Hours feel like days, days feel like an eternity

I'm 9 weeks pregnant today HORAAY! 

It's 5:30am and I am awake and my stomach betrays me when I get up to get a glass of water to take my anti nausea meds. As I'm retching over the kitchen sink I'm crying, and crying out to God "get me through this!! Make me brave!! I seriously can't do this, but I'm Trusting you to make me strong enough." I'm pounding the counter frustrated at my body being stronger than my will. 

Yesterday started miserably and I was hoping today would offer the relief I needed. Yesterday I threw up EVERYTIME I got out of bed. I was in good spirits at the beginning of the day making jokes with my mom about how I was only going to eat things that taste good coming back up, but by the end of the day my body ached from retching,  shaking and I felt weary. Hours feel like Days, days feel like an eternity. It's tourtureous.

It's been a slow fade. From what I read, 8-10 weeks is when your body produces the most hormones and when sickness is at it's worst and when  hyperemesis gravidarum starts to kick up. 

I've been holding out because tomorrow is when I see my doctor and will hopefully start making some hard choices about treatment. I was on a medicine pump last time that made it so I could function better even though it didn't fully take away the persistent, always there, nausea. 

More than getting the help I desperately need, I can't wait to see my sweet babe on the ultrasound. It's REALLY HARD to believe that I am pregnant at this point. It feels more like I'm undergoing cancer treatments & dying instead of carrying a precious baby. So when I see that hope appear on the ultrasound screen, I will gain a bit more strength that I need to get through this...Living motivation that there is goodness on the other side of suffering.  

Flash backs, confronting fear, trusting God.

This morning I woke up terribly sick to my stomach, with the room spinning. When I got up to use the restroom, I took my trusty puke bowl with me. I retched and cried into my old familiar friend, flashing back to my last pregnancy with hyperemesis gravidarum. I got back in bed and didn't move for a long time, the room still spinning about. My husband came in to check on me and I just cried and cried saying "I can't do this again! I'm not strong enough! I have to take care of Trust now too!" He reassued me it would be okay, but panic was settling in. 

I had JUST talked and prayed with a friend the night before about how being pregnant again was bringing up a LOT of past fears and memories.. It's never easy to dig up hard things, and no matter how much I've tried to say "every pregnancy is different, stop thinking about last time!" I get tense, bracing myself for what "could" be. 

My husband worked from home and went in around 1pm and my mom came shortly after he left. She had the same look of panic on her face too. Memories clouding her vacant motions of tidying up my house. She saw me through the roughest, toughest, near death nights. She understands. She is so selfless, but it's not easy for her..

I called my nurse and never heard anything back, and around 2pm the dizziness subsided. I can almost be sure it was Vertigo that I was experiencing this morning (increased progesterone and sinus issue most likely to blame). I was able to sit with my son and snuggle for a bit. 

I'm honestly hoping this morning was a fluke. I'm still feeling quite nauseated but not to the extreme I experienced this morning. 

In a way I'm glad I had an honest moment and breakdown of how I was REALLY feeling. It freed me up in a sense and I know it's OK not to be "strong" but to lean on the One who can carry me through this, who is strong when I am weak. Jesus says "Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.." I think the kind of rest he's talking about is rest from worry and trying to control what we can't control. I'm trying my best to REST. Truly rest through all of the flash backs, fears, worries etc. I am learning to TRUST again that He is WITH me through all of this and worship Him even when the outcome isn't what I want. 

Trusting God with Baby #2

Anyone that knows me knows pregnancy is not my thing. Not because I don't love children (I LOVE KIDS SO MUCH!), but because my last 2 pregnancies did not go so well. 

My 1st pregnancy started out well and ended tragically in a miscarriage on Easter Sunday 2008. My second pregnancy with my son Trust was one of the worst and hardest experiences of my life starting with life threatening Hyperemesis Gravadium (extreme nausea and vomiting) and ending with pre eclampsia, congestive heart failure and years of recovery from digestional issues and thyroid problems. I basically ruled pregnancy out and said "it'd have to be a miracle for me to ever get pregnant again."

Well that miracle has happened! Hahaha! I laugh because that's all I can do, right?! 

I knew something was up before I took the test because my love for coffee turned to a disgust for the taste. This is a major indication for me something is wrong, amongst other symptoms. I took a pregnancy test the day before we went to our churches Middle School summer camp. It was one of the blue tests where you get a blue plus sign if you are pregnant and there was a very faint blue line making a plus symbol on the test, so I thought there was an error and went off to camp. 

At camp my stomach was sick a lot but I didn't think anything of it because camp food is just BAD. Haha! I was also supposed to start my period at camp, but nothing happened. I thought it was a stroke of good luck, but when I got home I took the other pregnancy test in the box only this time the plus was very evident. I kind of felt happy and dread mix together and asked Brett to get a digital clear blue test to check the results. And sure enough, the test read "Pregnant". 

