ER #2- a glimpse of goodness

Sooo the last 3 days I've been spiraling down to that place where when you get there, nothing you do at home will help. 

Dehydration is one of the big concerns when you have a pregnancy with Hyperemesis Gravidarum, so I called my nurse to see if I could come into the office to get some IV's before things got any worse. Unfortunately, there was no one at the office that could adminster the IV so they sent me to the ER to get hydrated. I wrestled for a minute weighing the pros and cons and decided it was something I needed to do to get back on track before things got to a bad place. 

We waited for a long time (like 2 hours!) in the waiting room and I was holding back the urge to puke because I have a big anxiety about throwing up in front of people, but knowing that with HG you can't always hold it back. So I held tightly to my puke bag and tried to breathe deeply.

We got to the room and it was a long process to get blood work done, then finally get the anti nausea medicine I desperately needed + 2 bags of fluids and 1 bag of fluids & dextrose. By the time the 1st bag got into my system + the Zofran for nausea, I was feeling a glimpse of relief and hope! My friend Maggie made us some Amazing soup and her hubby Austin brought it out to us and I was able to actually enjoy what I was eating without gagging and retching. I smiled really big and turned to my husband Brett and said "I feel happy." I haven't felt that relief and happiness for a long time now. It was a wonderful glimpse of goodness. I wish I could have that kind of care all day long! 

I told Brett I've been feeling like Frodo at the end of Lord of the Rings when he is talking to Sam after they had suffered much on their long journey, when he says: "I can't recall the taste of food... nor the sound of water... nor the touch of grass." The simple joys and good things get lost in the misery of everyday and after suffering much it's hard to believe things could be normal and good again. 

Being only 11 weeks is a scary place to be in with all of this madness. I know all too well the risk of miscarriage is highest in the 1st trimester and when the nurse did the Doppler to try to find the heart beat, she couldn't find it. She explained to me that this early it's tricky to find a heart beat since the babe is so small, But I couldn't help but feel that desperation rise up in me to want to keep trying. You see I was about 11-12 weeks pregnant with my 1st pregnancy and my doctor couldn't find a heart beat and found out my babe died in my womb. I know being so sick is a good indication that everything is ok, but man it is still scary!! I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday and I'm hoping to find some peace of mind then. Ugh, it is not easy being a parent! 😩

Despite all of this craziness, I have been fighting my hardest to eat even when I throw up, then eat to replace what I threw up, and on and on. It takes a lot of stubbornness to keep this cycle going and I am pretty stubborn! I think that is what has helped me this time around. :)

I am 12 weeks this week and see my doctor on Tuesday. I'm hoping the fluids I received today will carry me through until then.  

Love is Worth the Fight

I see my love there, 9 months across a battlefield

The war in front of me will try to claim my life

But I'm not afraid, 'cuz love is worth the fight.

Some days I want to give up, hours feel like days

But I won't surrender to this death dark as night

It won't steal my light, cuz love is worth the fight

I started the beginning of a song this morning, thinking of the struggle and battle of Hyperemesis Gravadium. It is literally a fight every second that takes a choice to keep going and not surrender to the  debilitating condition. At moments, love is the only thing that keeps you going, remembering there is a point to all the suffering. A sweet baby. Hold tight to hope. Love is worth the fight! 

 

Small steps, small bites, not out of the woods yet

After my last episode of vomiting uncontrollably due to Hyperemesis Gravadium (a condition during pregnancy that causes extreme nausea and vomiting) and going to the hospital for meds and fluids, I'm glad at report I am doing better-ish. I haven't thrown up in 4 days, which is a miracle, but the constant nagging nausea & gagging reminds me I'm not out of the woods yet. 

After I got out of the hospital, my family had a secret meeting about how to take care of Trust AND me, since I'm unable to take care of myself without throwing up violently while getting up to do anything. My family is amazing. They made a weekly schedule to take care of me and Trust. On Monday my husband is home from work & on Tuesdays & Thursdays I go to my sisters house around the corner & on Wednesday and Friday my mom & Dad take care of me & Trust, Saturday my hubby is home & Sunday my Grandma.  They get me something to munch on every two hours like a smoothie, banana, muffin and I just lie still and try my best to keep it down. It's going well like I said, but it can be hard to rely so heavily on other people to care for you and lonely to not be able to move or talk much. You just sort of feel helpless.

Surviving the misery of constant nausea and gagging + hating every time I have to eat, choking it down as I gag + the bordem that ensues of day in day out watching TV, unable to move + only showering every 4 days risking a vomiting fit + losing connection with the world is maddening at times. Honestly though, I don't even have time to think if I am depressed or about my emotions because the reality of the misery of everyday is all I can deal with from moment to moment. 

