Memorial for Grieving Families- November 3rd

A while back, I attended a friend's Memorial Service for the sweet daughter they lost due to fatal abnormalities.. To my amazement, my courageous friend approached me when I walked in and led me over to a memorial tree, where parents who have lost babies could tie a piece of yarn on one of the branches to honor the baby they lost. I was so amazed at the lovely gesture that she would step out of her own pain for a second to recognize my pain of losing a child. I was majorly impacted by that moment.

After the moving Service, I spoke with one of the Pastor's about how our church used to do Memorial Services annually for families who have lost babies in miscarriages, abortions, stillbirths and as infants. He said that he wanted to start doing the services again. My eyes lit up and I said "I want to help make that happen!" I explained that I had been working on a CD with songs to help families walk through the grieving process.. a kind of Soundtrack for healing that I wasn't sure what to do with and that I would love to give them away at the Memorial to the parents. He liked the idea and said he'd be in touch.

A few weeks later, we set a plan in motion to make the Memorial happen.

I am helping with some of the creative aspects of the service + the music and will be giving away CD's of the songs I wrote when me and my husband lost our 1st baby. I am SO honored to be able to provide a beautiful setting for other families to grieve, remember, honor and validate the loss of their sweet little ones. To be able to step out of my pain for a second like my friend did for me and stand beside other families who are in pain.

The Memorial Service will be held at Vineyard Sawmill Campus (6561 Dublin Center Drive, Dublin, OH) on Sunday, November 3rd at 3pm. 

The Memorial Service is for Families who have lost children due to miscarriages, abortions, still births, as infants and small children. All are welcome. Mom's, Dad's, Siblings, Grandparents, Friends.. It's going to be a lovely, well thought out service with readings, a short word from one of the pastors, moving music, a time worship & activities for remembrance & grieving.

Please invite anyone you know who has suffered a loss of a child.

The pic above is some inspirations for the decor for the service.

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No matter how many years pass after losing my 1st baby, I still feel an ache, a void. Especially with certain dates and when I see little girls that are the age of what my little girl would be. I never had a memorial for the loss of my baby and I ALWAYS think about that. But now, I get to provide one for other families who may not have had memorials for their babies either and I see the Lords Grace and care for me through planning it.. He has not forgotten my desire to have a memorial for our babe. What a thoughtful God I serve! I am always amazed by His kindness and His attention to detail. Even when I have long forgotten, He never forgets!

Cashier at Target's Story

Me and my son Trust were getting a few things at Target today. We got up to the check out area and I saw an older woman Cashier and something in my head said "Get in her line". I questioned the thought for a second because there were several other lines that were much shorter.. Reason told me, "pick the shorter line" but my gut (probably The Lord) told me to "go in the longer line where the woman was". So I chose the longer line :)

I love making small talk with people at the cash register and I commented how much I love the Dollar section because I found a lot of cute things to give to a family who just lost their baby in still birth. She commented how sweet it was to get the family presents and that it probably meant a lot to them in such a hard time. I told her how awesome of a family they were and that it stinks when bad things happen like that but that I understand how much you need hope in times like that. I went on to share that we named our son Trust because my pregnancy was really bad (and we almost lost him & me) but all we could do was trust God with his life and that God was with us and would bring us through. 

Her eyes filled with tears and she told me how cool that was. She then opened up to me and told me when she was younger, she was pregnant with twins and got in a car accident and lost one of the twins at 25 weeks. I just said "That must have been SO hard, I can't imagine..." She explained that her other baby had a heart defect and had open heart surgery at age 3 and that it was the toughest time of her life. I listened and we both watered up. Her pain was so evident, like it happened just yesterday. My heart broke.

After our talk (and she had rung up all of my items) she came around the counter and hugged me. We stood there hugging and crying together (the people behind us must have thought we were NUTS!).

Before I left I told her "But here is our hope, one day we will see our babies again! God Bless you and thank you for sharing your story with me!" She thanked me and me and my son Trust went on our way.

What a sacred moment in Target with that woman. Her sharing her story with me was so vulnerable and so sweet, I am so thankful for that moment and that I was able to validate her loss. (She kept saying "I was only 25 weeks so it isn't as bad as what most people have to go through.." I told her it is hard no matter how far along you are..)