Me and my husband Brett didn't get a wink of sleep that night.. All I could think about was the possible impending sickness that debilitated me so severely during my pregnancy with Trust, or the thought of losing this baby like my 1st pregnancy. 

I called my doctor on Friday and didn't hear anything back until Monday which made me even more nervous! The nurse had me come in that day for blood work and prescribed me Progesterone (a hormone that helps you not miscarry). I was glad they were on top of it, but I'm anxious to hear back about the blood test! 

Me and my husband Brett have had lots of discussions about baby #2 and made a "disaster prep plan" in case I get sick again. Meal plans, care needs and big priority, putting a TV in our room. Haha!! My husband is the greatest. The same night we talked about it, he hung up the big flat screen TV he had just gotten for $50 at the church and got a Roku so I can watch Netflix. :)

I made a decision to take this pregnancy one step at a time. Like my pastor says walking out faith is "left foot, right foot" and over time you'll see how far you've come but it doesn't happen overnight. So that's what I'm doing every day, hard or not, left foot right foot. Trusting God even when I can't see, leaning into His arms.

At camp we sang the song Oceans and it has never meant more to me than it does now. Especially "you call me out upon the waters, the great unknown, where feet may fail, and there I find you in the mystery, in oceans deep, my faith will stand." 

God doesn't always call us to what is easy or even what we understand, but we will find Him in it. 

"Songs for Healing" EP- Stories Behind the Songs

I'm so happy to announce the "Songs for Healing" EP is up on iTunes, CD Baby & More.

Listen & buy it here:
http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/heatherevans4

I'm happy not just because I think it is one of the most beautiful projects I've gotten to do sonically (BIG thanks to Chris Gatton for recording and doing the instrumentation!), but also what each song means to me personally and to the many others who listen to it and relate to it.

This EP is intended for people who have lost a child, but I'm realizing it's reaching beyond that.. That if you've experienced the depths of depression, the unsureness of your identity after losing something or the feeling of hope just out of reach, you will definitely relate to this EP as well. :)

The reason behind this EP is simple. My husband and I lost our 1st baby, Lily on Easter Sunday, 5 years ago at 12-13 weeks. A gap was left in our heart, hope of having a child was just out of our reach and I turned to music to help ease my pain. As I looked I couldn't find much that fit my "style" or said what I wanted to say. It was frustrating. So I started to write my feelings out, guitar in hand, and what I came up with was over 10 songs that were my gateway to healing. I wasn't sure if they would go anywhere, until my counselor requested my songs for a woman who lost 4 children. Seeing her reaction to the songs made me realize I couldn't just keep them for myself, other people needed these songs for healing. :)

So here we go. The reasons behind the songs.

1.) The Wall
I wrote "The Wall" in 15 minutes or less in the attic of an old Monastery turned into a retreat center in Cincinnati, Ohio. I was pouring out my heart full of insecurities to God in the form of a song telling Him "I can't do this". Struggling with the crippling depression and unsureness of who I am now, hardened and scarred with losses.. Putting up walls against people and God because of those hurts. As I was writing the song dwelling on the hurt, I got to the 3rd verse that says "There's a love that's opening my eyes, there's a peace that's casting out my fears, there's a joy I cannot hide, when you tell me I can do this, you tell me I can do this!" Then the 2nd chorus says "Cuz you come tell me have faith in what you can't see, when I'm too focused on, the things that try to break me, and you come sweetly and I'm so humbled, oh God you love me, you bring life back to these eyes.." It was like a turning point. Like God was speaking to me personally and shifting the focus in my life back to Him instead of the pain.

2.) Heaven Come Soon
I wrote "Heaven Come Soon" in my favorite writing spot, my attic. I was thinking about a vision I had while in counseling of seeing Lily, my daughter. It was an emotional moment where I saw the most clear picture of her holding the hand of Jesus, when she turned back and waved at me. Her hair was long and blonde and her eyes were bright blue like my sons. (I am crying now just thinking about it!!) The song is all about longing to see her sweet face again, but knowing that I'm caught in the tension of the "now" and the "not yet". The "now" is the waiting, the pain, where death still happens.. The "not yet" is the hope of Jesus making all things new with no more death, tears, pain. Where I'll see Lily and Jesus face to face and things will be made right. It's a hard place to be when you've lost someone, but hopeful because you know this isn't the end. I hesitated putting it on this EP, but decided even though it hurt, it would hopefully help someone who needed it.

