Heaven Come Soon

This song is a song I wrote as I was grieving the loss of my Baby Lily. I was trapped in the tension of the now (not able to see and hold her or be with her) & the not yet (the hope of being able to see & hold her). Also feeling that gut sense of this is NOT how it's supposed to be. That mother's shouldn't lose their babies, death is such an unfair not natural thing. That it was never supposed to be this way. That God never intended for us to experience death, but the moment sin entered the world through Adam & Eve, death entered as well. God's heart broke & He made a plan to set things straight again by sending HIS son Jesus to pay the penalty that we should have to pay, death, FOR US.

 Until things are truly made right, that tension will always be felt. So as I sing the words "Heaven come soon, cuz this is not our home" it's a realization that this isn't the way it's supposed to be, that earth is not our final destination, that we were made for heaven & the kingdom fully come with no death & tears. The cool thing is we get to play a part in seeing the kingdom come here on earth as it is in heaven, NOW. We have a great hope because of that! That we get to see glimpses of the kingdom now even.

The second verse talks about me getting to see a glimpse of Lily in heaven while I was in a counseling session. I had this beautiful picture of her with beautiful golden blonde hair holding the hand of Jesus. She turned back and waived to me as if to say "I'm ok momma!" She had the brightest blue eyes & she looked SO happy! What a great comfort that was to my heart, that though I can't hold her in my arms, I know Jesus has her!

My precious Grandma Waugh who recently passed away gets to hold her & meet her too! She loves her grandbabies, it's such a cool thought.

So this song is full of longing, but also hope & great assurance that I will see Lily again.

No Timeline on Grief

There is no timeline on grief.

It swings in & out like a pendulum, sweeping in at the most random moments. 

I had a dream the other night that I couldn't shake. I dreamed the tattoo of a Lily I got as a memorial for my daughter Lily we lost on Easter Sunday in 2008, washed off. I saw it happening before my eyes, & I couldn't stop it from washing away. After it was gone I tried to remember what it looked like to replace it. 

I woke up from the dream and looked at my wrist to see if the Lily was still there, it felt so real. 

The next day Trust randomly talked about Lily.  He often does, because he sees my tattoo & asks lots of questions about why I got it & what happened. I share with him openly about everything & he NEVER forgets her. It's almost heart wrenching how he brings her into everything. Like if I say we have 2 kids he always reminds me we have 3, one is just in heaven. 

Recently, a good friend asked me if we were going to have any more kids & time stood still for a second as I said "no", but in my heart it felt like there was a hole, a gap where a third child should be. I told her about Lily. I cried as I told her this loaded answer to a simple question & she cried with me. 

I will never have another child of my own because I get SO sick to the point of almost dying + my recovery takes years. I'm still dealing with terrible thyroid problems from my last pregnancy. So a third baby is definitely not in our future. It's just that awful nagging feeling of what could have been that feels so hard & sad.

I think the thing that breaks my heart the most is seeing how well Trust & my niece Chloe play. They are best friends! I often compare what Lily would be like to Chloe because Lily would be a little older than her. It's hard because Story my youngest is 21 months & Trust loves her, but they don't really interact much because of the huge age gap. He often says, "I wish Lily was here. I'd have someone to play with." I reply through chocked back tears, "I wish that too buddy."

It does get easier in a way.. time does make you forget the sting of death, but the scar is always there, it doesn't ever quite heal fully. 

I love how Trust reminds me so asurredly that we will see her in heaven. Death feels so final, but the hope of what Jesus has accomplished through His death & resurrection so that death wouldn't have the final word, is incredible. My Grandma Waugh is currently in her final days battling stage 4 cancer & it's been so hard. The thing I keep reminding myself is soon, she will get to see her Husband, her her brother, Mother & Father & hold her great grand babies that are in heaven! That thought brings me to tears & one day we'll all be reunited because of what Jesus did! That is SO COOL. The end is not the end, but really a new beginning!

