A Happy Birthday

Yesterday was my 28th Birthday. It was a beautiful, Autumn day and such a gift. My husband got me my favorite flowers, Orchids & gift cards to Target (my fave store) & iTunes! 

 I wasn't expecting to feel well enough to do anything, but got a shower & put on makeup for the 1st time in over 3 months to go to my Doctors appointment. I even wore real pants! 😄

At my doctors appointment we heard our sweet babes heart beat, beating strong and steady. My son Trust said "it sounds like a storm!" My doctor told me she could probably start seeing me every other week now since I am finally gaining some weight instead of losing and a little more stable. She also talked about weaning me off my pump in a few weeks which I told her scared me, but also was exciting at the same time. She said that fear is totally understandable with all I e been through. She also shared that in 4 weeks we get to do the ultrasound to check to see if the baby is developing normally and to find out if it's a boy or girl. I smiled really big because I've been counting down the days until we get to find out. You see, instead of feeling joy about pregnancy I've felt more like I am terminally ill. I think actually seeing our baby and putting a name to him/her will really make things seem more real. Trust thinks it's a girl and I'm thinking it's probably a boy, who knows! It's so fun!

After our appointment I still felt pretty good, so Brett suggested we go to Northstar (my all time favorite resturant) and celebrate! I told trust I wanted to go there earlier that morning and when we got to Northstar Trust said "Mommy you got your wish!" We sat outside to enjoy the weather as Me and Brett shared a chopped salad & trust devoured his kid budah bowl. I felt so happy to be out in the world. I told Brett it's been so long being out and about my senses felt overloaded! Every noise and smell and people moving was a lot for my hermit body to process. We took our time eating and I sat still, making sure none of what I just ate would come back up. 

After we ate, Trust pointed over to Jeni's Icecream and said "mom! you got your wish, my wish is some Icecream!" I laughed and said "why not!" So Trust and Brett got some sorbet & ice cream as we sat outside again enjoying the beautiful weather. 

We decided to try to go to Innis Woods (my favorite park!) because they have wheelchairs at the front so Brett could wheel me around. My sweet husband wheeled me around the entire park and I breathed deep and took in the beautiful fall scenery. I told Brett "I feel happy, like genuine happiness!" It was good medicine for the soul. Brett also snapped a few pics since he knows I love fall family photos, but we couldn't do it this year.

Later we went to my sisters house and met up with her and my parents and we ate potato soup & grilled cheese + cake! It was so nice to be present for the festivities instead of locked away in a room in silence. 

I'm honestly not sure what happened yesterday. I'm pretty sure yesterday was my Birthday Present from God. It was such a happy birthday and I'm so glad to have the friends and family I have. I am feeling very grateful these days.

Real Life- Eclipsed by Grace

These past 15 weeks have been some of the worst of my life. How can this be my real life? The nightmare I experienced with Hyperemesis Gravidarum robbed my first pregnancy & is at it again. 

I held back tears tonight knowing crying would make me throw up, mourning the fact I will never have a "normal pregnancy". Jesus met me in that realization and I thought of all of my sufferings. I said "God I can't candy coat this, this is what I'm going through" and laid it out.. 

Pregnancy glow? Try ghost white, drained face, with blood shot veins in my eyes, not to mention the acne taking over my body. I feel hideous.

My hair is in knots, matted from not shower for days. Risking a trip to the shower is not worth the breathlessness and boughts of uncontrollable vomiting that follow shortly after from doing too much. I should just shave my head. I feel more like a cancer patient going through rigorous chemo treatments. I would fit in better with them and probably be more understood.

I brushed my teeth for the first time in days. I used my sons toothpaste, it's milder than the extreme minty flavor of our adult toothpaste. I gently TRY to brush my tongue and start heaving into the sink.

The nausea never lets up. It won't leave me alone, not even with the cocktail of meds and the medicine pump I stick in my stomach every day. It won't let up even for a moment. IF I can fall asleep it helps for a while, but my nightly bathroom trip wrecks that. Even in my dreams I am nauseated and I'm dreaming more these days than Inception.

My stomach is bloated, crampy and hard as a rock. I know I look 6 months pregnant, but that is just my bowels pertruding out of my abdomen from the extreme constipation from the meds I am taking + pregnancy hormones. I am scared every bowel movement. The pain is so bad, I scream & cry to the point of almost passing out. 