3.) Let it Go (The Balloon Song)
I wrote "Let it Go (The Balloon Song)" in my attic also. Actually, a friend of mine was making a video for an organization and asked if I had any instrumental songs she could use. I didn't have any, but I thought I'd give a shot at writing one. :) She wanted it to be hopeful, so I placed my fingers on the strings and started with a very hopeful verse into sort of a pensive chorus, then later went back and recorded some lead parts over the main chords and sent it off. As I started recording this project with Chris Gatton, I told him about the instrumental song and he recorded all the parts on guitar & added some piano. When I heard what he did, I felt really inspired! He told me the song reminded him of a balloon floating away and as the song played through on the speakers, I told him I heard the words "Let it go" then he chimed in with "Time to let it go" and we repeated that back and forth. I'm so glad it morphed into what it is! It is my 1st instrumental song and I'm so glad it's on this EP. It is a good break for the listener to just process and cry or shout or add their own words. :)

4.) Deeper Still
I wrote "Deeper Still" on Easter Sunday (the day we lost our babe) 2 years ago.  I had heard a quote earlier that day by Corrie Ten Boom that says "No matter how deep the pit, God is deeper still." It stuck with me all day. I was at my parents house and my son Trust was taking a nap, so I slipped away to the spare bedroom with my guitar and started to sing. Thinking of God, who He is, as big enough to handle my pain and grief. That no matter how big the pit of grief I had dug myself into, He was big enough to pull me up out of it. To turn my pain around and give me a purpose in that pain. Sure enough, I am seeing that come around.

5.) Hope in a Bottle
I wrote "Hope in a Bottle" in my Kitchen. It gets SUPER hot in my attic in the Summer so my writing/playing space turns into the kitchen during that time of the year. I couldn't come up with the 2nd verse so I had Chris Gatton help me with it, which turned out great because of that. I was thinking about after we lost our baby Lily, a lot of things were unsure. The hope we had of having a child disintegrated, unsure if we could carry a child to term. I had to come to a point of standing on the shoreline of my hopes and fears and give them to God. That I had no control of them, but God did. So the whole song is a picture of me putting my hopes in a bottle and throwing them out to the treacherous waves of the ocean that only God controls, watching helplessly as they go farther out of my reach. Luckily for my, hope of a baby did come back around to me, but it definitely wasn't easy.

Memorial for Grieving Families- November 3rd

A while back, I attended a friend's Memorial Service for the sweet daughter they lost due to fatal abnormalities.. To my amazement, my courageous friend approached me when I walked in and led me over to a memorial tree, where parents who have lost babies could tie a piece of yarn on one of the branches to honor the baby they lost. I was so amazed at the lovely gesture that she would step out of her own pain for a second to recognize my pain of losing a child. I was majorly impacted by that moment.

After the moving Service, I spoke with one of the Pastor's about how our church used to do Memorial Services annually for families who have lost babies in miscarriages, abortions, stillbirths and as infants. He said that he wanted to start doing the services again. My eyes lit up and I said "I want to help make that happen!" I explained that I had been working on a CD with songs to help families walk through the grieving process.. a kind of Soundtrack for healing that I wasn't sure what to do with and that I would love to give them away at the Memorial to the parents. He liked the idea and said he'd be in touch.

A few weeks later, we set a plan in motion to make the Memorial happen.

I am helping with some of the creative aspects of the service + the music and will be giving away CD's of the songs I wrote when me and my husband lost our 1st baby. I am SO honored to be able to provide a beautiful setting for other families to grieve, remember, honor and validate the loss of their sweet little ones. To be able to step out of my pain for a second like my friend did for me and stand beside other families who are in pain.

The Memorial Service will be held at Vineyard Sawmill Campus (6561 Dublin Center Drive, Dublin, OH) on Sunday, November 3rd at 3pm. 

The Memorial Service is for Families who have lost children due to miscarriages, abortions, still births, as infants and small children. All are welcome. Mom's, Dad's, Siblings, Grandparents, Friends.. It's going to be a lovely, well thought out service with readings, a short word from one of the pastors, moving music, a time worship & activities for remembrance & grieving.

Please invite anyone you know who has suffered a loss of a child.

The pic above is some inspirations for the decor for the service.

.......
No matter how many years pass after losing my 1st baby, I still feel an ache, a void. Especially with certain dates and when I see little girls that are the age of what my little girl would be. I never had a memorial for the loss of my baby and I ALWAYS think about that. But now, I get to provide one for other families who may not have had memorials for their babies either and I see the Lords Grace and care for me through planning it.. He has not forgotten my desire to have a memorial for our babe. What a thoughtful God I serve! I am always amazed by His kindness and His attention to detail. Even when I have long forgotten, He never forgets!

