No Timeline on Grief

There is no timeline on grief.

It swings in & out like a pendulum, sweeping in at the most random moments. 

I had a dream the other night that I couldn't shake. I dreamed the tattoo of a Lily I got as a memorial for my daughter Lily we lost on Easter Sunday in 2008, washed off. I saw it happening before my eyes, & I couldn't stop it from washing away. After it was gone I tried to remember what it looked like to replace it. 

I woke up from the dream and looked at my wrist to see if the Lily was still there, it felt so real. 

The next day Trust randomly talked about Lily.  He often does, because he sees my tattoo & asks lots of questions about why I got it & what happened. I share with him openly about everything & he NEVER forgets her. It's almost heart wrenching how he brings her into everything. Like if I say we have 2 kids he always reminds me we have 3, one is just in heaven. 

Recently, a good friend asked me if we were going to have any more kids & time stood still for a second as I said "no", but in my heart it felt like there was a hole, a gap where a third child should be. I told her about Lily. I cried as I told her this loaded answer to a simple question & she cried with me. 

I will never have another child of my own because I get SO sick to the point of almost dying + my recovery takes years. I'm still dealing with terrible thyroid problems from my last pregnancy. So a third baby is definitely not in our future. It's just that awful nagging feeling of what could have been that feels so hard & sad.

I think the thing that breaks my heart the most is seeing how well Trust & my niece Chloe play. They are best friends! I often compare what Lily would be like to Chloe because Lily would be a little older than her. It's hard because Story my youngest is 21 months & Trust loves her, but they don't really interact much because of the huge age gap. He often says, "I wish Lily was here. I'd have someone to play with." I reply through chocked back tears, "I wish that too buddy."

It does get easier in a way.. time does make you forget the sting of death, but the scar is always there, it doesn't ever quite heal fully. 

I love how Trust reminds me so asurredly that we will see her in heaven. Death feels so final, but the hope of what Jesus has accomplished through His death & resurrection so that death wouldn't have the final word, is incredible. My Grandma Waugh is currently in her final days battling stage 4 cancer & it's been so hard. The thing I keep reminding myself is soon, she will get to see her Husband, her her brother, Mother & Father & hold her great grand babies that are in heaven! That thought brings me to tears & one day we'll all be reunited because of what Jesus did! That is SO COOL. The end is not the end, but really a new beginning!

The song "You're Beautiful" is a lovely reminder of this thought. It goes:

"When we arrive at eternity's shore, where death is just a memory & tears are no more, we'll enter in as the wedding bells ring, your bride will come together & we'll sing, You're beautiful."

So as we live in this tension of the now & the not yet, we can be assured, death doesn't have the final say. That one day all will be made right & we can hold the ones we've lost again! 💓

I wrote this song about grief. Corrie Ten Boom had a quote that said "No matter how deep the pit, Gods love is deeper still." No matter where you are in the grief process know God is with you in it! His love is deeper than any pit or place of grief you find yourself in. 

"Songs for Healing" EP- Stories Behind the Songs

I'm so happy to announce the "Songs for Healing" EP is up on iTunes, CD Baby & More.

Listen & buy it here:
http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/heatherevans4

I'm happy not just because I think it is one of the most beautiful projects I've gotten to do sonically (BIG thanks to Chris Gatton for recording and doing the instrumentation!), but also what each song means to me personally and to the many others who listen to it and relate to it.

This EP is intended for people who have lost a child, but I'm realizing it's reaching beyond that.. That if you've experienced the depths of depression, the unsureness of your identity after losing something or the feeling of hope just out of reach, you will definitely relate to this EP as well. :)

The reason behind this EP is simple. My husband and I lost our 1st baby, Lily on Easter Sunday, 5 years ago at 12-13 weeks. A gap was left in our heart, hope of having a child was just out of our reach and I turned to music to help ease my pain. As I looked I couldn't find much that fit my "style" or said what I wanted to say. It was frustrating. So I started to write my feelings out, guitar in hand, and what I came up with was over 10 songs that were my gateway to healing. I wasn't sure if they would go anywhere, until my counselor requested my songs for a woman who lost 4 children. Seeing her reaction to the songs made me realize I couldn't just keep them for myself, other people needed these songs for healing. :)

So here we go. The reasons behind the songs.

1.) The Wall
I wrote "The Wall" in 15 minutes or less in the attic of an old Monastery turned into a retreat center in Cincinnati, Ohio. I was pouring out my heart full of insecurities to God in the form of a song telling Him "I can't do this". Struggling with the crippling depression and unsureness of who I am now, hardened and scarred with losses.. Putting up walls against people and God because of those hurts. As I was writing the song dwelling on the hurt, I got to the 3rd verse that says "There's a love that's opening my eyes, there's a peace that's casting out my fears, there's a joy I cannot hide, when you tell me I can do this, you tell me I can do this!" Then the 2nd chorus says "Cuz you come tell me have faith in what you can't see, when I'm too focused on, the things that try to break me, and you come sweetly and I'm so humbled, oh God you love me, you bring life back to these eyes.." It was like a turning point. Like God was speaking to me personally and shifting the focus in my life back to Him instead of the pain.

