After I got out of the hospital, my family had a secret meeting about how to take care of Trust AND me, since I'm unable to take care of myself without throwing up violently while getting up to do anything. My family is amazing. They made a weekly schedule to take care of me and Trust. On Monday my husband is home from work & on Tuesdays & Thursdays I go to my sisters house around the corner & on Wednesday and Friday my mom & Dad take care of me & Trust, Saturday my hubby is home & Sunday my Grandma. They get me something to munch on every two hours like a smoothie, banana, muffin and I just lie still and try my best to keep it down. It's going well like I said, but it can be hard to rely so heavily on other people to care for you and lonely to not be able to move or talk much. You just sort of feel helpless.
Surviving the misery of constant nausea and gagging + hating every time I have to eat, choking it down as I gag + the bordem that ensues of day in day out watching TV, unable to move + only showering every 4 days risking a vomiting fit + losing connection with the world is maddening at times. Honestly though, I don't even have time to think if I am depressed or about my emotions because the reality of the misery of everyday is all I can deal with from moment to moment.
Like last time, I realize the trauma of suffering through something like this usually hits later. I spent months in counseling hashing through all the emotions of sadness, torture & desperation I felt. Unfortunately, I had a lot more to deal with last time b/c I had some MAJOR complications that almost took my life on several occasions. That kind of stuff shakes you up in a way that you're not sure you will ever be the same. I wrestled through so much depression and luckily I had an amazing counselor + wrote lots of music to get me through all of it.
I am a singer songwriter so music is a huge way I work through things and I wrote a song when I was starting to heal from depression and Post Traumatic Stress called "Out of the Woods". In the song it talks about anxiety, depression, addiction being like this deep dark wood. The farther in you go, the harder it is to get out. The end talks about how Gods word & truth is the light that guides us out of the darkness and it really speaks true to my situation. God is the only one able to speak to the broken, dark, sad, terrible places we have been through. He can and will draw you out of that place if you look for him. I find myself in that place again because of circumstances trying to swallow me up and it's ok. It's a journey, a process and it molds us into who we are.
Watch the music video for Out of the Woods: http://youtu.be/qygHNLcovVg
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