Cashier at Target's Story

Me and my son Trust were getting a few things at Target today. We got up to the check out area and I saw an older woman Cashier and something in my head said "Get in her line". I questioned the thought for a second because there were several other lines that were much shorter.. Reason told me, "pick the shorter line" but my gut (probably The Lord) told me to "go in the longer line where the woman was". So I chose the longer line :)

I love making small talk with people at the cash register and I commented how much I love the Dollar section because I found a lot of cute things to give to a family who just lost their baby in still birth. She commented how sweet it was to get the family presents and that it probably meant a lot to them in such a hard time. I told her how awesome of a family they were and that it stinks when bad things happen like that but that I understand how much you need hope in times like that. I went on to share that we named our son Trust because my pregnancy was really bad (and we almost lost him & me) but all we could do was trust God with his life and that God was with us and would bring us through. 

Her eyes filled with tears and she told me how cool that was. She then opened up to me and told me when she was younger, she was pregnant with twins and got in a car accident and lost one of the twins at 25 weeks. I just said "That must have been SO hard, I can't imagine..." She explained that her other baby had a heart defect and had open heart surgery at age 3 and that it was the toughest time of her life. I listened and we both watered up. Her pain was so evident, like it happened just yesterday. My heart broke.

After our talk (and she had rung up all of my items) she came around the counter and hugged me. We stood there hugging and crying together (the people behind us must have thought we were NUTS!).

Before I left I told her "But here is our hope, one day we will see our babies again! God Bless you and thank you for sharing your story with me!" She thanked me and me and my son Trust went on our way.

What a sacred moment in Target with that woman. Her sharing her story with me was so vulnerable and so sweet, I am so thankful for that moment and that I was able to validate her loss. (She kept saying "I was only 25 weeks so it isn't as bad as what most people have to go through.." I told her it is hard no matter how far along you are..)

I explained to Trust in the car what happened with the lady. I told him that she lost her baby in a car crash and that she was sad and we needed to pray for her. He immediately started praying a sweet and honest prayer. "Thank you Jesus for Lady.. Lost baby in crash, not feeling good, please help her." I added more to his prayer and Trust sat quiet for a moment in the back seat. He said "Aww lady sad.." I explained yes it is very sad and that we needed to keep praying for her whenever we thought about her. The rest of the day at random moments I heard "Thank you Jesus for Lady, lost baby in crash, She's feeling sad, help her Jesus."

I love having REAL moments like that with people and being able to talk about everything with my son Trust! I am learning and it is so cool to have Trust learn right along side of me too!

I shared the story with my husband Brett and told him that I love seeing the redemptive work of Jesus happen in our lives. Through all the trials and hard things that have happened, God is able to turn it all around and use it for good.

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:20 <-- This is what I believe for my own life! Satan may have tried to harm me, but God IS using it for good. My suffering wasn't for no reason!! 

****Quick update on the Songs for Healing music project I'm working on! I am recording vocals on 2 songs this Friday. I am hoping to get some video up soon explaining the songs so look out for those coming soon :) 

Breaking the Silence

Did you know 1 in 4 women lose their babies in miscarriages?

When I was pregnant with my 1st baby I was clueless about miscarriage. I told everyone without shame I was pregnant and made plans, had hopes & dreams about what my baby would be like. My plans, hopes & dreams for my precious babe were abruptly haulted when I found out I was miscarrying on Easter Sunday 5 years ago. I was 12 weeks pregnant and my despair swallowed me whole.

I felt so alone....for a while.

Women from church, work, etc came to me with their stories about babies they themselves lost in a miscarriage. I was amazed. Why didn't I know??? Why hadn't someone told me???

 What I sense from many women about miscarriage is the shame of keeping silent, of lessening their grief because they hadn't carried their baby to term, because their loss wasn't as "big" as other people's loss. Most women don't even speak about their pregnancy until they are 12 weeks and "in the clear". I say BREAK THE SILENCE. The more people that know about your baby good or bad the more support you will have in the days ahead. Shout your baby's name from the rooftop if it helps. Your baby has worth no matter how small, he/she has a place in your heart and should be honored for even the short or long time you get to be with him/her.

I know this notion is Taboo in many circles.. It was to me for a while too. I changed my mind when I just couldn't contain my longing and sadness and grief. I wanted someone to know I had a daughter and I was PROUD. I even stood up on Mother's Day at my church right after I miscarried in March to make a statement to myself that I was a Mother. To validate my emotions & say I really was pregnant and really DO have a daughter waiting for me with Jesus when I go to heaven.

Did you know that in October 1988 President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month?

 October 15th specifically is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. On this day women all around the world have memorial ceremonies and light candles for the babies that they have lost. Bringing validation to the life that was lost and a place for parents to grieve because most of the time with losses of babies, memorial services don't happen.

This year on October 15th I want to do a special memorial service at my church and invite anyone who wants to come remember their baby. I have some beautiful illustrations and things the parents can take with them to remember their baby and that their is hope.

Friends, I want you to know it's okay to talk about the baby you lost. Here is the cool thing I want to leave you with.. With Jesus, we don't have to just end at grief, loss & emptiness. With Jesus, the conquerer of death, we will one day meet our babies and all things will be as they should be. Amen.