The song "You're Beautiful" is a lovely reminder of this thought. It goes:

"When we arrive at eternity's shore, where death is just a memory & tears are no more, we'll enter in as the wedding bells ring, your bride will come together & we'll sing, You're beautiful."

So as we live in this tension of the now & the not yet, we can be assured, death doesn't have the final say. That one day all will be made right & we can hold the ones we've lost again! 💓

I wrote this song about grief. Corrie Ten Boom had a quote that said "No matter how deep the pit, Gods love is deeper still." No matter where you are in the grief process know God is with you in it! His love is deeper than any pit or place of grief you find yourself in. 

#Momlife is #thegoodlife

The hashtag #Momlife is my go to hashtag these days. Life with 2 kids can be SO crazy & funny & hard & exhausting & lifegiving all in one second. I literally feel like if a reality show was done of my daily "mundane" activities people would be falling over laughing because of how ridiculous things can be at times! 

Examples. (It helps to read these examples like you'd read a Gilmore Girls script, fast & funny)

my 9 month old Story woke up early from a nap & my hair was HALF STRAIGHTENED & I looked a bit like Albert Einstein on the right side of my head. My Albert Eistein geniusness kicked in by placing Story's Bumbo seat on the bathroom counter so she could look at her cute self in the mirror while I frantically finished the other side of my hair before she decided she's done looking at the pretty baby in the mirror & tried to alligator roll out of the Bumbo Seat. Luckily, I was 6 inches away & know the moment was going to happen, because I know her better than she knows herself. Here's some documentation of this cute chaotic moment. For real #momlife

Speaking of the Alligator roll.. Diaper changes aren't like how they teach you in the baby class in the hospital! I don't know if they know this or not, but the baby you take home from the hospital ACTUALLY MOVES. It's more like a sport (a little like wrestling) trying to get them to stay still long enough, to pin them down  to get their diaper on, BEFORE they pee on the carpet. If they pee or get poop on the carpet, they "win the match". I've lost several times on the famous move, "the Aligator Roll". Many active babies know this move well, but my little go-getter has MASTERED the alligator roll. Right when you open up the diaper, if you don't have a toy in her hand or distract her with something shiny, she will roll over from her back to her tummy in t minus 2 seconds. Especially on longer clean ups like poops, GAME OVER. The Aligator Roll wins!

Another #momlife moment that will make you laugh & maybe cringe happens right after you've had your morning coffee & you gotta go to the bathroom. (You know what I'm talking about..) Anyways, so you feel the rumbly in the tumbly & have to take your little one with you so that she doesn't hurt herself or eat something while you are gone for 5 minutes. In those 5 minutes, several comedy sketch possibilities unfold before your eyes. Your babe pulls herself up on the tub & almost slips on the bath rug, starts flailing around & you catch her in the nick of time before she seriously hurts herself on the tub (how do babies make it through everyday & live?!?!). After that near catastrophe she locks onto this amazing toilet scrubbing contraption in behind the toilet & makes a crawling dash toward it. You are sitting there holding her face, her fingertips just out of reach of the beloved germ-covered trophy, she cries & whines & kicks because she wants it so bad. Then, something else amazing grabs her attention. Long, white, flowing toilet paper hanging from above.. She grabs a handful & goes to put it in her mouth, but You intercept it before she eats it. More crying (from her & almost from you because this feels like the hardest bathroom trip of your life). You go to pull up your pants & flush the toilet & she pulls herself up on the yucky, germy toilet, ready to touch the water, but you are too fast for her. You are a ninja. You know what she is thinking in that maniacal baby brain of hers. You go to wash your hands & hold all the drawers on the vanity shut with your left foot balancing on the other trying not to topple over because she is trying to open the drawers & nearly pinched her finders. You get done with all of that & realize she also went poop. [insert all the sad/frustrated/determined emoji faces] 

Laundry is so funny also! -- Barricades. To fight the laundry battle & win, barricades are necessary. Before I knew my little princess was more like a dragon & wanted to take down my laundry towers, I folded laundry out in the open. Not anymore! I protect my laundry with any sort of barricade. If not, She'll tear up my piles in seconds & pull any carefully folded articles of clothing out of any accessible laundry basket. 