Like last time, I realize the trauma of suffering through something like this usually hits later. I spent months in counseling hashing through all the emotions of sadness, torture & desperation I felt. Unfortunately, I had a lot more to deal with last time b/c I had some MAJOR complications that almost took my life on several occasions. That kind of stuff shakes you up in a way that you're not sure you will ever be the same. I wrestled through so much depression and luckily I had an amazing counselor + wrote lots of music to get me through all of it. 

I am a singer songwriter so music is a huge way I work through things and I wrote a song when I was starting to heal from depression and Post Traumatic Stress called "Out of the Woods". In the song it talks about anxiety, depression, addiction being like this deep dark wood. The farther in you go, the harder it is to get out. The end talks about how Gods word & truth is the light that guides us out of the darkness and it really speaks true to my situation. God is the only one able to speak to the broken, dark, sad, terrible places we have been through. He can and will draw you out of that place if you look for him. I find myself in that place again because of circumstances trying to swallow me up and it's ok. It's a journey, a process and it molds us into who we are.

Watch the music video for Out of the Woods: http://youtu.be/qygHNLcovVg

Tips for surviving Hyperemesis Gravadium

A

I wrote this post after having my son Trust, and now I find myself referencing this post again as I'm 10 weeks pregnant and have extreme nausea and vomiting or Hyperemesis Gravadium again. I've picked up some new tricks along the way that I wanted to add to my list of helpful tricks for surviving Hyperemesis Gravadium :)

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I had one of the WORST Pregnancy experiences known to women. 

After about a week of being pregnant I got EXTREME "Morning Sickness" or as I would call it "All Morning, Noon and Night Sickness". I couldn't see light, smell scents, see movement, hear noises, put anything in my mouth, move my body, etc without violently throwing up. It got to the point where my body was so starved and dehydrated I had to have home care and special IV nausea Medication that they give to Cancer Patients. The Doctors soon found out I had a rare condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum. It's just a Lofty term for extreme nausea and vomiting during pregnancy. Below are some tips I got from my Home Care Nurses at Alere that literally saved my life. I have given them to MANY of my pregnant friends too! 

YOU CAN DO THIS. It may be the hardest thing you've ever had to fight for, but in the end you get an amazing gift!

Tips for Nausea from my Home Care Nurse (& 2nd time with Hyperemesis.)

-keep a mixing bowl or big chip bowl with you in case you need to vomit. Having something with me at all times alleviates my stress about making it to the toilet in time. Plus the smells in the bathroom and makes things worse.

-Prenatal vitamins can increase your nausea, while feeling sick try flintstone or chewable vitamins!

-smelling essential oils like lemon & peppermint can help with nausea! (Peppermint under my nose helps with random smells that make me throw up)

-keep a buffet of snacks & drinks with you at all times. :)

-Eat small, frequent meals. (EVERY 2 HOURS) Too much food on your stomach can make you sick. Lots of snacks! Bananas, Pretzels, teddy grahams, mashed potatoes, canned fruit and dry cereals are good. I ate a lot of boxed breakfast cereals and it got me through.

-Smoothies!!! Have banana be the main ingredient and add protein powder (I use rice protein) + rice or soy milk (dairy is hard to digest) + whatever fruit sounds good. Try to avoid acidic fruits. Maybe even add peanut butter for protien if you can stomach it! 

-choose BLAND foods! Starches are the best.

-No intense flavors like garlic, terryaki, onion, NO acidic things like tomato sauce, certain acidic fruits like orange.

-Be careful with dairy (Dairy is hard to digest) and meat (NO RED MEAT! It sits in your stomach for 24 hours and is hard to digest)

-COLD Fluids- Carbonated water like LaCroix, Dasani Sparkling, Suck on Ice, Drink Gatorade (balance gatorade w/other liquids), slushies, strawberry or raspberry Lemonade, Hawaiian Punch, Kool-aide, ginger ale, sprite, and popsicles instead of water. Also add Ice to whatever you drink! It helps for some reason! Straight Water sits in your stomach and can make you feel nauseated.

Easily Digested Carbohydrates:
-Saltines or other low fat crackers
-Graham crackers
-Bread or toast, white or wheat
-Plain Bagels, English Muffins
-Pretzels
-Vanilla wafers, angel food cake
-Ginger Snaps
-Rice, Noodles
-Baked Potato, Mashed Potato
-Cream of Wheat, Oatmeal, Grits
-Dry cereals (lucky charms is my fave)
-Canned peaches/pears, applesauce
-Ripe Bananas

-Muffins have helped me a lot this time around!