I explained to Trust in the car what happened with the lady. I told him that she lost her baby in a car crash and that she was sad and we needed to pray for her. He immediately started praying a sweet and honest prayer. "Thank you Jesus for Lady.. Lost baby in crash, not feeling good, please help her." I added more to his prayer and Trust sat quiet for a moment in the back seat. He said "Aww lady sad.." I explained yes it is very sad and that we needed to keep praying for her whenever we thought about her. The rest of the day at random moments I heard "Thank you Jesus for Lady, lost baby in crash, She's feeling sad, help her Jesus."

I love having REAL moments like that with people and being able to talk about everything with my son Trust! I am learning and it is so cool to have Trust learn right along side of me too!

I shared the story with my husband Brett and told him that I love seeing the redemptive work of Jesus happen in our lives. Through all the trials and hard things that have happened, God is able to turn it all around and use it for good.

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:20 <-- This is what I believe for my own life! Satan may have tried to harm me, but God IS using it for good. My suffering wasn't for no reason!! 

****Quick update on the Songs for Healing music project I'm working on! I am recording vocals on 2 songs this Friday. I am hoping to get some video up soon explaining the songs so look out for those coming soon :) 

Breaking the Silence

Did you know 1 in 4 women lose their babies in miscarriages?

When I was pregnant with my 1st baby I was clueless about miscarriage. I told everyone without shame I was pregnant and made plans, had hopes & dreams about what my baby would be like. My plans, hopes & dreams for my precious babe were abruptly haulted when I found out I was miscarrying on Easter Sunday 5 years ago. I was 12 weeks pregnant and my despair swallowed me whole.

I felt so alone....for a while.

Women from church, work, etc came to me with their stories about babies they themselves lost in a miscarriage. I was amazed. Why didn't I know??? Why hadn't someone told me???

 What I sense from many women about miscarriage is the shame of keeping silent, of lessening their grief because they hadn't carried their baby to term, because their loss wasn't as "big" as other people's loss. Most women don't even speak about their pregnancy until they are 12 weeks and "in the clear". I say BREAK THE SILENCE. The more people that know about your baby good or bad the more support you will have in the days ahead. Shout your baby's name from the rooftop if it helps. Your baby has worth no matter how small, he/she has a place in your heart and should be honored for even the short or long time you get to be with him/her.

I know this notion is Taboo in many circles.. It was to me for a while too. I changed my mind when I just couldn't contain my longing and sadness and grief. I wanted someone to know I had a daughter and I was PROUD. I even stood up on Mother's Day at my church right after I miscarried in March to make a statement to myself that I was a Mother. To validate my emotions & say I really was pregnant and really DO have a daughter waiting for me with Jesus when I go to heaven.

Did you know that in October 1988 President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month?

 October 15th specifically is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. On this day women all around the world have memorial ceremonies and light candles for the babies that they have lost. Bringing validation to the life that was lost and a place for parents to grieve because most of the time with losses of babies, memorial services don't happen.

This year on October 15th I want to do a special memorial service at my church and invite anyone who wants to come remember their baby. I have some beautiful illustrations and things the parents can take with them to remember their baby and that their is hope.

Friends, I want you to know it's okay to talk about the baby you lost. Here is the cool thing I want to leave you with.. With Jesus, we don't have to just end at grief, loss & emptiness. With Jesus, the conquerer of death, we will one day meet our babies and all things will be as they should be. Amen.

Songs for healing

I've started work on a new music project called "songs for healing".

I wrote a few songs after I had a miscarriage on Easter Sunday 5 years ago, and more after the crazy life threatening pregnancy & delivery I had with my son Trust. I never thought anyone should ever hear the songs, that maybe they were just for me to process through my emotions.

Well, this isn't the case now.

I meet with a counselor to work through the depression, post traumatic stress and the emotional wreckage these past 5 years have brought.

One session I was talking with my counselor about the songs I've written during the healing process and she simply said "Heather, I need these songs! Do you have a recording of them anywhere?" I'm sure I looked flustered when I answered "Well, I have some rough recordings and could lay down the rest of the songs for you I suppose.." She went on to explain there was a woman she meets with that had still births and that she wanted to give my music to her. The next couple weeks I got all of my rough recordings of the songs together and gave the CD to her to give to the woman.

Weeks went by and I didn't hear anything and I thought nothing of it.