Another entertaining moment in motherhood is the shopping trip to Target when you tell your little prince he can't have the 99 cent hot wheel car because he already has 500 (or so) at home that he doesn't play with. The negotiations start painlessly enough, with the occasional foot stop, huff & puff combo, then things start to escalate and he throws himself on the floor and cries because he "never gets anything". People around start to stare but you press through. You remind him about the 500 cars he has at home & he continues on saying "but I don't have THIS one". At the same moment the baby is melting down because you won't let her chew on the cart handle & a memory pops in your head. "Actually we do have that one at home!" Your little prince studies the car again, shrugs & says "oh" and puts it back like NOTHING CRAZY HAPPENED. You dodged a 99 cent bullet, this time.

These little professional mischief makers are my treasures. I joke at how hard menial tasks can be with my little rascals around, but I wouldn't want to trade it for anything! The wet, slobbery open mouthed kisses & the "mommy, I love you so much, you're the best mommy" make #momlife the #goodlife . 

Moms, I salute you. This is no easy task raising human beings! It takes massive amounts of patience, extravagant love & can some days cost you your sanity. Remember on those sanity costing days, you are not alone. There are millions of other momma's defending their laundry towers & feel alone in the fight. You are remarkable for all you do, are & sacrifice to make sure those professional mischief makers grow to be less professional mischief makers & more productive adults! 

The long awaited birth of Story Joy

This pregnancy has been one of the hardest things I've ever been through. Battling Hyperemesis Gravidarum (extreme nausea & vomiting), heart issues, sciatica, frequent hospital visits, dehydration, all while chasing around a preschooler & trying to maintain some sort of normal in my life, yeah hard!

Yet, even with all the pain & suffering I've endured, as my induction date got closer the anticipation & excitement of meeting our daughter sat in the forefront of my mind. I couldn't wait! She is what I'd been fighting for. 

We counted down the days, hours & minutes to meet our Story Joy & on Monday morning at 10:30am we headed to Riverside Hospital to get ready to be induced at 11am. 

Being induced was uncharted territory for me. In fact a "normal" delivery was like a foreign concept I couldn't even wrap my mind around. BUT I kept my mind positive & didn't dwell on the horrors that haunted my mind of my last delivery with my son, Trust. My husband on the other hand was quiet as a mouse on the drive. I asked him if he was ok & he was honest that he was scared & I told him I was scared too. We prayed & continued on in silence, listening to Mumford & Sons.

We arrived a few minutes early to the hospital & got all set up in our room & met our nurse Carlene, who would be our nurse the whole time, which set my mind at ease. She was an older lady who had been helping deliver babies for 25 years. She was just the person I needed in the room & was very kind & reassuring. I love that we chatted about life the whole time I was being checked in, it made what was ahead not be so much in the forefront of my mind.

My mom arrived shortly after I was hooked up to Antibiotics for Strep B (the bacteria that can be transferred to your baby during delivery) & around 12pm Carlene started the labor inducing drug Pitocin. My contractions were picking up & things were moving along & at 2pm they broke my water with what looked like a crochet needle (but was painless). 

My photographer friend Rachel came shortly after that & started snapping moments & we talked about adventures & marriage & it helped having good people with me distracting me from the pain. After they broke my water, my contractions went from achy to strong & fierce. We'd be talking & all of a sudden I'd grab my husband Brett's hand & grip it so tightly he'd lose circulation in it! Contractions are funny that way... You feel fine one minute, then the next you are climbing this mountain of intense pain. During those moments of contracting, I'd fix my eyes on the clock or a specific point in the room & almost blank out. 