2.) Heaven Come Soon
I wrote "Heaven Come Soon" in my favorite writing spot, my attic. I was thinking about a vision I had while in counseling of seeing Lily, my daughter. It was an emotional moment where I saw the most clear picture of her holding the hand of Jesus, when she turned back and waved at me. Her hair was long and blonde and her eyes were bright blue like my sons. (I am crying now just thinking about it!!) The song is all about longing to see her sweet face again, but knowing that I'm caught in the tension of the "now" and the "not yet". The "now" is the waiting, the pain, where death still happens.. The "not yet" is the hope of Jesus making all things new with no more death, tears, pain. Where I'll see Lily and Jesus face to face and things will be made right. It's a hard place to be when you've lost someone, but hopeful because you know this isn't the end. I hesitated putting it on this EP, but decided even though it hurt, it would hopefully help someone who needed it.

3.) Let it Go (The Balloon Song)
I wrote "Let it Go (The Balloon Song)" in my attic also. Actually, a friend of mine was making a video for an organization and asked if I had any instrumental songs she could use. I didn't have any, but I thought I'd give a shot at writing one. :) She wanted it to be hopeful, so I placed my fingers on the strings and started with a very hopeful verse into sort of a pensive chorus, then later went back and recorded some lead parts over the main chords and sent it off. As I started recording this project with Chris Gatton, I told him about the instrumental song and he recorded all the parts on guitar & added some piano. When I heard what he did, I felt really inspired! He told me the song reminded him of a balloon floating away and as the song played through on the speakers, I told him I heard the words "Let it go" then he chimed in with "Time to let it go" and we repeated that back and forth. I'm so glad it morphed into what it is! It is my 1st instrumental song and I'm so glad it's on this EP. It is a good break for the listener to just process and cry or shout or add their own words. :)

4.) Deeper Still
I wrote "Deeper Still" on Easter Sunday (the day we lost our babe) 2 years ago.  I had heard a quote earlier that day by Corrie Ten Boom that says "No matter how deep the pit, God is deeper still." It stuck with me all day. I was at my parents house and my son Trust was taking a nap, so I slipped away to the spare bedroom with my guitar and started to sing. Thinking of God, who He is, as big enough to handle my pain and grief. That no matter how big the pit of grief I had dug myself into, He was big enough to pull me up out of it. To turn my pain around and give me a purpose in that pain. Sure enough, I am seeing that come around.

5.) Hope in a Bottle
I wrote "Hope in a Bottle" in my Kitchen. It gets SUPER hot in my attic in the Summer so my writing/playing space turns into the kitchen during that time of the year. I couldn't come up with the 2nd verse so I had Chris Gatton help me with it, which turned out great because of that. I was thinking about after we lost our baby Lily, a lot of things were unsure. The hope we had of having a child disintegrated, unsure if we could carry a child to term. I had to come to a point of standing on the shoreline of my hopes and fears and give them to God. That I had no control of them, but God did. So the whole song is a picture of me putting my hopes in a bottle and throwing them out to the treacherous waves of the ocean that only God controls, watching helplessly as they go farther out of my reach. Luckily for my, hope of a baby did come back around to me, but it definitely wasn't easy.

Memorial for Grieving Families- November 3rd

A while back, I attended a friend's Memorial Service for the sweet daughter they lost due to fatal abnormalities.. To my amazement, my courageous friend approached me when I walked in and led me over to a memorial tree, where parents who have lost babies could tie a piece of yarn on one of the branches to honor the baby they lost. I was so amazed at the lovely gesture that she would step out of her own pain for a second to recognize my pain of losing a child. I was majorly impacted by that moment.

After the moving Service, I spoke with one of the Pastor's about how our church used to do Memorial Services annually for families who have lost babies in miscarriages, abortions, stillbirths and as infants. He said that he wanted to start doing the services again. My eyes lit up and I said "I want to help make that happen!" I explained that I had been working on a CD with songs to help families walk through the grieving process.. a kind of Soundtrack for healing that I wasn't sure what to do with and that I would love to give them away at the Memorial to the parents. He liked the idea and said he'd be in touch.

A few weeks later, we set a plan in motion to make the Memorial happen.

I am helping with some of the creative aspects of the service + the music and will be giving away CD's of the songs I wrote when me and my husband lost our 1st baby. I am SO honored to be able to provide a beautiful setting for other families to grieve, remember, honor and validate the loss of their sweet little ones. To be able to step out of my pain for a second like my friend did for me and stand beside other families who are in pain.

The Memorial Service will be held at Vineyard Sawmill Campus (6561 Dublin Center Drive, Dublin, OH) on Sunday, November 3rd at 3pm. 

