Story of Joy

This being our 2nd pregnancy with Hyperemesis Gravidarum, we had an opportunity to 1.) Be depressed, give up, push God away & be bitter OR 2.) Find the good, be thankful, and press into Jesus & Trust Him even when we walk through "the valley".

Unfortunately, with my last pregnancy with our son Trust, I chose option #1 most of the time. I was SO afraid after losing our 1st baby a year and a half earlier, that the same thing would happen again, PLUS I had NO idea what was happening to my body. Light, sound, movement, smells anything and everything made me throw up. Even something touching my mouth made me vomit. I felt like I was being tortured. Minute by minute, second by second. I couldn't even sleep through the intense nausea. The only thing I could do was sing worship songs in my head because even the TV made me sick. It was the loneliest, darkest time of my life and I isolated myself. I gave up hope, I felt angry that God wouldn't take my suffering no matter how much I begged and pleaded. I became bitter at Him, I needed someone to blame for my pain, and He graciously took on my blame shifting and loved me through it. 

It took many months of counseling to realize God wasn't punishing me or wanting this to happen to me.. That my life & my son Trust's life was so valuable that the Enemy was hard pressed to try to steal, kill and destroy me and this precious babe. God showed me that despite these horrible things happening to me, He was DOING something, in me. Turning around the awful plans of the Enemy to harm me, and turning it around for His good. 

Hindsight is always 20/20. The verse I cling to now in ..James 1:2-3 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." Was not even a thought in my mind, but holds SO true if you really press into the hard thing you are facing. You won't be the same on the other side of the hardship for good or for bad if you stare it straight in the face. 

Which leads me to this pregnancy and choosing option #2. 

Looking down at the pregnancy test and seeing PREGNANT in that small window, made my world stand still for a moment. Remembering the pain and suffering and how I weathered it less than gracefully before. After finding out I was pregnant, I laid in bed depressed for a week. Fears creeped in my mind and I let them stay for a few days. Then one day, I got up out of bed ready to FIGHT. I prayed and asked God to strengthen me and thanked Him for this second chance to do things differently, PLUS blessing us with another child we thought we'd never have. For SOME REASON, beyond myself, I was able to get up and see things from a whole new perspective. This was my second chance. 

Psalm 40:2-3 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,out of the mud and mire;he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth,a hymn of praise to our God.Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him. 

I was out of the pit for a second, but knew the battle ahead would try to swallow me back up again. I had to rely on Gods strength and Trust Him through the battle, knowing He'd get us though it. 

The battle plan was simple. I knew I couldn't do this on my own strengths. I needed God to strengthen me daily & I couldn't isolate myself like I did before, I needed the prayers, support & help of others. 

After a vomiting fit I'd pray "God give me strength, help!" Then eat a bit, and throw up again. I was determined to fight and not give in. He has been my ROCK a solid place to stand on shaky ground.

We set up a support system of friends, family and our beloved church community to help with my son Trust, they would bring us meals, pray for us, help around the house etc... I reached out instead of trying to do everything on my own, and the difference between last pregnancy and this pregnancy is NIGHT and DAY. 

Don't get me wrong here, my Hyperemesis Gravidarum has been JUST as severe if not worse, landing me in the hospital 2 times + I still had to be on the Zofran pump and many more horrible things BUT the thing that has changed is ME. My mental state & my Trust in The Lord. I think that going through the last pregnancy really built that foundation for me to be where I am now. That my pain & suffering wasn't for no reason, it was just another piece to this Story God is weaving through our lives. And He is using the Stories of our kids!!

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2 days ago we got to see our sweet babe on the Ultrasound and found out we are having a GIRL!!! Like our son Trust, we decided to name her through what we feel like God is showing us or teaching us as a reminder for the rest of her life. We chose the name Story Joy. We really feel like this girl does and is going to have an amazing testimony & story to tell! She has also taught us to have Joy, not just surfacey happiness in even the toughest of circumstances and her life alone brings us such JOY! We feel so excited and loved seeing her during the ultrasound!

We have SO much to be Thankful for this Thanksgiving. Plus, I am pretty grateful I'll actually be able to eat and enjoy food!!! 😊

A week of 1sts

I'm almost 18 weeks pregnant & the effects of Hyperemesis Gravidarum are starting to wear off a bit, although a bit of nausea will probably stay with me my entire pregnancy. 

I've been having some good days full of 1sts this pregnancy! 

