Old Post Revisited- Due Date

I came across a post I wrote on November 20th of 2008. I wrote it on the date that was to be my daughter Lily's "Due Date" and thought it might help some of you who are wrestling through some similar emotions of losing a baby as well.

I still think of our 1st unborn babe and when I do tears swell up in my eyes. She would be 4 years old this year. Tears of hope and of longing. My thinking has shifted away from grief to hope these days though. No more do I think of not seeing my unborn babe in this life but that I WILL see her in heaven someday.

Know that it is okay to feel. To grieve. No longer how long it's been, the sting of death is still hard...
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THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2008

"Wallow"-a Gilmore reference

So the episode of Gilmore Girls where Loreli tries to get Rory to "wallow" in the pain of her recent break-up with Dean came to my mind just now. She tells Rory to get a bucket of icecream, lay in bed all day, cry it out.. Yesterday I had a grand time wallowing! :) Although I wasn't breaking up with a beloved boyfriend, the emotion is the same. Hurt, Grief, and the thought that nothing will be the same.

Rory and I are similar in the fact that we didn't want to wallow right away.. We refused to in fact. It was just too hard to deal with it, so no wallowing.. Life has to go on. the thought of I just want to be normal or If I stop here I will drown in grief for heaven sakes!

 Rory says, "MOM LEAVE ME ALONE!" Heather says, "GOD LEAVE ME ALONE!" 

Then I realize today is my due date. "Today is the day I would have met my baby. Today is the day most moms take their baby home from the hospital."-- I don't get any farther before the excessive tears come.. 

The wallowing Begins

I cried all night.

I cried when I woke up the next morning.

I went back to sleep.

Slept for hours more.

Ate whatever I wanted to eat. (popsicles instead of icecream for me!)

I read Hans Christian Anderson.

I read www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com (Cried MORE tears)

I wallowed. I missed. I wondered. I agonized. I cried more.

Today when I woke up I feel the scar. I see it in my eyes. A beautiful reminder that I have a daughter. That I experienced something more amazing in the few months I was with her than I ever have in a lifetime. "She's opened my eyes to see, that there is more to life than this". I am better and worse because of it. I am stronger and weaker because of it..

After reading www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com I was reminded that Jesus was left with scars too. A beautiful reminder of the suffering he went through for love. 

AMEN.