The Memorial Service is for Families who have lost children due to miscarriages, abortions, still births, as infants and small children. All are welcome. Mom's, Dad's, Siblings, Grandparents, Friends.. It's going to be a lovely, well thought out service with readings, a short word from one of the pastors, moving music, a time worship & activities for remembrance & grieving.

Please invite anyone you know who has suffered a loss of a child.

The pic above is some inspirations for the decor for the service.

.......
No matter how many years pass after losing my 1st baby, I still feel an ache, a void. Especially with certain dates and when I see little girls that are the age of what my little girl would be. I never had a memorial for the loss of my baby and I ALWAYS think about that. But now, I get to provide one for other families who may not have had memorials for their babies either and I see the Lords Grace and care for me through planning it.. He has not forgotten my desire to have a memorial for our babe. What a thoughtful God I serve! I am always amazed by His kindness and His attention to detail. Even when I have long forgotten, He never forgets!

Breaking the Silence

Did you know 1 in 4 women lose their babies in miscarriages?

When I was pregnant with my 1st baby I was clueless about miscarriage. I told everyone without shame I was pregnant and made plans, had hopes & dreams about what my baby would be like. My plans, hopes & dreams for my precious babe were abruptly haulted when I found out I was miscarrying on Easter Sunday 5 years ago. I was 12 weeks pregnant and my despair swallowed me whole.

I felt so alone....for a while.

Women from church, work, etc came to me with their stories about babies they themselves lost in a miscarriage. I was amazed. Why didn't I know??? Why hadn't someone told me???

 What I sense from many women about miscarriage is the shame of keeping silent, of lessening their grief because they hadn't carried their baby to term, because their loss wasn't as "big" as other people's loss. Most women don't even speak about their pregnancy until they are 12 weeks and "in the clear". I say BREAK THE SILENCE. The more people that know about your baby good or bad the more support you will have in the days ahead. Shout your baby's name from the rooftop if it helps. Your baby has worth no matter how small, he/she has a place in your heart and should be honored for even the short or long time you get to be with him/her.

I know this notion is Taboo in many circles.. It was to me for a while too. I changed my mind when I just couldn't contain my longing and sadness and grief. I wanted someone to know I had a daughter and I was PROUD. I even stood up on Mother's Day at my church right after I miscarried in March to make a statement to myself that I was a Mother. To validate my emotions & say I really was pregnant and really DO have a daughter waiting for me with Jesus when I go to heaven.

Did you know that in October 1988 President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month?

 October 15th specifically is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. On this day women all around the world have memorial ceremonies and light candles for the babies that they have lost. Bringing validation to the life that was lost and a place for parents to grieve because most of the time with losses of babies, memorial services don't happen.

This year on October 15th I want to do a special memorial service at my church and invite anyone who wants to come remember their baby. I have some beautiful illustrations and things the parents can take with them to remember their baby and that their is hope.

Friends, I want you to know it's okay to talk about the baby you lost. Here is the cool thing I want to leave you with.. With Jesus, we don't have to just end at grief, loss & emptiness. With Jesus, the conquerer of death, we will one day meet our babies and all things will be as they should be. Amen.

Songs for healing

I've started work on a new music project called "songs for healing".

I wrote a few songs after I had a miscarriage on Easter Sunday 5 years ago, and more after the crazy life threatening pregnancy & delivery I had with my son Trust. I never thought anyone should ever hear the songs, that maybe they were just for me to process through my emotions.

Well, this isn't the case now.

I meet with a counselor to work through the depression, post traumatic stress and the emotional wreckage these past 5 years have brought.

One session I was talking with my counselor about the songs I've written during the healing process and she simply said "Heather, I need these songs! Do you have a recording of them anywhere?" I'm sure I looked flustered when I answered "Well, I have some rough recordings and could lay down the rest of the songs for you I suppose.." She went on to explain there was a woman she meets with that had still births and that she wanted to give my music to her. The next couple weeks I got all of my rough recordings of the songs together and gave the CD to her to give to the woman.

Weeks went by and I didn't hear anything and I thought nothing of it.

I went to see my counselor one day and she greeted me at the door and said, "heather, there is someone I want you to meet." She continued to say "this is the woman I gave your music to." Me and the woman locked eyes and both started to cry. We hugged and cried together because we knew what the other had suffered through and she thanked me.

This CD is super vulnerable and touches the deepest hurts in my heart and I love it. I think people need to know that it is ok to not be happy all the time. That it is ok to grieve when you've lost someone. It's ok to crumble and not have to put on an act that you are doing fine. It's ok to cry and it's not a weakness but a tool.

We tend to wear masks in front of each other and I think it's time to start taking them off and being real. No matter what you are going through, we should be able to bear with each other and not judge how far on the journey to recovery each person is at. Instead, embrace the place on the journey you are in and walk it out and grow through it. There is no sense in jumping ahead if you aren't ready yet.. Walk at a pace that is good for you, and walk it with Jesus.

Old Post Revisited- Due Date

I came across a post I wrote on November 20th of 2008. I wrote it on the date that was to be my daughter Lily's "Due Date" and thought it might help some of you who are wrestling through some similar emotions of losing a baby as well.