I went to church for the 1st time two weeks ago. I wasn't able to sing during worship because I would start gagging (which is hard for me!!), but man, it was SO good for my heart! The week I happened to come to church was the same week that the Kids ministry, Middle School & High School Ministry's were leading worship!! My husband is the Middle School Youth Pastor at our church, so I have a special place in my heart for those kids! I found myself in tears feeling so thankful to be able to be back at church + the fact our kids were leading, it was just such a sweet moment! I got TONS of hugs and smiles and it just felt good to be out in the world again. Some youth saw me in the cafe and asked if they could pray for me, I loved their prayers!! 

I went to the grocery for the 1st time this past Sunday. Me and my son Trust went to our favorite grocery store, Trader Joes! I told Trust he had two rules: To find the Turtle (the one they hide in the store & if a kid finds it they get a sucker!) and To stay with me. He followed both rules great! He was a HUGE helper and I gave him tasks to find certain foods. He also found a Turkey and we weren't sure if he was on display or if he was replacing the turtle so we took it over to where you get the sucker. We asked the Trader Joes employee and he said "yes that is who you are supposed to find! The turtle is on vacation" it was soo cute. He felt very proud of himself!

When we were finally ready to cash out, we told the cashier Tim we found the Turkey! Tim asked Trust "Are you going to be a big Brother soon?" Looking at my blossoming tummy & my pump slung over my shoulder. Trust replied "YES!" And I continued to tell him that this was my very 1st trip to the grocery store since being pregnant for 4 1/2 months and that I have been very sick and in and out of the hospital. He said "oh wow! Congrats on being up and about!" & told me he understands and has 3 kiddos of his own. In the middle of ringing up our items he waved to an employee and whispered something to him. The employee came back with a bouquet of fall flowers WITH 2 pink & white Lilies in them (we named our 1st babe that we lost on Easter Lily & I have a pink & white Lily tattoo!) and he handed them to me and said "I'm glad you're up and about and I hope you continue to get better!" I nearly burst into tears and said "Thank you! This means so much to me right now!" I just feel like every step I take, Jesus is using people to show me His GREAT love and that He SEES me in this time. 

I picked Trust up from Preschool for the 1st time ever! I had never even been to his preschool before that day because he started right when things were going down hill for me. When I peeked my head in the room he said "mommy? Mommy!!!!! I didn't know you were picking me up today! Do you want to see my cubby?!" He felt happy and proud to show me his class. It was so nice!

I bought my 1st baby purchase! A fox lovey, a diaper changing pad & some curtains! 

Me and my Son Trust went out together for a "Date" for the 1st time yesterday. Before getting SO sick me and Trust went on TONS of adventures. We would go on dates and sit in Starbucks and just talk about Legos while he'd munch on Chips & sip apple juice. But a lot has changed and it has been VERY hard on him. He would ask me "Do you still love me? Will you be sick forever? Are you going to die?" I did my best to reassure him I would only be sick for a little while and that my love would never change for him. So yesterday was a very emotional 1st for us!! 

We went to Blue Star Barbershop and Got his hair cut (the 1st time in 6 months!) which he LOVES to do. He feels very grown up and cool when he gets his hair cut at the Barbershop + the lady Stacey who cuts his hair has kids and does so well asking him questions and keeping him happy. 

After the Barbershop Trust asked if we could go to the mall and play on the play place (it was freezing that day!) so I told him absolutely even though by that time I was starting to get epically nauseated. I told him we'd have to get a snack through Starbucks before we went and he was happy! 

My sister & nieces met us at the Playplace at the mall & Trust ran over to me with the biggest smile on his face he said "mommy this is the best day ever!!" What was a seemingly normal day for us in the past had turned into "The best day ever" because of the horrible circumstances that kept us from doing happy normal things together. I almost burst into tears I felt so happy he was happy. 

I am seeing life so differently these days. We really do take for granted! Being on deaths door can do one of two things to you: 1.) make you bitter or 2.) Make you better.  I honestly feel like I am better for everything I am going through and cherish life so much more!

OH I have one more first! I felt babe move in my tummy for the first time 5 or so days ago and constantly since! I was starting to worry since I was approaching 18 weeks and hadn't felt anything, but now I feel him/her moving lots! We also have our next ultrasound in a little over a week. I am dying to know what our baby's gender is and to put a name to this sweet one! 

I am definitely discovering that I can't do as much as I want to do, but that is ok! I am SO much farther than were I was just 2 weeks ago when I couldn't even move without being super sick. I am taking every day as it comes and realizing every moment is a gift. I am so thankful this thanksgiving season and I am looking forward to learning more and more through this process!