No Timeline on Grief

There is no timeline on grief.

It swings in & out like a pendulum, sweeping in at the most random moments. 

I had a dream the other night that I couldn't shake. I dreamed the tattoo of a Lily I got as a memorial for my daughter Lily we lost on Easter Sunday in 2008, washed off. I saw it happening before my eyes, & I couldn't stop it from washing away. After it was gone I tried to remember what it looked like to replace it. 

I woke up from the dream and looked at my wrist to see if the Lily was still there, it felt so real. 

The next day Trust randomly talked about Lily.  He often does, because he sees my tattoo & asks lots of questions about why I got it & what happened. I share with him openly about everything & he NEVER forgets her. It's almost heart wrenching how he brings her into everything. Like if I say we have 2 kids he always reminds me we have 3, one is just in heaven. 

Recently, a good friend asked me if we were going to have any more kids & time stood still for a second as I said "no", but in my heart it felt like there was a hole, a gap where a third child should be. I told her about Lily. I cried as I told her this loaded answer to a simple question & she cried with me. 

I will never have another child of my own because I get SO sick to the point of almost dying + my recovery takes years. I'm still dealing with terrible thyroid problems from my last pregnancy. So a third baby is definitely not in our future. It's just that awful nagging feeling of what could have been that feels so hard & sad.

I think the thing that breaks my heart the most is seeing how well Trust & my niece Chloe play. They are best friends! I often compare what Lily would be like to Chloe because Lily would be a little older than her. It's hard because Story my youngest is 21 months & Trust loves her, but they don't really interact much because of the huge age gap. He often says, "I wish Lily was here. I'd have someone to play with." I reply through chocked back tears, "I wish that too buddy."

It does get easier in a way.. time does make you forget the sting of death, but the scar is always there, it doesn't ever quite heal fully. 

I love how Trust reminds me so asurredly that we will see her in heaven. Death feels so final, but the hope of what Jesus has accomplished through His death & resurrection so that death wouldn't have the final word, is incredible. My Grandma Waugh is currently in her final days battling stage 4 cancer & it's been so hard. The thing I keep reminding myself is soon, she will get to see her Husband, her her brother, Mother & Father & hold her great grand babies that are in heaven! That thought brings me to tears & one day we'll all be reunited because of what Jesus did! That is SO COOL. The end is not the end, but really a new beginning!

The song "You're Beautiful" is a lovely reminder of this thought. It goes:

"When we arrive at eternity's shore, where death is just a memory & tears are no more, we'll enter in as the wedding bells ring, your bride will come together & we'll sing, You're beautiful."

So as we live in this tension of the now & the not yet, we can be assured, death doesn't have the final say. That one day all will be made right & we can hold the ones we've lost again! 💓

I wrote this song about grief. Corrie Ten Boom had a quote that said "No matter how deep the pit, Gods love is deeper still." No matter where you are in the grief process know God is with you in it! His love is deeper than any pit or place of grief you find yourself in. 

Love is Worth the Fight

I see my love there, 9 months across a battlefield

The war in front of me will try to claim my life

But I'm not afraid, 'cuz love is worth the fight.

Some days I want to give up, hours feel like days

But I won't surrender to this death dark as night

It won't steal my light, cuz love is worth the fight

I started the beginning of a song this morning, thinking of the struggle and battle of Hyperemesis Gravadium. It is literally a fight every second that takes a choice to keep going and not surrender to the  debilitating condition. At moments, love is the only thing that keeps you going, remembering there is a point to all the suffering. A sweet baby. Hold tight to hope. Love is worth the fight! 

 

Small steps, small bites, not out of the woods yet

After my last episode of vomiting uncontrollably due to Hyperemesis Gravadium (a condition during pregnancy that causes extreme nausea and vomiting) and going to the hospital for meds and fluids, I'm glad at report I am doing better-ish. I haven't thrown up in 4 days, which is a miracle, but the constant nagging nausea & gagging reminds me I'm not out of the woods yet. 

After I got out of the hospital, my family had a secret meeting about how to take care of Trust AND me, since I'm unable to take care of myself without throwing up violently while getting up to do anything. My family is amazing. They made a weekly schedule to take care of me and Trust. On Monday my husband is home from work & on Tuesdays & Thursdays I go to my sisters house around the corner & on Wednesday and Friday my mom & Dad take care of me & Trust, Saturday my hubby is home & Sunday my Grandma.  They get me something to munch on every two hours like a smoothie, banana, muffin and I just lie still and try my best to keep it down. It's going well like I said, but it can be hard to rely so heavily on other people to care for you and lonely to not be able to move or talk much. You just sort of feel helpless.