I still think of our 1st unborn babe and when I do tears swell up in my eyes. She would be 4 years old this year. Tears of hope and of longing. My thinking has shifted away from grief to hope these days though. No more do I think of not seeing my unborn babe in this life but that I WILL see her in heaven someday.

Know that it is okay to feel. To grieve. No longer how long it's been, the sting of death is still hard...
-----------------------------------

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2008

"Wallow"-a Gilmore reference

So the episode of Gilmore Girls where Loreli tries to get Rory to "wallow" in the pain of her recent break-up with Dean came to my mind just now. She tells Rory to get a bucket of icecream, lay in bed all day, cry it out.. Yesterday I had a grand time wallowing! :) Although I wasn't breaking up with a beloved boyfriend, the emotion is the same. Hurt, Grief, and the thought that nothing will be the same.

Rory and I are similar in the fact that we didn't want to wallow right away.. We refused to in fact. It was just too hard to deal with it, so no wallowing.. Life has to go on. the thought of I just want to be normal or If I stop here I will drown in grief for heaven sakes!

 Rory says, "MOM LEAVE ME ALONE!" Heather says, "GOD LEAVE ME ALONE!" 

Then I realize today is my due date. "Today is the day I would have met my baby. Today is the day most moms take their baby home from the hospital."-- I don't get any farther before the excessive tears come.. 

The wallowing Begins

I cried all night.

I cried when I woke up the next morning.

I went back to sleep.

Slept for hours more.

Ate whatever I wanted to eat. (popsicles instead of icecream for me!)

I read Hans Christian Anderson.

I read www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com (Cried MORE tears)

I wallowed. I missed. I wondered. I agonized. I cried more.

Today when I woke up I feel the scar. I see it in my eyes. A beautiful reminder that I have a daughter. That I experienced something more amazing in the few months I was with her than I ever have in a lifetime. "She's opened my eyes to see, that there is more to life than this". I am better and worse because of it. I am stronger and weaker because of it..

After reading www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com I was reminded that Jesus was left with scars too. A beautiful reminder of the suffering he went through for love. 

AMEN.

You are Not Alone

As I recover physically & Emotionally from a beyond traumatic miscarriage, pregnancy, delivery & recovery, I often feel like I am alone. I feel like I am the only one who has had hyperemesis, home care nurses, Medicine IV's, bed rest, preeclampsia, level 3 tearing, 2 blood transfusions, congestive heart failure, pulmonary failure, 1 1/2 year recovery, etc. that I can't talk with and relate with anyone and they won't understand my struggles.. It's easy to fall into the trap of feeling completely and utterly alone.

The truth is though, the more I share my story, the more I find women who have been through similar situations and sometimes worse and I realize I'm NOT alone!

I recently attended a wedding and I shared my story about Trust with the table after someone asked about his unique name. The woman (a friend) next to me began to open up about her traumatic, life threatening pregnancy/delivery and I realized we had a lot of similarities. She started to cry as she shared, the terror of the memories filling her countenance. She is someone I know and love but I had no idea what she went through!

Time and time again as I share my story about Trust I am amazed to see this openness happen. I realize that I am not alone in my struggles and that there are a lot of other women going through the same things.

If you are feeling similar to the way I feel at times, it's ok!! Healing is a process and we NEED to reach out to each other, to God and share our stories to help lift each other out of the trap of loneliness.

The WORSE thing you can do is sweep the hard things you've been through under a rug. When you suppress the trauma, sadness, grief, fear, anxiety, it will fester and you may become a ticking time bomb for an emotional break down.

Something that has helped me is professional Counseling through my Church. She helps me talk through and confront all of my fears and reminds me of the help that is offered through Jesus.

If you can't afford counseling, try to get into a support group, journal your thoughts, talk to a mentor or trusted friend and ask them to check in on you from time to time.

I was recently at the Beach for a week and it was wonderful! As I walked the beach in search of shells I was reminded of the cheesy, over used story about the Footprints in the Sand. It made me cry as I read it again and I put it below.

Footprints in the Sand- by Carolyn Joyce Carty
"One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way.But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:
"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."


Just remember as you heal, You are Not Alone.

Songs for Healing- Deeper Still

Through the whole process of Losing my 1st baby in a miscarriage, through the sadness of trying to conceive again for a year after, through a complicated pregnancy and an even more complicated delivery, I coped with the pain, grief and trauma through one thing....

Music.

I am a singer songwriter, so music comes like breathing to me. As my brain swirls and swishes with thoughts & pains, they slow down and filter my emotions when I turn them into song. I sing out my hearts aches, guitar in hand, paper blank with possibilities in front of me. I sing my soul out to God and I feel comforted yet vulnerable before Him. The strangest things are unearthed in these intimate moments. I'll share one moment with you...