My pain level was getting crazy & my contractions were VERY close together. The Pitocin was doing a fine job of ripening my cervix & moving things along!  As the next contraction came & went I asked Carlene, "ummm sooooo, when was the epidural thing gonna happen??" Shortly after that, around 4pm, the anesthesiologist came in & during a very strong contraction, gave me the epidural. 

The epidural helped in many ways. #1 it helped me relax & took away most of the pain during contractions & #2 it sped things along quicker than we were all ready for!!!! Here's where things get exciting...

At 5 o'clock my mom went down to the cafeteria to get everyone some food. (Except me of course) When she came back she had a box of Chinese food that was smelly & I immediately felt sick & said "you can't eat that in here!!" Shortly after that my contraction pain changed to crazy amounts of pressure that was painful & felt like I needed to push. I turned to the nurse & said "uh, I'm feeling very pressure-y... I think it's almost time!" Charlene was busy setting everything up for the delivery & stopped & called my doctor. To our surprise, my doctor was delivering another baby right down the hall, and at that point I was 10 cm dilated & I couldn't "hold it" anymore. Charlene coached me to pant & told me not to push & I grabbed my husband & moaned through the urge & pain of wanting to push. A few minutes passed & I said "Charlene, I can't do it!!!!" She called the resident doctor & I prayed out loud "God please let Dr Cacchio get here! Please God!!" After what seemed like hours, but was only actually 10-15 minutes, Dr Cacchio flies in the room & asks "are we ready to have this baby?!" She reassures me, "it's going to be great. It's not going to be like last time.. We aren't going to use forecepts.. Recovery will be better.." 

The "1st contraction hit" & Dr Cacchio asks "are we ready to push?!" I said "YES!" But as I was pushing, I felt like I completely forgot everything about birthing a baby! The nurse quickly coached me to hold behind my legs, take a couple deep breaths & push with my chin to your chest & hold your breath as you push. The first push Dr Cacchio excitedly says "oh I see some hair!!" Hearing that gave me some motivation for the next contraction & I told the nurses "I forget what to do!!" And they coached me through pushing again & I screamed because it hurt so bad & the pressure was crazy & the doctor reassured me, "She'll be out on the next one!!" My 3rd & final push I pushed with all my might & screamed as I felt the doctor pull her out & I saw her lift Story up and Story immediately screamed "waaahhhh wahhhh waaahhhh!!" 

Everyone in the room cried tears of joy & relief!!! They immediately put Story up on my chest & I wept, tears rolling like rain down my cheeks. She was still wailing but as I began to talk to her & tell her "it's okay, it's alright, momma's here" she immediately stopped crying, lifted her head up & looked up me! Nothing in the world compared to the pure rapture of that moment. I was able to kangaroo with her for an hour! 

It was an exhilarating, emotional, redemptive experience. Night and Day compared the the horrific birth
experience I had with my son Trust. I am truly grateful to have a happy experience to reference now, not just traumatic. 

Getting to know Story these past couple days has been so wonderful. She is delightful, content, quiet & so sweet! We are head over heels for her & are excited for this new chapter in our family's story. :)

Watch the amazing/emotional video slide show that Rachel Baransi made of the photos she took of Story's birth here:

https://vimeo.com/125292284

The Finish Line in Sight

This pregnancy has been the longest, hardest road I've ever had to walk down. Complications with Extreme Nausea & vomiting (Hyperemesis Gravdidarum), dehydration, weight loss, heart problems, crippling sciatic nerve pain & emotional upheaval.

  As I look back, I wonder, "How did I get so far?!" I'm 37 weeks pregnant & at my last OBGYN appointment my cervix was already 2cm dilated & 50% effaced. I think when my doctor told me that, something clicked in my head "I'm almost to the finish line! I get to hold my baby girl so very soon. The suffering is almost over!" I don't think I've really thought about how close I am because I've just been trying to take things one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. The greatest thing is knowing there is an end date for sure. No matter what I'll be induced on April 13th, but I'm hoping she comes sooner!!! The hope of the finish line pulls my focus away from all that I've been through behind me, to the joy that is coming ahead of me. I couldn't have gotten this far without the many prayers, support & love of my family, friends & church community! They have carried me most of this race, and couldn't finish this race without them!