I went to see my counselor one day and she greeted me at the door and said, "heather, there is someone I want you to meet." She continued to say "this is the woman I gave your music to." Me and the woman locked eyes and both started to cry. We hugged and cried together because we knew what the other had suffered through and she thanked me.

This CD is super vulnerable and touches the deepest hurts in my heart and I love it. I think people need to know that it is ok to not be happy all the time. That it is ok to grieve when you've lost someone. It's ok to crumble and not have to put on an act that you are doing fine. It's ok to cry and it's not a weakness but a tool.

We tend to wear masks in front of each other and I think it's time to start taking them off and being real. No matter what you are going through, we should be able to bear with each other and not judge how far on the journey to recovery each person is at. Instead, embrace the place on the journey you are in and walk it out and grow through it. There is no sense in jumping ahead if you aren't ready yet.. Walk at a pace that is good for you, and walk it with Jesus.

Old Post Revisited- Due Date

I came across a post I wrote on November 20th of 2008. I wrote it on the date that was to be my daughter Lily's "Due Date" and thought it might help some of you who are wrestling through some similar emotions of losing a baby as well.

I still think of our 1st unborn babe and when I do tears swell up in my eyes. She would be 4 years old this year. Tears of hope and of longing. My thinking has shifted away from grief to hope these days though. No more do I think of not seeing my unborn babe in this life but that I WILL see her in heaven someday.

Know that it is okay to feel. To grieve. No longer how long it's been, the sting of death is still hard...
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THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2008

"Wallow"-a Gilmore reference

So the episode of Gilmore Girls where Loreli tries to get Rory to "wallow" in the pain of her recent break-up with Dean came to my mind just now. She tells Rory to get a bucket of icecream, lay in bed all day, cry it out.. Yesterday I had a grand time wallowing! :) Although I wasn't breaking up with a beloved boyfriend, the emotion is the same. Hurt, Grief, and the thought that nothing will be the same.

Rory and I are similar in the fact that we didn't want to wallow right away.. We refused to in fact. It was just too hard to deal with it, so no wallowing.. Life has to go on. the thought of I just want to be normal or If I stop here I will drown in grief for heaven sakes!

 Rory says, "MOM LEAVE ME ALONE!" Heather says, "GOD LEAVE ME ALONE!" 

Then I realize today is my due date. "Today is the day I would have met my baby. Today is the day most moms take their baby home from the hospital."-- I don't get any farther before the excessive tears come.. 

The wallowing Begins

I cried all night.

I cried when I woke up the next morning.

I went back to sleep.

Slept for hours more.

Ate whatever I wanted to eat. (popsicles instead of icecream for me!)

I read Hans Christian Anderson.

I read www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com (Cried MORE tears)

I wallowed. I missed. I wondered. I agonized. I cried more.

Today when I woke up I feel the scar. I see it in my eyes. A beautiful reminder that I have a daughter. That I experienced something more amazing in the few months I was with her than I ever have in a lifetime. "She's opened my eyes to see, that there is more to life than this". I am better and worse because of it. I am stronger and weaker because of it..

After reading www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com I was reminded that Jesus was left with scars too. A beautiful reminder of the suffering he went through for love. 

AMEN.

Surviving Pregnancy with Hyperemesis (Extreme Nausea & Vomiting)

I had one of the WORST Pregnancy experiences known to women. 

After about a week of being pregnant I got EXTREME "Morning Sickness" or as I would call it "All Morning, Noon and Night Sickness". I couldn't see light, smell scents, see movement, hear noises, put anything in my mouth, move my body, etc without violently throwing up. It got to the point where my body was so starved and dehydrated I had to have home care and special IV nausea Medication that they give to Cancer Patients. The Doctors soon found out I had a rare condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum. It's just a Lofty term for extreme nausea and vomiting during pregnancy. Below are some tips I got from my Home Care Nurses at Alere that literally saved my life. I have given them to MANY of my pregnant friends too! 

YOU CAN DO THIS. It may be the hardest thing you've ever had to fight for, but in the end you get an amazing gift!

Tips for Nausea from my Home Care Nurse

-Prenatal vitamins can increase your nausea, while feeling sick try flintstone vitamins!

-Eat small, frequent meals. Too much food on your stomach can make you sick. Lots of snacks! Pretzels, teddy grahams, mashed potatoes, canned fruit and dry cereals are good. I ate a lot of boxed breakfast cereals and it got me through.

-choose BLAND foods! Starches are the best.