It was Easter Sunday, a day marked with lots of emotion, grief and memories of losing our 1st baby, (we her named Lily after the Easter Lily) in a miscarriage. It's always a bitter sweet day. A day that is marked with the Hope of Jesus rising from the dead and declaring victory over death and sin, is also a day we get hit in the gut with memories of losing our baby to death. So being a songwriter I filter my emotions through the melodies of song.

I read a quote by Corrie Ten Boom earlier that day that stuck with me as I went to write this song: "No matter how deep the pit, God is deeper still" This thought echoed in the chambers of my heart and made me realize no matter how deep in pain and grief I am, God can reach in and pull me out. I'm never too far out of His reach and He is never in over His head. He can handle all of the hurt and pain I am in.

So here is the song. It's called Deeper Still.

Verse 1:
This grief it swallows me like
The deepest of the darkest nights
This pit that I have fallen in
Has overcome me

I reach for you to take my hand
Wondering if you can
Pull me from the depths of
This pit that I fell in

Chorus:
But you are deeper still
Yes you are deeper still
My God you're deeper still
You are deeper still

Verse 2:
This Grief that buried me alive
You've raised me with your Love and I
Know that I have purpose when
I fix my eyes on You

Bridge:
As I reach for you
I can see
That God you've never left me
In my pain

Chorus 2:
Cuz You are deeper than anything I've done
Your Mercy's deeper still
You are deeper than any pit I've dug
Your Love goes deeper still

A few days until Easter

It is only a few days until Easter, and I always brace myself for a breakdown. Easter was the day we went to the ER and found out we were losing our baby that we hoped and prayed for, Lily. No matter how many years pass (this year will be 3 years) the sting is still the same.

The fact that we lost Lily on Easter leaves such a bitter-sweet taste in my mouth. There is the hope of the redeeming power of Jesus rising from the dead, conquering sin and bridging the gap between us and God... Then there is the sadness and tragedy of losing my baby girl. I think God really used that day for good for me. Because it was on a holiday, I am forced to remember, to deal, to cry out, to hurt and grieve. I can't push it under a rug like I probably would have done. PLUS, I get a message of hope and redemption spoken to me on the same day.

Easter Lily's white, somber, and beautiful will fill the church and the sweet smell remind me that one beautiful day I will see Lily again. We will meet in eternity and will never be separated again! We will be with our saviour, Jesus, happy, whole and without sorrow of being apart.

"It is Well with my soul"

HOME.

I had a dream a week ago with a meaning that absolutely floored me that I wanted to share with you! Amazing stuff..

here is the dream:

I was sitting in what seemed to be an abandoned greenhouse. The greenhouse was uncared for and the windows that usually cover the whole structure of a greenhouse were busted out and it was like I was sitting in a caged room. Outside was gloomily overcast and I was looking at myself with an orange flowerpot in hand, shoveling soil over a lily bulb. I was very sad-looking and another friend was there with me burying a flower of her own. We were talking about the babies we had lost to miscarriage and crying over our flowerpots.

Later in the dream my husband Brett came to me with a picture in hand. He realized I was feeling very sad and down and wanted to cheer me up so he showed me the picture and it was of a family we know with 4 teens. With their hands the teens spelled out HOME. When I saw the picture, joy and peace filled my heart that I couldn't explain.

----

When I first woke up from the dream, I asked God "What does THAT mean?" and asked Him for clarity on what it meant. Sure enough, God answered my prayer in many ways that week!

I realized the day I had the dream was the day I found out I was pregnant with our daughter Lily, the baby we lost in a miscarriage 3 years ago. I mean WOAH. I was not even thinking about that at all and there I was in the dream PLANTING A LILY and talking with my friend about losing her. God is so sweet isn't He? HE definitely hasn't forgotten about the pain I have over losing Lily and that is just PRECIOUS to me that He would remind me of her through a dream!

The second part of the dream kind of escaped my understanding for a few days (I mean the first half's meaning was powerful enough!) but the meaning finally came full circle after listening to a sermon by Rich Nathan (the senior pastor at Vineyard Columbus). Rich was talking about how as Christians, we are foreigners or strangers in a strange land here on earth. We are not yet at our "home" because we are citizens of the Kingdom of God and are meant for heaven. That even if we live in the same house we've lived in since we were a child, we are not truly at HOME. Finally, the meaning clicked for me! Lily is HOME. She is safe, she is happy, she is in heaven with Jesus, she is at her true HOME, and it is much better than any home I could have given her here. That one day I will die and go HOME to meet Jesus and she will be there with Him ready to welcome me. This gives me GREAT HOPE.

There was also a song I heard by Bethany Dillon that says "I've always known this wasn't home, I've always known this wasn't home" that just hit the whole theme of HOME right out of the ballpark for me. It seems like everywhere I turn God is somehow revealing to me more about what Home really means.

