My trip the ER with Hyperemesis

Yesterday, I was fighting really hard against severe nausea & vomiting, but I decided to finally surrender and call my doctor (again). I was almost in tears at the defeat, beacause I knew what they would tell me on the other end of the phone. I explained I only sipped 8oz of fluids that day and threw up most of what I drank so the nurse told me "Go strait to the ER and we will send an order for fluids and medicine. Follow up with us tomorrow and we might have to start you on the Zofran pump." 

I sat up to call my husband Brett and started throwing up whatever remnants of fluid were left in my system. 

We made plans for my sister and mom to hang out with our sweet 4 year old, and headed to the hospital. I held back tears in the car as we listened to the song "Come as You Are" By David Crowder. The lyrics hit home:

"Come out of sadness from wherever you’ve been, Come broken hearted let rescue begin, Come find your mercy, Oh sinner come kneel

Earth has no sorrow that Heaven can’t heal, Earth has no sorrow that Heaven can’t heal

So lay down your burdens, lay down your shame
All who are broken, lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home, You’re not too far
So lay down your hurt, lay down your heart

Come as you are"

We got to the hospital and there was NO WAIT in the waiting room! Which is absolutely unheard of in my experience. One of my fears is throwing up in front of people so the idea of sitting in a waiting room with my big bright red chip bowl, made my anxieties rise, but I never had to experience any of that since we got right in! 

All my nurses and doctors were super nice and listened to me. With my past pregnancy with Hyperemesis Gravadium, I was a lot more timid and unsure of what I was feeling, but this time around I knew what to say and what meds I do well with. 

They gave me 3 bags of liquids through an IV and anti nausea meds that helped a bit, but not fully with the nausea. The doctor gave me the choice to go home and follow up with my doctor in the morning or stay and be admitted. After 5 hoursin the ER, I was ready to go home and try my luck. At my discharge they gave me an official diagnosis of Hyperemesis Gravadium. 

I went straight to bed, stomach in knots, but I knew sleep was the only place I wouldn't experience the nausea, so I tried to relax and get some rest. 

As I'm fighting this good fight of bringing a life into this world, I know that I am going to get some "battle scars" along the way. I wrote a song titled "Battle Scars" that talks about how we all get wounded, but that our battle scars will heal as we press into God. As they heal I'm hoping to help others going through something similar. I also think it's cool that Jesus keeps his scars from the cross. To remind US of what He did for us. There is power in scars. They remind us of what we've been through and not to forget!

Watch/Listen to "Battle Scars" here:

http://youtu.be/zvwAtKFj3pw

Cashier at Target's Story

Me and my son Trust were getting a few things at Target today. We got up to the check out area and I saw an older woman Cashier and something in my head said "Get in her line". I questioned the thought for a second because there were several other lines that were much shorter.. Reason told me, "pick the shorter line" but my gut (probably The Lord) told me to "go in the longer line where the woman was". So I chose the longer line :)

I love making small talk with people at the cash register and I commented how much I love the Dollar section because I found a lot of cute things to give to a family who just lost their baby in still birth. She commented how sweet it was to get the family presents and that it probably meant a lot to them in such a hard time. I told her how awesome of a family they were and that it stinks when bad things happen like that but that I understand how much you need hope in times like that. I went on to share that we named our son Trust because my pregnancy was really bad (and we almost lost him & me) but all we could do was trust God with his life and that God was with us and would bring us through. 

Her eyes filled with tears and she told me how cool that was. She then opened up to me and told me when she was younger, she was pregnant with twins and got in a car accident and lost one of the twins at 25 weeks. I just said "That must have been SO hard, I can't imagine..." She explained that her other baby had a heart defect and had open heart surgery at age 3 and that it was the toughest time of her life. I listened and we both watered up. Her pain was so evident, like it happened just yesterday. My heart broke.

After our talk (and she had rung up all of my items) she came around the counter and hugged me. We stood there hugging and crying together (the people behind us must have thought we were NUTS!).

Before I left I told her "But here is our hope, one day we will see our babies again! God Bless you and thank you for sharing your story with me!" She thanked me and me and my son Trust went on our way.

What a sacred moment in Target with that woman. Her sharing her story with me was so vulnerable and so sweet, I am so thankful for that moment and that I was able to validate her loss. (She kept saying "I was only 25 weeks so it isn't as bad as what most people have to go through.." I told her it is hard no matter how far along you are..)

I explained to Trust in the car what happened with the lady. I told him that she lost her baby in a car crash and that she was sad and we needed to pray for her. He immediately started praying a sweet and honest prayer. "Thank you Jesus for Lady.. Lost baby in crash, not feeling good, please help her." I added more to his prayer and Trust sat quiet for a moment in the back seat. He said "Aww lady sad.." I explained yes it is very sad and that we needed to keep praying for her whenever we thought about her. The rest of the day at random moments I heard "Thank you Jesus for Lady, lost baby in crash, She's feeling sad, help her Jesus."