Surviving the misery of constant nausea and gagging + hating every time I have to eat, choking it down as I gag + the bordem that ensues of day in day out watching TV, unable to move + only showering every 4 days risking a vomiting fit + losing connection with the world is maddening at times. Honestly though, I don't even have time to think if I am depressed or about my emotions because the reality of the misery of everyday is all I can deal with from moment to moment. 

Like last time, I realize the trauma of suffering through something like this usually hits later. I spent months in counseling hashing through all the emotions of sadness, torture & desperation I felt. Unfortunately, I had a lot more to deal with last time b/c I had some MAJOR complications that almost took my life on several occasions. That kind of stuff shakes you up in a way that you're not sure you will ever be the same. I wrestled through so much depression and luckily I had an amazing counselor + wrote lots of music to get me through all of it. 

I am a singer songwriter so music is a huge way I work through things and I wrote a song when I was starting to heal from depression and Post Traumatic Stress called "Out of the Woods". In the song it talks about anxiety, depression, addiction being like this deep dark wood. The farther in you go, the harder it is to get out. The end talks about how Gods word & truth is the light that guides us out of the darkness and it really speaks true to my situation. God is the only one able to speak to the broken, dark, sad, terrible places we have been through. He can and will draw you out of that place if you look for him. I find myself in that place again because of circumstances trying to swallow me up and it's ok. It's a journey, a process and it molds us into who we are.

Watch the music video for Out of the Woods: http://youtu.be/qygHNLcovVg

A heartbeat of hope

On Tuesday I saw my new doctor for the first time and had my first ultrasound! 

I liked her right away. She looked down at the bright red bowl in my hand and said "not feeling so good these days?" To which I answered "not at all". I grasped tightly to my bowl, uncertain how much longer I could hold down my partially eaten lunch. 

I leaned back and looked over to the black and white ultrasound screen, when I saw it! A cute little bean with a racing heartbeat on the screen. He/she even moved around a bit for us! My eyes watered up and I couldn't stop smiling. This was the hope I needed to keep going. 

My doc upped my meds and prescribed a dissolvable tablet for me to take. 

That night and the next day started a not so fun trend of throwing up every time I got up. (7 or more times, I lost count) I couldn't keep anything down so I called the nurses at my doctors office. They prescribed me a new medicine + an anti acid. I took the new medicine that night and it knocked me out. The next day I took it first thing in the AM (I have a window of 10 min in the morning where I feel ok) and I felt like a zombie, in and out of sleep unable to keep my eyes open long. I think it helped my nausea and vomiting, not because it actually helps but because you sleep most of the time. 

My son is 4 and he was happy playing Legos and watching lots of cartoons. He is such a great independent player and knows where his snacks and drinks are and helps himself! He is such a good boy. I don't know how some momma's do it with young-ins. 

I am struggling this morning. Brett got me a bowl of cereal that I threw up shortly after because I got up to get my medicine. I am unable to move currently, remaining as still as possible, trying to keep it together. I'm not sure what to do from here. How can I take a shower, take care of Trust, eat, go to the bathroom without throwing up? I haven't showered for 3 days did I mention that? I haven't eaten a full meal in... I'm not sure how long. I can't smell food cooking without gagging and retching. My legs are like noodles. My eyes are bloodshot...

I'm praying constantly. "God help. Get me through these next 2 days, 2hours, 2 minutes. Keep this baby strong. Help me to be strong." On and on and on.. But When I saw that little glimmer of hope in that heartbeat on the ultra sound, I knew God has given me all that I need to get through this. That sometimes life is a struggle. You aren't always going to be happy. There are parts in this journey that are hard and that is ok. I love how God sprinkles those little breadcrumbs of hope along the way. To keep us going, to help us not lose sight of what we are fighting for. 

Hours feel like days, days feel like an eternity

I'm 9 weeks pregnant today HORAAY! 

It's 5:30am and I am awake and my stomach betrays me when I get up to get a glass of water to take my anti nausea meds. As I'm retching over the kitchen sink I'm crying, and crying out to God "get me through this!! Make me brave!! I seriously can't do this, but I'm Trusting you to make me strong enough." I'm pounding the counter frustrated at my body being stronger than my will. 

