Flash backs, confronting fear, trusting God.

This morning I woke up terribly sick to my stomach, with the room spinning. When I got up to use the restroom, I took my trusty puke bowl with me. I retched and cried into my old familiar friend, flashing back to my last pregnancy with hyperemesis gravidarum. I got back in bed and didn't move for a long time, the room still spinning about. My husband came in to check on me and I just cried and cried saying "I can't do this again! I'm not strong enough! I have to take care of Trust now too!" He reassued me it would be okay, but panic was settling in. 

I had JUST talked and prayed with a friend the night before about how being pregnant again was bringing up a LOT of past fears and memories.. It's never easy to dig up hard things, and no matter how much I've tried to say "every pregnancy is different, stop thinking about last time!" I get tense, bracing myself for what "could" be. 

My husband worked from home and went in around 1pm and my mom came shortly after he left. She had the same look of panic on her face too. Memories clouding her vacant motions of tidying up my house. She saw me through the roughest, toughest, near death nights. She understands. She is so selfless, but it's not easy for her..

I called my nurse and never heard anything back, and around 2pm the dizziness subsided. I can almost be sure it was Vertigo that I was experiencing this morning (increased progesterone and sinus issue most likely to blame). I was able to sit with my son and snuggle for a bit. 

I'm honestly hoping this morning was a fluke. I'm still feeling quite nauseated but not to the extreme I experienced this morning. 

In a way I'm glad I had an honest moment and breakdown of how I was REALLY feeling. It freed me up in a sense and I know it's OK not to be "strong" but to lean on the One who can carry me through this, who is strong when I am weak. Jesus says "Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.." I think the kind of rest he's talking about is rest from worry and trying to control what we can't control. I'm trying my best to REST. Truly rest through all of the flash backs, fears, worries etc. I am learning to TRUST again that He is WITH me through all of this and worship Him even when the outcome isn't what I want.