Old Post Revisited- Due Date

I came across a post I wrote on November 20th of 2008. I wrote it on the date that was to be my daughter Lily's "Due Date" and thought it might help some of you who are wrestling through some similar emotions of losing a baby as well.

I still think of our 1st unborn babe and when I do tears swell up in my eyes. She would be 4 years old this year. Tears of hope and of longing. My thinking has shifted away from grief to hope these days though. No more do I think of not seeing my unborn babe in this life but that I WILL see her in heaven someday.

Know that it is okay to feel. To grieve. No longer how long it's been, the sting of death is still hard...
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THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2008

"Wallow"-a Gilmore reference

So the episode of Gilmore Girls where Loreli tries to get Rory to "wallow" in the pain of her recent break-up with Dean came to my mind just now. She tells Rory to get a bucket of icecream, lay in bed all day, cry it out.. Yesterday I had a grand time wallowing! :) Although I wasn't breaking up with a beloved boyfriend, the emotion is the same. Hurt, Grief, and the thought that nothing will be the same.

Rory and I are similar in the fact that we didn't want to wallow right away.. We refused to in fact. It was just too hard to deal with it, so no wallowing.. Life has to go on. the thought of I just want to be normal or If I stop here I will drown in grief for heaven sakes!

 Rory says, "MOM LEAVE ME ALONE!" Heather says, "GOD LEAVE ME ALONE!" 

Then I realize today is my due date. "Today is the day I would have met my baby. Today is the day most moms take their baby home from the hospital."-- I don't get any farther before the excessive tears come.. 

The wallowing Begins

I cried all night.

I cried when I woke up the next morning.

I went back to sleep.

Slept for hours more.

Ate whatever I wanted to eat. (popsicles instead of icecream for me!)

I read Hans Christian Anderson.

I read www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com (Cried MORE tears)

I wallowed. I missed. I wondered. I agonized. I cried more.

Today when I woke up I feel the scar. I see it in my eyes. A beautiful reminder that I have a daughter. That I experienced something more amazing in the few months I was with her than I ever have in a lifetime. "She's opened my eyes to see, that there is more to life than this". I am better and worse because of it. I am stronger and weaker because of it..

After reading www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com I was reminded that Jesus was left with scars too. A beautiful reminder of the suffering he went through for love. 

AMEN.

Surviving Pregnancy with Hyperemesis (Extreme Nausea & Vomiting)

I had one of the WORST Pregnancy experiences known to women. 

After about a week of being pregnant I got EXTREME "Morning Sickness" or as I would call it "All Morning, Noon and Night Sickness". I couldn't see light, smell scents, see movement, hear noises, put anything in my mouth, move my body, etc without violently throwing up. It got to the point where my body was so starved and dehydrated I had to have home care and special IV nausea Medication that they give to Cancer Patients. The Doctors soon found out I had a rare condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum. It's just a Lofty term for extreme nausea and vomiting during pregnancy. Below are some tips I got from my Home Care Nurses at Alere that literally saved my life. I have given them to MANY of my pregnant friends too! 

YOU CAN DO THIS. It may be the hardest thing you've ever had to fight for, but in the end you get an amazing gift!

Tips for Nausea from my Home Care Nurse

-Prenatal vitamins can increase your nausea, while feeling sick try flintstone vitamins!

-Eat small, frequent meals. Too much food on your stomach can make you sick. Lots of snacks! Pretzels, teddy grahams, mashed potatoes, canned fruit and dry cereals are good. I ate a lot of boxed breakfast cereals and it got me through.

-choose BLAND foods! Starches are the best.

-No intense flavors like garlic, terryaki, onion, NO acidic things like tomato sauce, certain fruits like oranges and lemons

-Be careful with dairy (Dairy is hard to digest) and meat (NO RED MEAT! It sits in your stomach for 24 hours and is hard to digest)

-Fluids-Suck on Ice, Drink Gatorade (balance gatorade w/other liquids), Lemonade, Hawaiian Punch, Kool-aide, ginger ale, sprite, and popsicles instead of water. Water sits in your stomach and can make you feel nauseated.

