Heaven Come Soon

This song is a song I wrote as I was grieving the loss of my Baby Lily. I was trapped in the tension of the now (not able to see and hold her or be with her) & the not yet (the hope of being able to see & hold her). Also feeling that gut sense of this is NOT how it's supposed to be. That mother's shouldn't lose their babies, death is such an unfair not natural thing. That it was never supposed to be this way. That God never intended for us to experience death, but the moment sin entered the world through Adam & Eve, death entered as well. God's heart broke & He made a plan to set things straight again by sending HIS son Jesus to pay the penalty that we should have to pay, death, FOR US.

 Until things are truly made right, that tension will always be felt. So as I sing the words "Heaven come soon, cuz this is not our home" it's a realization that this isn't the way it's supposed to be, that earth is not our final destination, that we were made for heaven & the kingdom fully come with no death & tears. The cool thing is we get to play a part in seeing the kingdom come here on earth as it is in heaven, NOW. We have a great hope because of that! That we get to see glimpses of the kingdom now even.

The second verse talks about me getting to see a glimpse of Lily in heaven while I was in a counseling session. I had this beautiful picture of her with beautiful golden blonde hair holding the hand of Jesus. She turned back and waived to me as if to say "I'm ok momma!" She had the brightest blue eyes & she looked SO happy! What a great comfort that was to my heart, that though I can't hold her in my arms, I know Jesus has her!

My precious Grandma Waugh who recently passed away gets to hold her & meet her too! She loves her grandbabies, it's such a cool thought.

So this song is full of longing, but also hope & great assurance that I will see Lily again.

No Timeline on Grief

There is no timeline on grief.

It swings in & out like a pendulum, sweeping in at the most random moments. 

I had a dream the other night that I couldn't shake. I dreamed the tattoo of a Lily I got as a memorial for my daughter Lily we lost on Easter Sunday in 2008, washed off. I saw it happening before my eyes, & I couldn't stop it from washing away. After it was gone I tried to remember what it looked like to replace it. 

I woke up from the dream and looked at my wrist to see if the Lily was still there, it felt so real. 

The next day Trust randomly talked about Lily.  He often does, because he sees my tattoo & asks lots of questions about why I got it & what happened. I share with him openly about everything & he NEVER forgets her. It's almost heart wrenching how he brings her into everything. Like if I say we have 2 kids he always reminds me we have 3, one is just in heaven. 

Recently, a good friend asked me if we were going to have any more kids & time stood still for a second as I said "no", but in my heart it felt like there was a hole, a gap where a third child should be. I told her about Lily. I cried as I told her this loaded answer to a simple question & she cried with me. 

I will never have another child of my own because I get SO sick to the point of almost dying + my recovery takes years. I'm still dealing with terrible thyroid problems from my last pregnancy. So a third baby is definitely not in our future. It's just that awful nagging feeling of what could have been that feels so hard & sad.

I think the thing that breaks my heart the most is seeing how well Trust & my niece Chloe play. They are best friends! I often compare what Lily would be like to Chloe because Lily would be a little older than her. It's hard because Story my youngest is 21 months & Trust loves her, but they don't really interact much because of the huge age gap. He often says, "I wish Lily was here. I'd have someone to play with." I reply through chocked back tears, "I wish that too buddy."

It does get easier in a way.. time does make you forget the sting of death, but the scar is always there, it doesn't ever quite heal fully. 

I love how Trust reminds me so asurredly that we will see her in heaven. Death feels so final, but the hope of what Jesus has accomplished through His death & resurrection so that death wouldn't have the final word, is incredible. My Grandma Waugh is currently in her final days battling stage 4 cancer & it's been so hard. The thing I keep reminding myself is soon, she will get to see her Husband, her her brother, Mother & Father & hold her great grand babies that are in heaven! That thought brings me to tears & one day we'll all be reunited because of what Jesus did! That is SO COOL. The end is not the end, but really a new beginning!

The song "You're Beautiful" is a lovely reminder of this thought. It goes:

"When we arrive at eternity's shore, where death is just a memory & tears are no more, we'll enter in as the wedding bells ring, your bride will come together & we'll sing, You're beautiful."

So as we live in this tension of the now & the not yet, we can be assured, death doesn't have the final say. That one day all will be made right & we can hold the ones we've lost again! 💓

I wrote this song about grief. Corrie Ten Boom had a quote that said "No matter how deep the pit, Gods love is deeper still." No matter where you are in the grief process know God is with you in it! His love is deeper than any pit or place of grief you find yourself in.