Yesterday started miserably and I was hoping today would offer the relief I needed. Yesterday I threw up EVERYTIME I got out of bed. I was in good spirits at the beginning of the day making jokes with my mom about how I was only going to eat things that taste good coming back up, but by the end of the day my body ached from retching,  shaking and I felt weary. Hours feel like Days, days feel like an eternity. It's tourtureous.

It's been a slow fade. From what I read, 8-10 weeks is when your body produces the most hormones and when sickness is at it's worst and when  hyperemesis gravidarum starts to kick up. 

I've been holding out because tomorrow is when I see my doctor and will hopefully start making some hard choices about treatment. I was on a medicine pump last time that made it so I could function better even though it didn't fully take away the persistent, always there, nausea. 

More than getting the help I desperately need, I can't wait to see my sweet babe on the ultrasound. It's REALLY HARD to believe that I am pregnant at this point. It feels more like I'm undergoing cancer treatments & dying instead of carrying a precious baby. So when I see that hope appear on the ultrasound screen, I will gain a bit more strength that I need to get through this...Living motivation that there is goodness on the other side of suffering.  

"Songs for Healing" EP- Stories Behind the Songs

I'm so happy to announce the "Songs for Healing" EP is up on iTunes, CD Baby & More.

Listen & buy it here:
http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/heatherevans4

I'm happy not just because I think it is one of the most beautiful projects I've gotten to do sonically (BIG thanks to Chris Gatton for recording and doing the instrumentation!), but also what each song means to me personally and to the many others who listen to it and relate to it.

This EP is intended for people who have lost a child, but I'm realizing it's reaching beyond that.. That if you've experienced the depths of depression, the unsureness of your identity after losing something or the feeling of hope just out of reach, you will definitely relate to this EP as well. :)

The reason behind this EP is simple. My husband and I lost our 1st baby, Lily on Easter Sunday, 5 years ago at 12-13 weeks. A gap was left in our heart, hope of having a child was just out of our reach and I turned to music to help ease my pain. As I looked I couldn't find much that fit my "style" or said what I wanted to say. It was frustrating. So I started to write my feelings out, guitar in hand, and what I came up with was over 10 songs that were my gateway to healing. I wasn't sure if they would go anywhere, until my counselor requested my songs for a woman who lost 4 children. Seeing her reaction to the songs made me realize I couldn't just keep them for myself, other people needed these songs for healing. :)

So here we go. The reasons behind the songs.

1.) The Wall
I wrote "The Wall" in 15 minutes or less in the attic of an old Monastery turned into a retreat center in Cincinnati, Ohio. I was pouring out my heart full of insecurities to God in the form of a song telling Him "I can't do this". Struggling with the crippling depression and unsureness of who I am now, hardened and scarred with losses.. Putting up walls against people and God because of those hurts. As I was writing the song dwelling on the hurt, I got to the 3rd verse that says "There's a love that's opening my eyes, there's a peace that's casting out my fears, there's a joy I cannot hide, when you tell me I can do this, you tell me I can do this!" Then the 2nd chorus says "Cuz you come tell me have faith in what you can't see, when I'm too focused on, the things that try to break me, and you come sweetly and I'm so humbled, oh God you love me, you bring life back to these eyes.." It was like a turning point. Like God was speaking to me personally and shifting the focus in my life back to Him instead of the pain.

2.) Heaven Come Soon
I wrote "Heaven Come Soon" in my favorite writing spot, my attic. I was thinking about a vision I had while in counseling of seeing Lily, my daughter. It was an emotional moment where I saw the most clear picture of her holding the hand of Jesus, when she turned back and waved at me. Her hair was long and blonde and her eyes were bright blue like my sons. (I am crying now just thinking about it!!) The song is all about longing to see her sweet face again, but knowing that I'm caught in the tension of the "now" and the "not yet". The "now" is the waiting, the pain, where death still happens.. The "not yet" is the hope of Jesus making all things new with no more death, tears, pain. Where I'll see Lily and Jesus face to face and things will be made right. It's a hard place to be when you've lost someone, but hopeful because you know this isn't the end. I hesitated putting it on this EP, but decided even though it hurt, it would hopefully help someone who needed it.