Easily Digested Carbohydrates:
-Saltines or other low fat crackers
-Graham crackers
-Bread or toast, white or wheat
-Plain Bagels, English Muffins
-Pretzels
-Vanilla wafers, angel food cake
-Ginger Snaps
-Rice, Noodles
-Baked Potato, Mashed Potato
-Cream of Wheat, Oatmeal, Grits
-Dry cereals
-Canned peaches/pears, applesauce
-Ripe Bananas

-chew on some beef jerky for protein. (if you can stomach it!)

-Drink Ensure if you can't do prenatal vitamins to supplement my diet with some vitamins. It has lots of good stuff in it! Like protein and folic acid.

-Keep snacks by your bed at night and munch on them if you wake up in the middle of the night, or for in the morning right when you wake up, it helps!

-If toothpaste makes you sick try brushing with just water or baking soda.

-Don't lay down right after eating, it can cause acid reflux!

-Stay away from strong smells like Cooking (someone else might have to cook and tell them to turn the fan on and open a window), cleaning products and perfumes.

**You may lose some weight in the beginning because of being so sick. Don't worry! Your baby is NOT effected. They are feeding off of YOUR nutrients (like a parasite) so you are really the one that the doctors are worrying about in the beginning.

**Be talking with your doctor about how bad your sickness is! There is a lot they can do! They can prescribe Anti Nausea Meds that are safe and they can prescribe Home Care where you can be monitored by nurses over the phone & get Meds in an IV you stick in your leg if you can't take meds by mouth.

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If you have ANY questions please feel free to ask me! Or if you need emotional support I'd love to be a listening ear too. 

The Video is of a Song I wrote for my son Trust when I finally got through all of the sickness. It's called "Trust" naturally :) -- The video is from a long time ago, that is Trust when he was a baby in the background!

You are Not Alone

As I recover physically & Emotionally from a beyond traumatic miscarriage, pregnancy, delivery & recovery, I often feel like I am alone. I feel like I am the only one who has had hyperemesis, home care nurses, Medicine IV's, bed rest, preeclampsia, level 3 tearing, 2 blood transfusions, congestive heart failure, pulmonary failure, 1 1/2 year recovery, etc. that I can't talk with and relate with anyone and they won't understand my struggles.. It's easy to fall into the trap of feeling completely and utterly alone.

The truth is though, the more I share my story, the more I find women who have been through similar situations and sometimes worse and I realize I'm NOT alone!

I recently attended a wedding and I shared my story about Trust with the table after someone asked about his unique name. The woman (a friend) next to me began to open up about her traumatic, life threatening pregnancy/delivery and I realized we had a lot of similarities. She started to cry as she shared, the terror of the memories filling her countenance. She is someone I know and love but I had no idea what she went through!

Time and time again as I share my story about Trust I am amazed to see this openness happen. I realize that I am not alone in my struggles and that there are a lot of other women going through the same things.

If you are feeling similar to the way I feel at times, it's ok!! Healing is a process and we NEED to reach out to each other, to God and share our stories to help lift each other out of the trap of loneliness.

The WORSE thing you can do is sweep the hard things you've been through under a rug. When you suppress the trauma, sadness, grief, fear, anxiety, it will fester and you may become a ticking time bomb for an emotional break down.

Something that has helped me is professional Counseling through my Church. She helps me talk through and confront all of my fears and reminds me of the help that is offered through Jesus.

If you can't afford counseling, try to get into a support group, journal your thoughts, talk to a mentor or trusted friend and ask them to check in on you from time to time.

I was recently at the Beach for a week and it was wonderful! As I walked the beach in search of shells I was reminded of the cheesy, over used story about the Footprints in the Sand. It made me cry as I read it again and I put it below.

Footprints in the Sand- by Carolyn Joyce Carty
"One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way.But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:
"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."


Just remember as you heal, You are Not Alone.