Listen & buy it here:
http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/heatherevans4
I'm happy not just because I think it is one of the most beautiful projects I've gotten to do sonically (BIG thanks to Chris Gatton for recording and doing the instrumentation!), but also what each song means to me personally and to the many others who listen to it and relate to it.
This EP is intended for people who have lost a child, but I'm realizing it's reaching beyond that.. That if you've experienced the depths of depression, the unsureness of your identity after losing something or the feeling of hope just out of reach, you will definitely relate to this EP as well. :)
The reason behind this EP is simple. My husband and I lost our 1st baby, Lily on Easter Sunday, 5 years ago at 12-13 weeks. A gap was left in our heart, hope of having a child was just out of our reach and I turned to music to help ease my pain. As I looked I couldn't find much that fit my "style" or said what I wanted to say. It was frustrating. So I started to write my feelings out, guitar in hand, and what I came up with was over 10 songs that were my gateway to healing. I wasn't sure if they would go anywhere, until my counselor requested my songs for a woman who lost 4 children. Seeing her reaction to the songs made me realize I couldn't just keep them for myself, other people needed these songs for healing. :)
So here we go. The reasons behind the songs.
1.) The Wall
I wrote "The Wall" in 15 minutes or less in the attic of an old Monastery turned into a retreat center in Cincinnati, Ohio. I was pouring out my heart full of insecurities to God in the form of a song telling Him "I can't do this". Struggling with the crippling depression and unsureness of who I am now, hardened and scarred with losses.. Putting up walls against people and God because of those hurts. As I was writing the song dwelling on the hurt, I got to the 3rd verse that says "There's a love that's opening my eyes, there's a peace that's casting out my fears, there's a joy I cannot hide, when you tell me I can do this, you tell me I can do this!" Then the 2nd chorus says "Cuz you come tell me have faith in what you can't see, when I'm too focused on, the things that try to break me, and you come sweetly and I'm so humbled, oh God you love me, you bring life back to these eyes.." It was like a turning point. Like God was speaking to me personally and shifting the focus in my life back to Him instead of the pain.
2.) Heaven Come Soon
I wrote "Heaven Come Soon" in my favorite writing spot, my attic. I was thinking about a vision I had while in counseling of seeing Lily, my daughter. It was an emotional moment where I saw the most clear picture of her holding the hand of Jesus, when she turned back and waved at me. Her hair was long and blonde and her eyes were bright blue like my sons. (I am crying now just thinking about it!!) The song is all about longing to see her sweet face again, but knowing that I'm caught in the tension of the "now" and the "not yet". The "now" is the waiting, the pain, where death still happens.. The "not yet" is the hope of Jesus making all things new with no more death, tears, pain. Where I'll see Lily and Jesus face to face and things will be made right. It's a hard place to be when you've lost someone, but hopeful because you know this isn't the end. I hesitated putting it on this EP, but decided even though it hurt, it would hopefully help someone who needed it.
3.) Let it Go (The Balloon Song)
I wrote "Let it Go (The Balloon Song)" in my attic also. Actually, a friend of mine was making a video for an organization and asked if I had any instrumental songs she could use. I didn't have any, but I thought I'd give a shot at writing one. :) She wanted it to be hopeful, so I placed my fingers on the strings and started with a very hopeful verse into sort of a pensive chorus, then later went back and recorded some lead parts over the main chords and sent it off. As I started recording this project with Chris Gatton, I told him about the instrumental song and he recorded all the parts on guitar & added some piano. When I heard what he did, I felt really inspired! He told me the song reminded him of a balloon floating away and as the song played through on the speakers, I told him I heard the words "Let it go" then he chimed in with "Time to let it go" and we repeated that back and forth. I'm so glad it morphed into what it is! It is my 1st instrumental song and I'm so glad it's on this EP. It is a good break for the listener to just process and cry or shout or add their own words. :)
4.) Deeper Still
I wrote "Deeper Still" on Easter Sunday (the day we lost our babe) 2 years ago. I had heard a quote earlier that day by Corrie Ten Boom that says "No matter how deep the pit, God is deeper still." It stuck with me all day. I was at my parents house and my son Trust was taking a nap, so I slipped away to the spare bedroom with my guitar and started to sing. Thinking of God, who He is, as big enough to handle my pain and grief. That no matter how big the pit of grief I had dug myself into, He was big enough to pull me up out of it. To turn my pain around and give me a purpose in that pain. Sure enough, I am seeing that come around.
5.) Hope in a Bottle
I wrote "Hope in a Bottle" in my Kitchen. It gets SUPER hot in my attic in the Summer so my writing/playing space turns into the kitchen during that time of the year. I couldn't come up with the 2nd verse so I had Chris Gatton help me with it, which turned out great because of that. I was thinking about after we lost our baby Lily, a lot of things were unsure. The hope we had of having a child disintegrated, unsure if we could carry a child to term. I had to come to a point of standing on the shoreline of my hopes and fears and give them to God. That I had no control of them, but God did. So the whole song is a picture of me putting my hopes in a bottle and throwing them out to the treacherous waves of the ocean that only God controls, watching helplessly as they go farther out of my reach. Luckily for my, hope of a baby did come back around to me, but it definitely wasn't easy.
No comments:
Post a Comment