3.) Let it Go (The Balloon Song)
I wrote "Let it Go (The Balloon Song)" in my attic also. Actually, a friend of mine was making a video for an organization and asked if I had any instrumental songs she could use. I didn't have any, but I thought I'd give a shot at writing one. :) She wanted it to be hopeful, so I placed my fingers on the strings and started with a very hopeful verse into sort of a pensive chorus, then later went back and recorded some lead parts over the main chords and sent it off. As I started recording this project with Chris Gatton, I told him about the instrumental song and he recorded all the parts on guitar & added some piano. When I heard what he did, I felt really inspired! He told me the song reminded him of a balloon floating away and as the song played through on the speakers, I told him I heard the words "Let it go" then he chimed in with "Time to let it go" and we repeated that back and forth. I'm so glad it morphed into what it is! It is my 1st instrumental song and I'm so glad it's on this EP. It is a good break for the listener to just process and cry or shout or add their own words. :)

4.) Deeper Still
I wrote "Deeper Still" on Easter Sunday (the day we lost our babe) 2 years ago.  I had heard a quote earlier that day by Corrie Ten Boom that says "No matter how deep the pit, God is deeper still." It stuck with me all day. I was at my parents house and my son Trust was taking a nap, so I slipped away to the spare bedroom with my guitar and started to sing. Thinking of God, who He is, as big enough to handle my pain and grief. That no matter how big the pit of grief I had dug myself into, He was big enough to pull me up out of it. To turn my pain around and give me a purpose in that pain. Sure enough, I am seeing that come around.

5.) Hope in a Bottle
I wrote "Hope in a Bottle" in my Kitchen. It gets SUPER hot in my attic in the Summer so my writing/playing space turns into the kitchen during that time of the year. I couldn't come up with the 2nd verse so I had Chris Gatton help me with it, which turned out great because of that. I was thinking about after we lost our baby Lily, a lot of things were unsure. The hope we had of having a child disintegrated, unsure if we could carry a child to term. I had to come to a point of standing on the shoreline of my hopes and fears and give them to God. That I had no control of them, but God did. So the whole song is a picture of me putting my hopes in a bottle and throwing them out to the treacherous waves of the ocean that only God controls, watching helplessly as they go farther out of my reach. Luckily for my, hope of a baby did come back around to me, but it definitely wasn't easy.

Old Post Revisited- Due Date

I came across a post I wrote on November 20th of 2008. I wrote it on the date that was to be my daughter Lily's "Due Date" and thought it might help some of you who are wrestling through some similar emotions of losing a baby as well.

I still think of our 1st unborn babe and when I do tears swell up in my eyes. She would be 4 years old this year. Tears of hope and of longing. My thinking has shifted away from grief to hope these days though. No more do I think of not seeing my unborn babe in this life but that I WILL see her in heaven someday.

Know that it is okay to feel. To grieve. No longer how long it's been, the sting of death is still hard...
-----------------------------------

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2008

"Wallow"-a Gilmore reference

So the episode of Gilmore Girls where Loreli tries to get Rory to "wallow" in the pain of her recent break-up with Dean came to my mind just now. She tells Rory to get a bucket of icecream, lay in bed all day, cry it out.. Yesterday I had a grand time wallowing! :) Although I wasn't breaking up with a beloved boyfriend, the emotion is the same. Hurt, Grief, and the thought that nothing will be the same.

Rory and I are similar in the fact that we didn't want to wallow right away.. We refused to in fact. It was just too hard to deal with it, so no wallowing.. Life has to go on. the thought of I just want to be normal or If I stop here I will drown in grief for heaven sakes!

 Rory says, "MOM LEAVE ME ALONE!" Heather says, "GOD LEAVE ME ALONE!" 

Then I realize today is my due date. "Today is the day I would have met my baby. Today is the day most moms take their baby home from the hospital."-- I don't get any farther before the excessive tears come.. 

The wallowing Begins

I cried all night.

I cried when I woke up the next morning.

I went back to sleep.

Slept for hours more.

Ate whatever I wanted to eat. (popsicles instead of icecream for me!)

I read Hans Christian Anderson.

I read www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com (Cried MORE tears)

I wallowed. I missed. I wondered. I agonized. I cried more.

Today when I woke up I feel the scar. I see it in my eyes. A beautiful reminder that I have a daughter. That I experienced something more amazing in the few months I was with her than I ever have in a lifetime. "She's opened my eyes to see, that there is more to life than this". I am better and worse because of it. I am stronger and weaker because of it..

After reading www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com I was reminded that Jesus was left with scars too. A beautiful reminder of the suffering he went through for love. 

AMEN.