I love having REAL moments like that with people and being able to talk about everything with my son Trust! I am learning and it is so cool to have Trust learn right along side of me too!

I shared the story with my husband Brett and told him that I love seeing the redemptive work of Jesus happen in our lives. Through all the trials and hard things that have happened, God is able to turn it all around and use it for good.

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:20 <-- This is what I believe for my own life! Satan may have tried to harm me, but God IS using it for good. My suffering wasn't for no reason!! 

****Quick update on the Songs for Healing music project I'm working on! I am recording vocals on 2 songs this Friday. I am hoping to get some video up soon explaining the songs so look out for those coming soon :) 

Breaking the Silence

Did you know 1 in 4 women lose their babies in miscarriages?

When I was pregnant with my 1st baby I was clueless about miscarriage. I told everyone without shame I was pregnant and made plans, had hopes & dreams about what my baby would be like. My plans, hopes & dreams for my precious babe were abruptly haulted when I found out I was miscarrying on Easter Sunday 5 years ago. I was 12 weeks pregnant and my despair swallowed me whole.

I felt so alone....for a while.

Women from church, work, etc came to me with their stories about babies they themselves lost in a miscarriage. I was amazed. Why didn't I know??? Why hadn't someone told me???

 What I sense from many women about miscarriage is the shame of keeping silent, of lessening their grief because they hadn't carried their baby to term, because their loss wasn't as "big" as other people's loss. Most women don't even speak about their pregnancy until they are 12 weeks and "in the clear". I say BREAK THE SILENCE. The more people that know about your baby good or bad the more support you will have in the days ahead. Shout your baby's name from the rooftop if it helps. Your baby has worth no matter how small, he/she has a place in your heart and should be honored for even the short or long time you get to be with him/her.

I know this notion is Taboo in many circles.. It was to me for a while too. I changed my mind when I just couldn't contain my longing and sadness and grief. I wanted someone to know I had a daughter and I was PROUD. I even stood up on Mother's Day at my church right after I miscarried in March to make a statement to myself that I was a Mother. To validate my emotions & say I really was pregnant and really DO have a daughter waiting for me with Jesus when I go to heaven.

Did you know that in October 1988 President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month?

 October 15th specifically is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. On this day women all around the world have memorial ceremonies and light candles for the babies that they have lost. Bringing validation to the life that was lost and a place for parents to grieve because most of the time with losses of babies, memorial services don't happen.

This year on October 15th I want to do a special memorial service at my church and invite anyone who wants to come remember their baby. I have some beautiful illustrations and things the parents can take with them to remember their baby and that their is hope.

Friends, I want you to know it's okay to talk about the baby you lost. Here is the cool thing I want to leave you with.. With Jesus, we don't have to just end at grief, loss & emptiness. With Jesus, the conquerer of death, we will one day meet our babies and all things will be as they should be. Amen.

Songs for Healing- Deeper Still

Through the whole process of Losing my 1st baby in a miscarriage, through the sadness of trying to conceive again for a year after, through a complicated pregnancy and an even more complicated delivery, I coped with the pain, grief and trauma through one thing....

Music.

I am a singer songwriter, so music comes like breathing to me. As my brain swirls and swishes with thoughts & pains, they slow down and filter my emotions when I turn them into song. I sing out my hearts aches, guitar in hand, paper blank with possibilities in front of me. I sing my soul out to God and I feel comforted yet vulnerable before Him. The strangest things are unearthed in these intimate moments. I'll share one moment with you...

It was Easter Sunday, a day marked with lots of emotion, grief and memories of losing our 1st baby, (we her named Lily after the Easter Lily) in a miscarriage. It's always a bitter sweet day. A day that is marked with the Hope of Jesus rising from the dead and declaring victory over death and sin, is also a day we get hit in the gut with memories of losing our baby to death. So being a songwriter I filter my emotions through the melodies of song.

I read a quote by Corrie Ten Boom earlier that day that stuck with me as I went to write this song: "No matter how deep the pit, God is deeper still" This thought echoed in the chambers of my heart and made me realize no matter how deep in pain and grief I am, God can reach in and pull me out. I'm never too far out of His reach and He is never in over His head. He can handle all of the hurt and pain I am in.

So here is the song. It's called Deeper Still.

Verse 1:
This grief it swallows me like
The deepest of the darkest nights
This pit that I have fallen in
Has overcome me

I reach for you to take my hand
Wondering if you can
Pull me from the depths of
This pit that I fell in

Chorus:
But you are deeper still
Yes you are deeper still
My God you're deeper still
You are deeper still

Verse 2:
This Grief that buried me alive
You've raised me with your Love and I
Know that I have purpose when
I fix my eyes on You

Bridge:
As I reach for you
I can see
That God you've never left me
In my pain

Chorus 2:
Cuz You are deeper than anything I've done
Your Mercy's deeper still
You are deeper than any pit I've dug
Your Love goes deeper still