One last thing. This whole "Lenten" Season (Season of Lent: Where you give up something to get closer to Jesus From ASH Wednesday to Easter, equaling 40 days total: I gave up TV) stuff has always been rough for me and Jesus knows that. The reason why is because we lost our baby on Easter Sunday, and it is a VERY hard time for me. It's like the 40 days are like 40 days in the wilderness of grief leading up to the day my baby was gone. It's crazy because it is almost exactly 40 days from the time I found out I was pregnant to the day I lost Lily. So in this time is a lot of reflection, remembering, and lots of praying to God to keep healing my wounds. I feel like every day I have kept the TV off and pressed into Jesus, He has shown me just another piece of the puzzle. I'm telling you, it is ONLY by the grace of God that I am doing so well with all of this! I have never been so excited about my relationship with Jesus because I am finally understanding how to really connect with Him. All because I turned the TV off and made time to listen!

Gabrielle's Story

Gabrielle’s Story
Angie Diamond
We found out we were pregnant May 2007 with our 1st child. We were thrilled! We were not planning on having a child at this time, however God had a plan for us and we knew it was bigger than us. Kevin and I had been married for 4 years and our only concern was that I was not done with college yet. 

We were heading into our 12 week appointment and I really wanted to see our baby. We go to the doctor’s room and wait patiently. The nurse ended up telling us that our Doctor does not do ultrasounds this early. I was so upset because I really wanted to see our baby. The nurse came in and used a Doppler on us and sadly could not locate the heartbeat. She called in the doctor. It was not our normal doctor. She said we need to do an ultrasound on you. I did not know what was going on. Then the doctor said the following “Your baby does not look 12 weeks along.” We were like ok, maybe we were not that far along. “Then she said there is not heartbeat.“ We were thinking once again okay maybe the baby has not developmed and I was not as far as we thought I was. So we asked, what does that mean. The doctor said “Your baby is dead, you have miscarried.” I will never forget those harsh words. 

I had no cramping, no bleeding, no signs that I was miscarrying. I just didn’t understand why us, why no signs, what did I do wrong. I was devastated. I cried and cried and Kevin just held me and stayed strong for me. I could not go back to work. Kevin had to call all of our family and friends. I could not talk to anyone. I just felt like a failure. I felt so sad and all these what if’s ran through my head. I took three days off work and in that time I decided to get a D&C… I could not handle the thought of waiting for my baby to pass and actually seeing him. 

Kevin and I were going to the Vineyard at the time and we went to church that Sunday. I will never forget the first people we saw were the Kerry Davis and His wife. I wept to them and they prayed for us. During worship the song was “Blessed be the name of the Lord” – At the line

“You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name”

I just raised my hand worshiping and weeping and thinking through all the things that He has blessed me with and through all of this the Lord is good and has a plan for me. It is amazing how many women have the same story and shared it with me, some worse than mine… Some have lost multiple babies, some have lost babies farther along in their pregnancy, some still have not had any children, some are struggling with fertility issues and can’t get pregnant at all. 

My story gets way better. In July 2009 we found out we were pregnant again. I was super scared; I did not think I could go through another miscarriage. I waited until 12 weeks to have my 1st appt and I set myself up so I could be let down and would not let myself get too excited, we decided not to tell anyone. I knew God was in control; however I was not sure what His plan was for my life, which scared me. When we went to the appointment there was a heartbeat!!! I was so excited. We ended up renting a Doppler so I could hear my baby’s heartbeat as much as I wanted (this really put me at ease). March 2010, I gave birth to my beautiful, amazing son Preston Kevin Diamond. He is such a gift and there is never a day where I take him for granted, Kevin and I are truly blessed with an awesome baby. It is amazing being a mom and I know that through my tough times I have been able to witness to many women who have lost a baby and stand alongside them with hope and prayer. 

We named our baby that we lost, Gabrielle because he was an angel to us, we look forward in meeting him someday heaven.

Lily's Song & Processing TIps

I wrote this song (I'm a Singer/Songwriter and write a lot of songs about things I am going through to help me process things) called Lily's Song as a way to say good bye to my daughter. I wrote it (amazingly) 2 days after I found out I was miscarrying on the keyboard, through the tears and physical pain of a miscarriage.  I hope it helps..

LILY'S SONG

I wanted to write you a song

But how can I get along?

Without you here

Without you here with me

I'm staring into the sun

It's been 2 days since you've been gone

I wish you were here

I wish you were here with me

But how can I say goodbye?

How can I say goodbye?

Goodbye My love 

I'll sing you this song

Since you're not here

To sing along

God made you so beautiful

You've opened my eyes to see

That there's more to life than this

I wanted to sing you this song

But how can you sing along?

'Cuz you're not here

Oh you're not here with me

I'm staring into the sun

It's been 2 days since you've been gone

I wish you were here

I wish you were here with me

---------

We all process through things in different ways. Mine is to write/sing what I am feeling or journal my thoughts. Sometimes I never show people the heartfelt songs I've written just because they are for me at the time when I needed it. 

What is your way of processing through pain? I encourage you to find out your method and do it! It really helps.

