Flash backs, confronting fear, trusting God.

This morning I woke up terribly sick to my stomach, with the room spinning. When I got up to use the restroom, I took my trusty puke bowl with me. I retched and cried into my old familiar friend, flashing back to my last pregnancy with hyperemesis gravidarum. I got back in bed and didn't move for a long time, the room still spinning about. My husband came in to check on me and I just cried and cried saying "I can't do this again! I'm not strong enough! I have to take care of Trust now too!" He reassued me it would be okay, but panic was settling in. 

I had JUST talked and prayed with a friend the night before about how being pregnant again was bringing up a LOT of past fears and memories.. It's never easy to dig up hard things, and no matter how much I've tried to say "every pregnancy is different, stop thinking about last time!" I get tense, bracing myself for what "could" be. 

My husband worked from home and went in around 1pm and my mom came shortly after he left. She had the same look of panic on her face too. Memories clouding her vacant motions of tidying up my house. She saw me through the roughest, toughest, near death nights. She understands. She is so selfless, but it's not easy for her..

I called my nurse and never heard anything back, and around 2pm the dizziness subsided. I can almost be sure it was Vertigo that I was experiencing this morning (increased progesterone and sinus issue most likely to blame). I was able to sit with my son and snuggle for a bit. 

I'm honestly hoping this morning was a fluke. I'm still feeling quite nauseated but not to the extreme I experienced this morning. 

In a way I'm glad I had an honest moment and breakdown of how I was REALLY feeling. It freed me up in a sense and I know it's OK not to be "strong" but to lean on the One who can carry me through this, who is strong when I am weak. Jesus says "Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.." I think the kind of rest he's talking about is rest from worry and trying to control what we can't control. I'm trying my best to REST. Truly rest through all of the flash backs, fears, worries etc. I am learning to TRUST again that He is WITH me through all of this and worship Him even when the outcome isn't what I want. 

Trusting God with Baby #2

Anyone that knows me knows pregnancy is not my thing. Not because I don't love children (I LOVE KIDS SO MUCH!), but because my last 2 pregnancies did not go so well. 

My 1st pregnancy started out well and ended tragically in a miscarriage on Easter Sunday 2008. My second pregnancy with my son Trust was one of the worst and hardest experiences of my life starting with life threatening Hyperemesis Gravadium (extreme nausea and vomiting) and ending with pre eclampsia, congestive heart failure and years of recovery from digestional issues and thyroid problems. I basically ruled pregnancy out and said "it'd have to be a miracle for me to ever get pregnant again."

Well that miracle has happened! Hahaha! I laugh because that's all I can do, right?! 

I knew something was up before I took the test because my love for coffee turned to a disgust for the taste. This is a major indication for me something is wrong, amongst other symptoms. I took a pregnancy test the day before we went to our churches Middle School summer camp. It was one of the blue tests where you get a blue plus sign if you are pregnant and there was a very faint blue line making a plus symbol on the test, so I thought there was an error and went off to camp. 

At camp my stomach was sick a lot but I didn't think anything of it because camp food is just BAD. Haha! I was also supposed to start my period at camp, but nothing happened. I thought it was a stroke of good luck, but when I got home I took the other pregnancy test in the box only this time the plus was very evident. I kind of felt happy and dread mix together and asked Brett to get a digital clear blue test to check the results. And sure enough, the test read "Pregnant". 

Me and my husband Brett didn't get a wink of sleep that night.. All I could think about was the possible impending sickness that debilitated me so severely during my pregnancy with Trust, or the thought of losing this baby like my 1st pregnancy. 

I called my doctor on Friday and didn't hear anything back until Monday which made me even more nervous! The nurse had me come in that day for blood work and prescribed me Progesterone (a hormone that helps you not miscarry). I was glad they were on top of it, but I'm anxious to hear back about the blood test! 

Me and my husband Brett have had lots of discussions about baby #2 and made a "disaster prep plan" in case I get sick again. Meal plans, care needs and big priority, putting a TV in our room. Haha!! My husband is the greatest. The same night we talked about it, he hung up the big flat screen TV he had just gotten for $50 at the church and got a Roku so I can watch Netflix. :)

I made a decision to take this pregnancy one step at a time. Like my pastor says walking out faith is "left foot, right foot" and over time you'll see how far you've come but it doesn't happen overnight. So that's what I'm doing every day, hard or not, left foot right foot. Trusting God even when I can't see, leaning into His arms.

At camp we sang the song Oceans and it has never meant more to me than it does now. Especially "you call me out upon the waters, the great unknown, where feet may fail, and there I find you in the mystery, in oceans deep, my faith will stand." 

God doesn't always call us to what is easy or even what we understand, but we will find Him in it.