I held back tears tonight knowing crying would make me throw up, mourning the fact I will never have a "normal pregnancy". Jesus met me in that realization and I thought of all of my sufferings. I said "God I can't candy coat this, this is what I'm going through" and laid it out..
Pregnancy glow? Try ghost white, drained face, with blood shot veins in my eyes, not to mention the acne taking over my body. I feel hideous.
My hair is in knots, matted from not shower for days. Risking a trip to the shower is not worth the breathlessness and boughts of uncontrollable vomiting that follow shortly after from doing too much. I should just shave my head. I feel more like a cancer patient going through rigorous chemo treatments. I would fit in better with them and probably be more understood.
I brushed my teeth for the first time in days. I used my sons toothpaste, it's milder than the extreme minty flavor of our adult toothpaste. I gently TRY to brush my tongue and start heaving into the sink.
The nausea never lets up. It won't leave me alone, not even with the cocktail of meds and the medicine pump I stick in my stomach every day. It won't let up even for a moment. IF I can fall asleep it helps for a while, but my nightly bathroom trip wrecks that. Even in my dreams I am nauseated and I'm dreaming more these days than Inception.
My stomach is bloated, crampy and hard as a rock. I know I look 6 months pregnant, but that is just my bowels pertruding out of my abdomen from the extreme constipation from the meds I am taking + pregnancy hormones. I am scared every bowel movement. The pain is so bad, I scream & cry to the point of almost passing out.
I'm dehydrated but can't drink more than a few sips at a time. My mouth feels like I've been wandering a desert, but I haven't left my room. Food. I can't even write about food.. I hate it right now, though I know I need it. I stubbornly eat, knowing it may not stay down no matter my strong will.
I'm alone, isolated, I haven't left my house in months except for doctors appointments and trips to the hospital. I'm afraid to engage real life again. I've been through too much, it's seems impossible to reengage.
I laid it out raw style. I knew He already knew, but I wanted to tell Him as his Daughter. A real moment.
This is real life. Real life is ugly, raw, and hard. That is ok. You aren't weak or bad for experiencing "hard things" it's apart of life. It makes up our story. My seemingly microscopic faith gets tested daily. Sometimes I pass, sometimes I fail. It is hard to live in this tension between the Now (hard, painful stuff) and the Not Yet (when Gods kingdom breaks in & makes all things right & good). I feel the tension daily. But man do I see glimpses of the "Not Yet" that just utterly amaze me through it all. Especially when held up in front of the hard things I'm experiencing and I see an eclipse of Gods Grace, it's a beautiful sight. Only God could make my mess into a message of Hope & Grace. I'd be a lost cause without His redemption!
I've been keeping a list of all the ways people have helped us and huge ways God has provided for us (like our AC/heat getting repaired for free & my medicine pump being completely covered by insurance). The list is SO LONG like over 100 things. It's that grace eclipse held up in front of all of the suffering. What do I have to fear? Is my God not with me?! He IS ever present in times of need. My eyes get hazy sometimes and I forget. I'm so glad I have that written list. Because the road is long and we DO forget over and over the ways God has come through for us. I encourage you, Trust. When it's hard, when you want to quit, Trust The Lord is with you. Not in a Chistian way that becomes religious, but really in those REAL moments, when no one is watching, just you and Jesus. Have those hard convos. Be raw, be real. It's life changing stuff!
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