I'm dehydrated but can't drink more than a few sips at a time. My mouth feels like I've been wandering a desert, but I haven't left my room. Food. I can't even write about food.. I hate it right now, though I know I need it. I stubbornly eat, knowing it may not stay down no matter my strong will.

I'm alone, isolated, I haven't left my house in months except for doctors appointments and trips to the hospital. I'm afraid to engage real life again. I've been through too much, it's seems impossible to reengage. 

I laid it out raw style. I knew He already knew, but I wanted to tell Him as his Daughter. A real moment. 

This is real life. Real life is ugly, raw, and hard. That is ok. You aren't weak or bad for experiencing "hard things" it's apart of life. It makes up our story. My seemingly microscopic faith gets tested daily. Sometimes I pass, sometimes I fail. It is hard to live in this tension between the Now (hard, painful stuff) and the Not Yet (when Gods kingdom breaks in & makes all things right & good). I feel the tension daily. But man do I see glimpses of the "Not Yet" that just utterly amaze me through it all. Especially when held up in front of the hard things I'm experiencing and I see an eclipse of Gods Grace, it's a beautiful sight. Only God could make my mess into a message of Hope & Grace. I'd be a lost cause without His redemption!

I've been keeping a list of all the ways people have helped us and huge ways God has provided for us (like our AC/heat getting repaired for free & my medicine pump being completely covered by insurance). The list is SO LONG like over 100 things. It's that grace eclipse held up in front of all of the suffering. What do I have to fear? Is my God not with me?! He IS ever present in times of need. My eyes get hazy sometimes and I forget. I'm so glad I have that written list. Because the road is long and we DO forget over and over the ways God has come through for us. I encourage you, Trust. When it's hard, when you want to quit, Trust The Lord is with you. Not in a Chistian way that becomes religious, but really in those REAL moments, when no one is watching, just you and Jesus. Have those hard convos. Be raw, be real. It's life changing stuff!

The Valleys and Hills of HG

The Valleys and Hills of Hyperemesis Gravidarum are treacherous. 

Last week I was in an incredible Valley. I was unable to move without throwing up, seeing a number on the scale that should be creeping up, but instead watching it plummet down. Constipation so bad I am crying because I feel like I'm passing boulders + the cramping makes me throw up.. Battle wounds, like mougles on my stomach from the many sites where my husband sticks me with a needle that is connected to the pump that continuously gives me medicine. My doctor told me if I continued on this path, I would be admitted to the hospital this week because I am already on the pump "The Big Guns" as he called it, and not doing well. He prescribed me ANOTHER medicine to try Diclegis to see if it would help and had me schedule an appointment with him the following week to see if I needed admitted to the hospital. 

My doctor gave me IV fluids in the office that day to get me through the day. The nurse had trouble finding my veins because of the dehydration and the only thing I ate that day was a small bag of potato chips. I tried not to cry as the bag of fluids got into my system.. 

The picture Above is only 2 days in with the pump. The sites are super painful and itchy. I am almost 2 weeks in now, so picture this only x4! 

We reevaluated our lives again and we decided I absolutely could NOT take care of Trust without full time support. Every time I got up to get Trust a drink or snack I ended up throwing up and got worse as the week wore on. I couldn't do another week like that without being in serious trouble.

My family were on vacation, sick or couldn't help, so we tapped into our amazing community of friends to help us out. Trust had so much fun and I was able to stay put and keep food down, FINALLY!

 I am now climbing the hill out of the valley. I had my weekly check in with my doctor to follow my progress and he looked at me and said you look much better! I told him I felt a lot better and took his advice to get help and stay still all week and it really helped. He told me to keep on this progress and to come back next week to make sure I don't sink back into another valley. He also suggested I take a motion sickness medication to see if it would help me get around better. 

The hardest thing about HG is the constant ups and downs. From one moment to the next it feels like things are getting better then the next I'm crying over my puke bucket, unable to breathe from violent boughts of vomiting. 

I'm struggling hard with the isolation of this condition as well. Although I want to see and talk to people, I literally can't talk on the phone or to people in person without feeling like I am going to throw up. Plus it's very embarrassing to throw up in front of people especially if it's a really intense moment where I throw up so violently I pee my pants. Yeah, I know ugly, right? 

It took me a LONG time after having Trust last time before I could reengage with people again. Plus, when you are going through something so hard and severe it is hard to relate to people or to not feel like a weird-o. 

