It's 5:30am and I am awake and my stomach betrays me when I get up to get a glass of water to take my anti nausea meds. As I'm retching over the kitchen sink I'm crying, and crying out to God "get me through this!! Make me brave!! I seriously can't do this, but I'm Trusting you to make me strong enough." I'm pounding the counter frustrated at my body being stronger than my will.
Yesterday started miserably and I was hoping today would offer the relief I needed. Yesterday I threw up EVERYTIME I got out of bed. I was in good spirits at the beginning of the day making jokes with my mom about how I was only going to eat things that taste good coming back up, but by the end of the day my body ached from retching, shaking and I felt weary. Hours feel like Days, days feel like an eternity. It's tourtureous.
It's been a slow fade. From what I read, 8-10 weeks is when your body produces the most hormones and when sickness is at it's worst and when hyperemesis gravidarum starts to kick up.
I've been holding out because tomorrow is when I see my doctor and will hopefully start making some hard choices about treatment. I was on a medicine pump last time that made it so I could function better even though it didn't fully take away the persistent, always there, nausea.
More than getting the help I desperately need, I can't wait to see my sweet babe on the ultrasound. It's REALLY HARD to believe that I am pregnant at this point. It feels more like I'm undergoing cancer treatments & dying instead of carrying a precious baby. So when I see that hope appear on the ultrasound screen, I will gain a bit more strength that I need to get through this...Living motivation that there is goodness on the other side of suffering.
I just sat here and cried and read this post. These emotions. Every day. As every day crawls by. Tomorrow is 15 weeks for me and my 2nd hg pregnancy. Prayed for you mama.
ReplyDeleteThis is also my 2nd HG pregnancy and it is SO ROUGH. Congrats on being 15 weeks praying for some relief for you soon!
DeleteOne day at a time. It seems to have let up a little, so much fear that i will relapse to keep nothing down. I hate living in fear and am trying just to TRUST!
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