Here's some examples of things you could do to process (these are just things I came up with that helped me, not saying they are good for everyone!):

1. Journal (Write out what you are feeling with complete honesty, then pray and ask God to help you with the things you wrote.)

2. Paint (It can be abstract, nothing fancy, just something to help YOU. )

3. Go talk to a counselor or close trusted friend

4. Listen to a song that really speaks to your heart and allow yourself to cry

5.  Scream into a pillow your frustrations (I did that a couple times)

6. Cook something (that's what my sister does when she is stressed)

7. Clean something or Organize something (while you are cleaning think about what is bugging you and as things get more organized in your head, so does your house! yeah!)

8. Take a LONG, Undisturbed bath. (Decompress, Think, and Relax)

9. Go on a Run. (For the athletic types this is just what the doctor ordered! Make sure you are physically ready before hitting the pavement of course.)

10. Get lost in a Fun book or go out for a movie or date! (Doing something fun is good for the depressed soul, staying inside only makes the pain close in on you)

11. Plant a tree, Get a gravestone, Dedicate a bench at a park, or plant a Lily for your Babe. (We planted a lily for my daughter Lily and it comes back every year. It is good to have a place you can go to think and reflect)

12. PRAY. PRAY. PRAY. (While you are doing any of these activities, always be in conversation with God. Tell Him HONESTLY how you feel. Ask Him to help you through the heartache.)

Do you have any good processing tips? If so, send them to storyoftrust@gmail.com !

Much Love to you,

Heather

Heather's Story: Losing Lily

My husband Brett and I found out we were pregnant in early 2008. We were as happy as could be being pregnant with our first child, dreaming and making plans for the future. I changed all of my bad eating habits, stopped drinking coffee, and pretty much did everything I could to ensure a healthy pregnancy.

We had our first ultrasound and everything looked great so we started telling friends and got a few baby things like a really cool crib set that was gender neutral. My mom even got us some cute little baby outfits and bibs. Everything felt certain…Life was wonderful and new.

One Thursday night I had a terrible dream. I dreamed I was in a dingy bathroom and Brett came in and I told him I was miscarrying, and to call the doctor right away. He called the doctor, but she was out of town. A huge angry rat came out of nowhere and started attacking us. I woke up from the dream and prayed and told Brett about it.

It was Friday, and that day at work I noticed some spotting (bleeding), remembering my dream from the night before, I called the doctor right away. She got me in for an ultrasound that day. She said that she wasn’t seeing any progression from the last ultrasound and didn’t see a heartbeat, but that it didn’t mean I was miscarrying either. She also told us she was GOING OUT OF TOWN and that we wouldn’t be able to get a hold of her, but if I felt any pain or increased bleeding to go straight to the hospital. I felt like the dream from the night before was a warning or preparation for us to know what to do and what to expect, but also that we were entering an ugly battle.

In the next day the pain started, and the bleeding worsened. I woke Brett up at 2 am Easter Sunday morning in extreme pain and he sat with me massaging my legs and praying for me. I was crying the pain was so bad, so we called the on call doctor and she told us to go to the ER.

We spent Easter Sunday in the ER. They gave me pain meds, which helped a lot and the doctor did a pelvic exam to see if I was miscarrying. Sure enough my cervix was open and they were very certain I was in fact miscarrying. I cried. I was devastated. What did I do wrong? How could I have tried harder to ensure my baby’s safety? Was there nothing they could do other than send me home with pain meds and let the baby pass? It seemed so insensitive, so wrong, so unfair.

We went to my parent’s house that night and decided to stay there for a couple days since I needed lots of help. I cried in my parent’s arms and they cried too.

We decided to name our baby Lily for the Easter lily. (My parents gave us a white lily that night. It was such a sweet gift in such a crazy time.) We both thought our baby was a girl from dreams we had about her, so we stuck with it to give our hearts some closure. It was hard to be losing our baby on Easter Sunday. A day that is supposed to be filled with much hope and promise was filled with sadness and emptiness for us. We knew every Easter from that moment on wouldn’t be the same, yet God STILL showed us His love and hope in those moments. Knowing that we don’t belong in this broken place, but we were meant for more. That Jesus rose to life as Lily would also be raised. She is in heaven with Jesus now, in his presence, in his arms. “Just a moment there is better than here.” As JJ Heller writes in the song Olivianna.

I bled and was in gut wrenching pain for 2 weeks. I was weak and I was emotionally traumatized. I was living the death of my child everyday. I continued to bleed, knowing there was nothing I could do to stop it. I felt so out of control.

I remember lying helplessly on the couch praying and feeling the closeness of Jesus. That as I wept, I knew He was right there with me weeping too.

People from our church, friends and family brought us food, cards, flowers, left us messages on facebook, emailed us and prayed with us. I cried each time I received something, feeling so blessed in such a dark time. They were a great extension of God’s love for us. I was so grateful for them.

Somewhere in that time we received the crib set we ordered months before, and Brett told me, “I’m so sorry honey. I will put this away until we need it.” He was so sweet and put it away in a closet so I wouldn’t find it.