I'm really being honest here! I know that it's not all for nothing. I see that even now.. This week alone I've heard from 5 momma's with HG & severe morning sickness that have told me "because of your honesty, It makes me realize I'm not alone!" To me, just knowing that I'm not the only one, that I'm not weird or whatever gives me so much hope to press forward. PLUS! There is an amazing gift at the end of all of this.. A Sweet, beautiful baby!!! Holding fast to Hope even amidst such suffering is all we can do in the meantime. 

The Pump.

After an emergency doctor appointment at my doctors office + getting fluids in the office, they decided the next step to treat the Hyperemesis Gravidarum was the Zofran Medicine Pump & home care. 

My Homecare nurse came by the next day with the pump and gave me a very thorough run through of how it works. I had the Zofran Pump with my last pregnancy, but I was SO AFRAID of it that I hardly retained much when the nurse showed me how to use it. This time around it was no big deal and I remembered a lot of the info from before. Last time, I was also REALLY scared to poke myself with the needle anywhere but my legs, but this time I tried my stomach (I hear it isn't as painful as the legs). The nurse also gave me an extra shot of Zofran to get me at a good place so I felt better. I felt "good" for a while with the extra shot and I was even able to play the board game LIFE with my son. It was a bright spot in a lot of dark days. He was so happy I was playing with him!

I've been having troubles adjusting to having a tube attached to me, and when I got up, I pulled it right off! My son Trust has also been a little afraid to sit next to me. He is afraid the pump is going to poke him or that he was going to hurt me! I assured him that he wouldn't get hurt and we read the book 'Mamma has Hyperemesis Gravidarum (but only for a while)' and talked about everything. He is still not sure about it but I assured him the Pump was helping mama! 

Sleeping was also an adjustment. I felt nervous turning over with the tubes attached and the site was getting sore. The Pump went off at 7:30am telling us to change the syringe and when I sat up I started dry heaving. I had Brett get everything I needed to change it and a muffin.  :)

I am still struggling to drink and eat today.  Every time I get up I'm retching and so sick. I have hope that the pump will help, and at least I don't have to take medicine by mouth, but I'm nervous it won't work and I'll just keep being miserable. Time will tell! 

13 weeks, emergency doc visit

Before pregnancy and during pregnancy picture 😳

The past week or so I've tried really hard to manage my HG (Hyperemesis Gravidarum) on my own and this morning after a vomiting fit, I decided I needed help. I called the nurse line at my doctors office and explained that it was like my meds just stopped working because I was vomiting and SUPER nauseated no matter what. She scheduled me an emergency Doctor appointment, and the doctor suggested a few things and I told him I had already tried everything. I knew what was next, The Zofran Pump. I had the Zofran pump with my last HG pregnancy with my son and although it helps, it HURTS, is super expensive, and home care nurses monitor you with it. You literally stick it into your leg or stomach (yourself or with help from a family member), it sucks and is awesome at the same time. I told him I was familiar with the Zofran pump and was willing to give it a shot. 

He also suggested I get hooked up to an IV for fluids in the office, so the nurse guided me back to the room. I was trying everything within me to not vomit, And when the bed wouldn't work in one room she moved me to another and I almost fainted on her. She was really nice and held me up and got me all situated and kept checking on me every few minutes. 

When my husband came back from lunch with my son Trust, the nurse unhooked me and took me out to my car. She told my husband if the Homecare nurses didn't call THAT DAY to call her, because she knew how badly I needed it.

We rushed from my appointment to my sons doctor appointment. I sat in the car with my red puke bowl, thinking of all the events of the day.. Poor Trust has had the worst Sinus infection and cough and he did one round of antibiotics but it never went away fully. We've had SO many sleepless nights taking care of him + me, we are ready for everyone to be healthy again!

I have a interesting week ahead. As we wait to see if the Zofran Medicine pump is covered by our insurance, I'm left with a little bit of hope and fear. Hope that it will work and that I won't be bedridden. Fear of the whole needle, swelling, unfunness of it. I'm realizing with every good effect something gives you, there is always a negative effect. Hoping I can push through all of this and not be overcome by everything. Trusting God even though I can't see what's in front of me.

UPDATE!! Home care is coming tomorrow and starting me on the Zofran Pump! Relief is in sight. These home care nurses are ANGELS. The woman I spoke with on the phone kept calling me honey and was really sweet. We already got the meds and everything tonight from a mail currier. ALSO, since our deductable is met,the home care is COMPLEYELY covered!! Praise The Lord!!!!!