-No intense flavors like garlic, terryaki, onion, NO acidic things like tomato sauce, certain fruits like oranges and lemons

-Be careful with dairy (Dairy is hard to digest) and meat (NO RED MEAT! It sits in your stomach for 24 hours and is hard to digest)

-Fluids-Suck on Ice, Drink Gatorade (balance gatorade w/other liquids), Lemonade, Hawaiian Punch, Kool-aide, ginger ale, sprite, and popsicles instead of water. Water sits in your stomach and can make you feel nauseated.

Easily Digested Carbohydrates:
-Saltines or other low fat crackers
-Graham crackers
-Bread or toast, white or wheat
-Plain Bagels, English Muffins
-Pretzels
-Vanilla wafers, angel food cake
-Ginger Snaps
-Rice, Noodles
-Baked Potato, Mashed Potato
-Cream of Wheat, Oatmeal, Grits
-Dry cereals
-Canned peaches/pears, applesauce
-Ripe Bananas

-chew on some beef jerky for protein. (if you can stomach it!)

-Drink Ensure if you can't do prenatal vitamins to supplement my diet with some vitamins. It has lots of good stuff in it! Like protein and folic acid.

-Keep snacks by your bed at night and munch on them if you wake up in the middle of the night, or for in the morning right when you wake up, it helps!

-If toothpaste makes you sick try brushing with just water or baking soda.

-Don't lay down right after eating, it can cause acid reflux!

-Stay away from strong smells like Cooking (someone else might have to cook and tell them to turn the fan on and open a window), cleaning products and perfumes.

**You may lose some weight in the beginning because of being so sick. Don't worry! Your baby is NOT effected. They are feeding off of YOUR nutrients (like a parasite) so you are really the one that the doctors are worrying about in the beginning.

**Be talking with your doctor about how bad your sickness is! There is a lot they can do! They can prescribe Anti Nausea Meds that are safe and they can prescribe Home Care where you can be monitored by nurses over the phone & get Meds in an IV you stick in your leg if you can't take meds by mouth.

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If you have ANY questions please feel free to ask me! Or if you need emotional support I'd love to be a listening ear too. 

The Video is of a Song I wrote for my son Trust when I finally got through all of the sickness. It's called "Trust" naturally :) -- The video is from a long time ago, that is Trust when he was a baby in the background!

You are Not Alone

As I recover physically & Emotionally from a beyond traumatic miscarriage, pregnancy, delivery & recovery, I often feel like I am alone. I feel like I am the only one who has had hyperemesis, home care nurses, Medicine IV's, bed rest, preeclampsia, level 3 tearing, 2 blood transfusions, congestive heart failure, pulmonary failure, 1 1/2 year recovery, etc. that I can't talk with and relate with anyone and they won't understand my struggles.. It's easy to fall into the trap of feeling completely and utterly alone.

The truth is though, the more I share my story, the more I find women who have been through similar situations and sometimes worse and I realize I'm NOT alone!

I recently attended a wedding and I shared my story about Trust with the table after someone asked about his unique name. The woman (a friend) next to me began to open up about her traumatic, life threatening pregnancy/delivery and I realized we had a lot of similarities. She started to cry as she shared, the terror of the memories filling her countenance. She is someone I know and love but I had no idea what she went through!

Time and time again as I share my story about Trust I am amazed to see this openness happen. I realize that I am not alone in my struggles and that there are a lot of other women going through the same things.

If you are feeling similar to the way I feel at times, it's ok!! Healing is a process and we NEED to reach out to each other, to God and share our stories to help lift each other out of the trap of loneliness.

The WORSE thing you can do is sweep the hard things you've been through under a rug. When you suppress the trauma, sadness, grief, fear, anxiety, it will fester and you may become a ticking time bomb for an emotional break down.

Something that has helped me is professional Counseling through my Church. She helps me talk through and confront all of my fears and reminds me of the help that is offered through Jesus.

If you can't afford counseling, try to get into a support group, journal your thoughts, talk to a mentor or trusted friend and ask them to check in on you from time to time.

I was recently at the Beach for a week and it was wonderful! As I walked the beach in search of shells I was reminded of the cheesy, over used story about the Footprints in the Sand. It made me cry as I read it again and I put it below.

Footprints in the Sand- by Carolyn Joyce Carty
"One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way.But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:
"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."


Just remember as you heal, You are Not Alone.