Here is a video I made of my journey through pregnancy! Click on the YouTube link to watch it: http://youtu.be/1gn6sTd3cpI

The Heart of the Matter

A few weeks ago I found myself in the hospital for the 5th time.

I had been feeling increasingly short of breath & had an episode of walking through our church where I was gasping for air, had painful Braxton Hicks Contractions, felt like I was going to pass out & my heart was racing like I had run a marathon. I tried to blame normal pregnancy breathlessness, but that night while I was getting my PJ's on, I found myself gasping for air, head pounding & spinning & my arms & legs felt heavy. I checked my blood pressure & it was 122/84 higher than my usual low 110/? Range. I knew something wasn't right. I woke up the next morning feeling swollen & knew I needed to call my doctor. 

I talked to the nurse, & she told me to go into the hospital to get checked out. I cried when I got off the phone & talked to my husband Brett. I just couldn't handle going to the hospital one more time. 

When I got to the ER they looked at me (and my big belly) and asked how many weeks I was and sent me up to Labor & Delivery. 

In the triage area in labor and delivery they monitored my heart beat, took my blood pressure & did an EKG. Everything looked good enough & they sent me home & told me to follow up with my doctor to get an Echocardiogram (ultrasound) on my heart that week.

 I went into my doctor and I explained to her what I was feeling and she agreed I needed to get an echocardiogram because of my history with Cardiomyopathy & congestive heart failure from preeclampsia during my last pregnancy. They also tested my hemoglobin levels in case my iron was low, but everything looked good. She also mentioned watching my blood pressure closely & testing my blood for signs of preeclampsia in the coming weeks to make sure we are ahead of any possible problems.

That very same week I got my echocardiogram & the next Monday I saw my doctor & she told me the results. They came back as Mildly Low Ejection Fraction (heart is not pumping out blood to full capacity that your body needs) in my Left Ventricle, something to be aware of and watch, but not serious yet. That the stress of pregnancy is a lot on the heart & She urged me to take it SLOW the next couple weeks. I'll probably need to see a cardiologist after pregnancy just to make sure everything is still ok. I had to do that last pregnancy too when I had Cardiomyopathy. (Swelling and some damage to the heart) She just urged me to take it very slow and to monitor my heart rate and symptoms closely. She also told me that she'll probably induce me a week early, on April 13th to make sure she isn't too big & that I don't get preeclampsia like last time.

That same week I was experiencing CRIPPLING pain in my lower back and hips. One night my sweet husband had to almost carry me to the bathroom I was in so much pain. My hip kept giving out and I almost fell a couple of times. I cried the pain was so bad! 

I called my doctors office AGAIN and the nurse urged me to see a chiropractor that works a lot with pregnant women. I called the Chiropractor James Schramm and they were able to get me in THAT DAY. I was relived to say the least. He told me my hip was tightly pinching my sciatic nerve and after that 1st adjustment I already felt LOADS better! I actually slept through the night which was a miracle in itself. 

I've also had increasing Braxton Hicks Contractions that have been more intense and painful. One night I had 20+ contractions in 5-7 minute waves for 2 hours, that I swore I was going to have to go to the hospital. I drank 2 cans of carbonated water (my safe beverage) and laid on my left side and they started spacing out and calming down, luckily! I called my doctor and talked to the nurse again (they know me so well by now!! Haha!) and told her what had happened and she told me "if you are having more than 5 contractions an hour that don't go away when you drink and lay down, that you could be in labor." I told her I drank fluids and laid down and they went away & she told me to be careful and try to stay more hydrated. I told her it has been a struggle staying hydrated (b/c of nausea) but I've been pushing through it! Those contraction episodes have happened a couple of times, so I know my body is getting ready for the "big event", which is exciting, BUT I've got to keep her in there a little longer :)

It feels like there is a new mountain to climb every week (sometimes 2 or 3) but I know once I see that sweet baby girls face I will look back on everything and say "it was all worth it"!

