. We NEED each other.  We need JESUS to heal our scars. PLEASE contact me with your story... If you are ok with me sharing on this blog, let me know! I am realizing God can use our stories to help others, and it is so important to share our stories so we know that we aren't alone in this. 

This is an amazing song written by JJ Heller, a Christian Singer/Songwriter. She Wrote this song after hearing about the story of precious Olivianna, baby who died at birth. I have had it on repeat these past 2 days. It is very hopeful!

Hearts broke
When your heart stopped beating
I don't Know if mine will ever stop bleeding

Eleven minutes...
To breathe you in
I felt the darkness
When I knew I couldn't hold you again
When I knew I couldn't hold you again

Olivianna, you're in the arms of God
Just a moment there is better than here

Life is short but it is wide
I know it's true
You touched more souls
Than most people ever do

Olivianna, you're in the arms of God
Just a moment there is better than here

You could not stay with us (echoed)
We will come to you (echoed)
You could not stay with us (echoed)
Oh oh oh oh 
You're going home love
Where you belong
Oh my baby, girl
I'll see you soon

Olivianna, you're in the arms of God
Just a moment there is better than here
Olivianna, you're in the arms of God
Just a moment there is better than here