A heartbeat of hope

On Tuesday I saw my new doctor for the first time and had my first ultrasound! 

I liked her right away. She looked down at the bright red bowl in my hand and said "not feeling so good these days?" To which I answered "not at all". I grasped tightly to my bowl, uncertain how much longer I could hold down my partially eaten lunch. 

I leaned back and looked over to the black and white ultrasound screen, when I saw it! A cute little bean with a racing heartbeat on the screen. He/she even moved around a bit for us! My eyes watered up and I couldn't stop smiling. This was the hope I needed to keep going. 

My doc upped my meds and prescribed a dissolvable tablet for me to take. 

That night and the next day started a not so fun trend of throwing up every time I got up. (7 or more times, I lost count) I couldn't keep anything down so I called the nurses at my doctors office. They prescribed me a new medicine + an anti acid. I took the new medicine that night and it knocked me out. The next day I took it first thing in the AM (I have a window of 10 min in the morning where I feel ok) and I felt like a zombie, in and out of sleep unable to keep my eyes open long. I think it helped my nausea and vomiting, not because it actually helps but because you sleep most of the time. 

My son is 4 and he was happy playing Legos and watching lots of cartoons. He is such a great independent player and knows where his snacks and drinks are and helps himself! He is such a good boy. I don't know how some momma's do it with young-ins. 

I am struggling this morning. Brett got me a bowl of cereal that I threw up shortly after because I got up to get my medicine. I am unable to move currently, remaining as still as possible, trying to keep it together. I'm not sure what to do from here. How can I take a shower, take care of Trust, eat, go to the bathroom without throwing up? I haven't showered for 3 days did I mention that? I haven't eaten a full meal in... I'm not sure how long. I can't smell food cooking without gagging and retching. My legs are like noodles. My eyes are bloodshot...

I'm praying constantly. "God help. Get me through these next 2 days, 2hours, 2 minutes. Keep this baby strong. Help me to be strong." On and on and on.. But When I saw that little glimmer of hope in that heartbeat on the ultra sound, I knew God has given me all that I need to get through this. That sometimes life is a struggle. You aren't always going to be happy. There are parts in this journey that are hard and that is ok. I love how God sprinkles those little breadcrumbs of hope along the way. To keep us going, to help us not lose sight of what we are fighting for.