-chew on some beef jerky for protein. (if you can stomach it!) my doc suggested this but I couldn't do it 😖

-Drink Ensure if you can't do prenatal vitamins to supplement my diet with some vitamins. It has lots of good stuff in it! Like protein and folic acid.

-Keep snacks by your bed at night and munch on them if you wake up in the middle of the night, or for in the morning right when you wake up, it helps!

-lay still throughout the day, movement can make you even more sick.

-Take naps! The more tired you get the worse your nausea can get.

-If toothpaste makes you sick try brushing with just water or baking soda.

-Don't lay down right after eating, it can cause acid reflux!

-Stay away from strong smells like Cooking (someone else might have to cook and tell them to turn the fan on and open a window), cleaning products and perfumes.

-watch lots of movies, Get Netflix & watch tv series like: Pretty Little Liars, Gilmore Girls (coming to Netflix October 2014), or ones your hubby hates watching with you :)

-Find the perfect combination of medications that works for you. I switched medications MANY times until I found the winning combo. One of the keys for me was taking Pepcid to help with acid reflux. I ended up getting so sick both pregnancies that I ended up being on the Zofran Pump + Diclegis as well. Those plus Pepcid & a stool softener changed the Hyperemesis game for me! I was starting to be able to eat again in small portions & not AS dehydrated.

**You may lose some weight in the beginning because of being so sick. Don't worry! Your baby is NOT effected. They are feeding off of YOUR nutrients supply stored up in your body, so you are really the one that the doctors are worrying about in the beginning. Plus your baby is so tiny, they don't need much! 

**Just be careful with Dehydration! If you are dizzy, have dry mouth, have low urine output and have been unable to drink or have been throwing up everything you've been drinking you'll need to get IV Fluids at the ER! Dehydration is serious for you and your baby. 

**Be talking with your doctor about how bad your sickness is! There is a lot they can do! They can prescribe Anti Nausea Meds that are safe and they can prescribe Home Care where you can be monitored by nurses over the phone & get Meds through a medicine pump you stick in your leg if you can't take meds by mouth.

*** if you are vomiting for 24 hours and unable to drink or eat, Call your nurses at your doctors office and GO TO THE ER. The ER will give you fluids and anti nausea medicine through IV that will help you from spiraling down and being able to take care of yourself. Depending on how badly dehydrated you are, they may admit you to keep fluids in you! I went to the ER this week and got the fluids I needed and I have felt much better the past 2 days! (I'm still nauseated but able to maintain on my own with meds) 

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If you have ANY questions please feel free to ask me! Or if you need emotional support I'd love to be a listening ear too. 

My email is: storyoftrust@gmail.com 

My trip the ER with Hyperemesis

Yesterday, I was fighting really hard against severe nausea & vomiting, but I decided to finally surrender and call my doctor (again). I was almost in tears at the defeat, beacause I knew what they would tell me on the other end of the phone. I explained I only sipped 8oz of fluids that day and threw up most of what I drank so the nurse told me "Go strait to the ER and we will send an order for fluids and medicine. Follow up with us tomorrow and we might have to start you on the Zofran pump." 

I sat up to call my husband Brett and started throwing up whatever remnants of fluid were left in my system. 

We made plans for my sister and mom to hang out with our sweet 4 year old, and headed to the hospital. I held back tears in the car as we listened to the song "Come as You Are" By David Crowder. The lyrics hit home:

"Come out of sadness from wherever you’ve been, Come broken hearted let rescue begin, Come find your mercy, Oh sinner come kneel

Earth has no sorrow that Heaven can’t heal, Earth has no sorrow that Heaven can’t heal

So lay down your burdens, lay down your shame
All who are broken, lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home, You’re not too far
So lay down your hurt, lay down your heart

Come as you are"

We got to the hospital and there was NO WAIT in the waiting room! Which is absolutely unheard of in my experience. One of my fears is throwing up in front of people so the idea of sitting in a waiting room with my big bright red chip bowl, made my anxieties rise, but I never had to experience any of that since we got right in! 

All my nurses and doctors were super nice and listened to me. With my past pregnancy with Hyperemesis Gravadium, I was a lot more timid and unsure of what I was feeling, but this time around I knew what to say and what meds I do well with. 

They gave me 3 bags of liquids through an IV and anti nausea meds that helped a bit, but not fully with the nausea. The doctor gave me the choice to go home and follow up with my doctor in the morning or stay and be admitted. After 5 hoursin the ER, I was ready to go home and try my luck. At my discharge they gave me an official diagnosis of Hyperemesis Gravadium. 