Finally, the doctor told me since the bleeding wasn’t stopping, she would need to do a procedure to “scrape” out the rest, a D&E.

I went into surgery in good spirits. I prayed a lot with Brett and my family before and had peace about everything. After the surgery, the doctor told my parents and Brett that the sac and lifeless baby was still stuck in my uterus, and it was a good thing they did the procedure when they did because of possible infection.

I cried again when I heard this, because I KNEW my baby was really gone. I felt empty and sad, like a piece of me was missing.

A couple weeks before Mother’s Day, my family and I planted a lily in honor of Lily. It was emotional to say the least. As my dad dug the hole I was thinking, it is sad I didn’t get to burry my child somewhere, but it was okay because I know she didn’t need a place to be buried, because she was in heaven with Jesus. Just in time for Mother’s Day the lily bloomed! Another LOVELY display of God’s love for us! Even in the little things like a lily blooming. He knew what it meant to me and it was a beautiful moment.

It was probably 8 months before I felt somewhat normal again. I was overwhelmed with grief, depression, and feelings of guilt and shame. People were still asking me everyday “how’s the pregnancy going?” or “how’s your baby?” not realizing I had miscarried and I had to tell them all over again about the miscarriage. In a way it was a good healing process to be able to talk about it, yet still, it brought up all of the horrific memories.

I had some great encounters with the Lord in that time. Sometimes when we are at our lowest He speaks the loudest.

I remember one occasion I was at my church sitting alone and I felt this overwhelming feeling of loneliness during worship. I made a conscience effort to worship God anyway and pushed my feelings aside. I closed my eyes to focus my mind on Him. When I opened my eyes I had this overwhelming feeling that I was singled out by God. That even though I was in a room worshiping with 3,000 people He SAW me. It was so personal and profound. I cried and peace washed over my heart and I told Him everything I was feeling about losing Lily and that I missed her. I later got prayer and I felt like a stitch was placed on my bleeding heart. That healing had begun.

In those months women who had also lost a child, came out of the woodwork and talked to me. I had no idea how many women had been through what I had. I thought I was alone, but to my surprise, many women have been through it, yet are just unable or scared to talk about it. I had many great talks with those women and we cried together, shared together and shared the hope of meeting our children in heaven. What a great hope!

God continued to pursue me and urged me to keep talking about Lily and to continue to heal. He wanted to pull out everything I had put under the rug and deal with it even though I wanted to hide all that I was dealing with. He is good like that. He doesn’t want us to stay hurt or broken. He wants us to heal so we can help others.

In the months following I was able to talk at different women’s events about my miscarriage, and how God got me through it. I cried each time, the wound still fresh, but God continued to use Lily’s story to bring people to Him.

God gave me a sweet analogy in that time through a blog of a mom, Angie, who lost her baby at birth (audreycaroline.blogspot.com) that Jesus has scars in his hands and feet as a reminder of LOVE of what He did for us, and I also carry scars of the Love of my daughter. They will never go away, but it is okay. We all have scars, but it’s what we do with them that matters.

Women came to me, wrote me letters, and shared about the children they had lost and that they had never had the courage to talk about them until I told my story. I am constantly reminded that God really does work EVERYTHING together for good, and uses every person’s story to bring Him glory!

Renee's Story

Here is a testimony from Renee in response to this blog! Please keep your stories coming.. I cannot even tell you how much your stories have inspired me.. I only hope they can inspires who are going through similar things!

"Heather, This is an amazing idea that has needed to be done for so long. I haven't shared my story in so long. I really haven't known too many who have been through what I have and would love to know others, so I don't feel alone. In 1995, I got pregnant. January 1996 I went for an ultra sound completely excited to find out the sex of the baby. My doctor had a grave look and sent us to the hospital for a level two ultra sound. The doctors said it was a girl, but she would not live. They said her brain and skull had not developed. They told me an abortion would be the best solution for me and the baby. I could not see what they saw on the screen and being a cocky teen I said no way, I’m going to let her live as long as God will allow it. For the next several months I went to the ob. At each ultra sound, I ask, is she still alive, the answer was yes, each time. My due date was May 25th. I made it till then and she was still alive. They let me stay pregnant longer. On June 24th I was admitted to the hospital because they said I couldn’t stay pregnant any longer. They started pitocin. June 25th she was born. No doctor was there just a nurse, they were not ready. She was born with what is called Anencephaly. She was missing the back of her brain and skull. I had them take her and dress her in an adorable little outfit and place a bonnet on her head. When they laid her in my arms she was so beautiful. She lived for 13hrs. June 26th, 1996 Taylor Nicole Zartman-Stephens when to be with Jesus. It was so sad yet Jesus brought an amazing peace over our family. I still have the pain, even after all these years. I am so thankful for the 13 hrs I had with her. Since Taylor was born, every other child I have been pregnant with has died. I am thankful to have 4 living children out of 10 pregnancies. I really don’t know how people go through hardships without having Christ to lean on." -Renee