Her "story" is certainly not boring one!

Pregnancy Joy's, conquering Fears & Struggles

My Hyperemesis Gravidarum symptoms have calmed down a bit, even though 1st thing in the morning I'm still gagging and throwing up most of the time & right before bed nausea keeps me awake!! BUT I am SO far from where I was. I'm able to do small things like move around, make food, take a shower, do tasks around the house, & more when a month or so ago I wouldn't be able to do any of those things without it ending in a vomiting fit. I'm still having trouble drinking straight water (makes me super nauseated!) so I've been drinking Carbonated waters, koolaide & chomping on ice like nobody's business! Haha!! Dehydration still creeps up on me because I just have trouble drinking a lot and even landed in the hospital after a fainting spell & heart palpitations from dehydration. It's a tricky balancing act, but at least I'm not vomiting a ton too! 

Even though I'm feeling better as far as HG goes, I have to remind myself to take it easy. After soooo long of not being able to do literally anything, I find myself trying to make up for so much lost time. I feel bad for all the pressure that was on my husband when I was down and out and have made sure to stay on top of house work, but realize my limitations also. A funny realization I've come to is I can't "fit" into our laundry room anymore! Haha! Like literally can't fit! It makes me laugh and feel grateful for my growing belly :) 

My nesting instinct is kicking into high gear too. Like I said after so long of being so sick, my motivation to get things done to get ready for Story is high!! We are getting her nursery in order, collecting diapers, organizing, getting rid of things and making space in our hearts & home for our new arrival. I am sooo excited!

I also have been trying to face some fears moving into the final days of pregnancy. I only have like 13 weeks left!!! Trying not to compare this pregnancy to my last.. 

For instance, last week I had some swelling in my feet and hands and immediately my mind jumped to last pregnancy when I had undiagnosed preeclampsia that turned almost deadly after I delivered my son, causing congestive heart failure and pulmonary failure from all the fluid around my heart and lungs. I panicked because one of my feet was completely numb on top, but then realized I needed to drink more fluids to get the excess fluid out of my system. And sure enough, the swelling went down within two days after drinking more. Like I said drinking liquids is still a struggle, but I've been trying to press through!

Another fear of mine that is mounting is delivery. I had such a traumatic delivery with my son Trust (everything that could go wrong did + years of recovery from the aftermath) that I wish I could just be knocked out and not have to experience any of it again. But I know Story has to come out one way or another which means staring my fear straight in the face, clinging onto the hope & joy of the end product, that sweet baby Girl I'm stir-crazy to meet!! You do crazy things for the people you love, and I love this girl more than any fear I could have. I know it's gonna be a struggle and I'm really grateful for the prayer & counseling I've been getting leading up to labor & delivery! Seriously, it'll be Jesus and Jesus strength alone that allows me to face the fears I have. But I know He is with me in this!! He's brought me this far and has given me joy and trust even in the darkest of moments. 

I talked to my doctor about my fears and she was VERY reassuring and is going to be on top of the possibility of preeclampsia and may also induce me early so that she won't be so big when I go to deliver. My son Trust was 2 weeks late and was GINORMOUS. She said she'll watch me closely the last few weeks leading up to delivery to stop any problems from happening again. So good to have a reassuring voice in this process!

On a happier note, I've been well enough to play music again. I hadn't touched my guitar in 6 months & got to play a Christmas house show with a Nashville singer/songwriter & harpist Timbre. It felt SO GOOD to be there and to play music again. I even led worship at the mom's group I'm apart of, leading worship at Fusion youth group & have 2 shows at the end of the month! It's good to be back in the saddle a bit. :)