I went straight to bed, stomach in knots, but I knew sleep was the only place I wouldn't experience the nausea, so I tried to relax and get some rest. 

As I'm fighting this good fight of bringing a life into this world, I know that I am going to get some "battle scars" along the way. I wrote a song titled "Battle Scars" that talks about how we all get wounded, but that our battle scars will heal as we press into God. As they heal I'm hoping to help others going through something similar. I also think it's cool that Jesus keeps his scars from the cross. To remind US of what He did for us. There is power in scars. They remind us of what we've been through and not to forget!

Watch/Listen to "Battle Scars" here:

http://youtu.be/zvwAtKFj3pw

A heartbeat of hope

On Tuesday I saw my new doctor for the first time and had my first ultrasound! 

I liked her right away. She looked down at the bright red bowl in my hand and said "not feeling so good these days?" To which I answered "not at all". I grasped tightly to my bowl, uncertain how much longer I could hold down my partially eaten lunch. 

I leaned back and looked over to the black and white ultrasound screen, when I saw it! A cute little bean with a racing heartbeat on the screen. He/she even moved around a bit for us! My eyes watered up and I couldn't stop smiling. This was the hope I needed to keep going. 

My doc upped my meds and prescribed a dissolvable tablet for me to take. 

That night and the next day started a not so fun trend of throwing up every time I got up. (7 or more times, I lost count) I couldn't keep anything down so I called the nurses at my doctors office. They prescribed me a new medicine + an anti acid. I took the new medicine that night and it knocked me out. The next day I took it first thing in the AM (I have a window of 10 min in the morning where I feel ok) and I felt like a zombie, in and out of sleep unable to keep my eyes open long. I think it helped my nausea and vomiting, not because it actually helps but because you sleep most of the time. 

My son is 4 and he was happy playing Legos and watching lots of cartoons. He is such a great independent player and knows where his snacks and drinks are and helps himself! He is such a good boy. I don't know how some momma's do it with young-ins. 

I am struggling this morning. Brett got me a bowl of cereal that I threw up shortly after because I got up to get my medicine. I am unable to move currently, remaining as still as possible, trying to keep it together. I'm not sure what to do from here. How can I take a shower, take care of Trust, eat, go to the bathroom without throwing up? I haven't showered for 3 days did I mention that? I haven't eaten a full meal in... I'm not sure how long. I can't smell food cooking without gagging and retching. My legs are like noodles. My eyes are bloodshot...

I'm praying constantly. "God help. Get me through these next 2 days, 2hours, 2 minutes. Keep this baby strong. Help me to be strong." On and on and on.. But When I saw that little glimmer of hope in that heartbeat on the ultra sound, I knew God has given me all that I need to get through this. That sometimes life is a struggle. You aren't always going to be happy. There are parts in this journey that are hard and that is ok. I love how God sprinkles those little breadcrumbs of hope along the way. To keep us going, to help us not lose sight of what we are fighting for. 

Hours feel like days, days feel like an eternity

I'm 9 weeks pregnant today HORAAY! 

It's 5:30am and I am awake and my stomach betrays me when I get up to get a glass of water to take my anti nausea meds. As I'm retching over the kitchen sink I'm crying, and crying out to God "get me through this!! Make me brave!! I seriously can't do this, but I'm Trusting you to make me strong enough." I'm pounding the counter frustrated at my body being stronger than my will. 

Yesterday started miserably and I was hoping today would offer the relief I needed. Yesterday I threw up EVERYTIME I got out of bed. I was in good spirits at the beginning of the day making jokes with my mom about how I was only going to eat things that taste good coming back up, but by the end of the day my body ached from retching,  shaking and I felt weary. Hours feel like Days, days feel like an eternity. It's tourtureous.

It's been a slow fade. From what I read, 8-10 weeks is when your body produces the most hormones and when sickness is at it's worst and when  hyperemesis gravidarum starts to kick up. 

I've been holding out because tomorrow is when I see my doctor and will hopefully start making some hard choices about treatment. I was on a medicine pump last time that made it so I could function better even though it didn't fully take away the persistent, always there, nausea. 

More than getting the help I desperately need, I can't wait to see my sweet babe on the ultrasound. It's REALLY HARD to believe that I am pregnant at this point. It feels more like I'm undergoing cancer treatments & dying instead of carrying a precious baby. So when I see that hope appear on the ultrasound screen, I will gain a bit more strength that I need to get through this...Living motivation that there is goodness on the other side of suffering.