Heaven Come Soon

This song is a song I wrote as I was grieving the loss of my Baby Lily. I was trapped in the tension of the now (not able to see and hold her or be with her) & the not yet (the hope of being able to see & hold her). Also feeling that gut sense of this is NOT how it's supposed to be. That mother's shouldn't lose their babies, death is such an unfair not natural thing. That it was never supposed to be this way. That God never intended for us to experience death, but the moment sin entered the world through Adam & Eve, death entered as well. God's heart broke & He made a plan to set things straight again by sending HIS son Jesus to pay the penalty that we should have to pay, death, FOR US.

 Until things are truly made right, that tension will always be felt. So as I sing the words "Heaven come soon, cuz this is not our home" it's a realization that this isn't the way it's supposed to be, that earth is not our final destination, that we were made for heaven & the kingdom fully come with no death & tears. The cool thing is we get to play a part in seeing the kingdom come here on earth as it is in heaven, NOW. We have a great hope because of that! That we get to see glimpses of the kingdom now even.

The second verse talks about me getting to see a glimpse of Lily in heaven while I was in a counseling session. I had this beautiful picture of her with beautiful golden blonde hair holding the hand of Jesus. She turned back and waived to me as if to say "I'm ok momma!" She had the brightest blue eyes & she looked SO happy! What a great comfort that was to my heart, that though I can't hold her in my arms, I know Jesus has her!

My precious Grandma Waugh who recently passed away gets to hold her & meet her too! She loves her grandbabies, it's such a cool thought.

So this song is full of longing, but also hope & great assurance that I will see Lily again.

No Timeline on Grief

There is no timeline on grief.

It swings in & out like a pendulum, sweeping in at the most random moments. 

I had a dream the other night that I couldn't shake. I dreamed the tattoo of a Lily I got as a memorial for my daughter Lily we lost on Easter Sunday in 2008, washed off. I saw it happening before my eyes, & I couldn't stop it from washing away. After it was gone I tried to remember what it looked like to replace it. 

I woke up from the dream and looked at my wrist to see if the Lily was still there, it felt so real. 

The next day Trust randomly talked about Lily.  He often does, because he sees my tattoo & asks lots of questions about why I got it & what happened. I share with him openly about everything & he NEVER forgets her. It's almost heart wrenching how he brings her into everything. Like if I say we have 2 kids he always reminds me we have 3, one is just in heaven. 

Recently, a good friend asked me if we were going to have any more kids & time stood still for a second as I said "no", but in my heart it felt like there was a hole, a gap where a third child should be. I told her about Lily. I cried as I told her this loaded answer to a simple question & she cried with me. 

I will never have another child of my own because I get SO sick to the point of almost dying + my recovery takes years. I'm still dealing with terrible thyroid problems from my last pregnancy. So a third baby is definitely not in our future. It's just that awful nagging feeling of what could have been that feels so hard & sad.

I think the thing that breaks my heart the most is seeing how well Trust & my niece Chloe play. They are best friends! I often compare what Lily would be like to Chloe because Lily would be a little older than her. It's hard because Story my youngest is 21 months & Trust loves her, but they don't really interact much because of the huge age gap. He often says, "I wish Lily was here. I'd have someone to play with." I reply through chocked back tears, "I wish that too buddy."

It does get easier in a way.. time does make you forget the sting of death, but the scar is always there, it doesn't ever quite heal fully. 

I love how Trust reminds me so asurredly that we will see her in heaven. Death feels so final, but the hope of what Jesus has accomplished through His death & resurrection so that death wouldn't have the final word, is incredible. My Grandma Waugh is currently in her final days battling stage 4 cancer & it's been so hard. The thing I keep reminding myself is soon, she will get to see her Husband, her her brother, Mother & Father & hold her great grand babies that are in heaven! That thought brings me to tears & one day we'll all be reunited because of what Jesus did! That is SO COOL. The end is not the end, but really a new beginning!

The song "You're Beautiful" is a lovely reminder of this thought. It goes:

"When we arrive at eternity's shore, where death is just a memory & tears are no more, we'll enter in as the wedding bells ring, your bride will come together & we'll sing, You're beautiful."

So as we live in this tension of the now & the not yet, we can be assured, death doesn't have the final say. That one day all will be made right & we can hold the ones we've lost again! 💓

I wrote this song about grief. Corrie Ten Boom had a quote that said "No matter how deep the pit, Gods love is deeper still." No matter where you are in the grief process know God is with you in it! His love is deeper than any pit or place of grief you find yourself in. 

#Momlife is #thegoodlife

The hashtag #Momlife is my go to hashtag these days. Life with 2 kids can be SO crazy & funny & hard & exhausting & lifegiving all in one second. I literally feel like if a reality show was done of my daily "mundane" activities people would be falling over laughing because of how ridiculous things can be at times! 

Examples. (It helps to read these examples like you'd read a Gilmore Girls script, fast & funny)

my 9 month old Story woke up early from a nap & my hair was HALF STRAIGHTENED & I looked a bit like Albert Einstein on the right side of my head. My Albert Eistein geniusness kicked in by placing Story's Bumbo seat on the bathroom counter so she could look at her cute self in the mirror while I frantically finished the other side of my hair before she decided she's done looking at the pretty baby in the mirror & tried to alligator roll out of the Bumbo Seat. Luckily, I was 6 inches away & know the moment was going to happen, because I know her better than she knows herself. Here's some documentation of this cute chaotic moment. For real #momlife

Speaking of the Alligator roll.. Diaper changes aren't like how they teach you in the baby class in the hospital! I don't know if they know this or not, but the baby you take home from the hospital ACTUALLY MOVES. It's more like a sport (a little like wrestling) trying to get them to stay still long enough, to pin them down  to get their diaper on, BEFORE they pee on the carpet. If they pee or get poop on the carpet, they "win the match". I've lost several times on the famous move, "the Aligator Roll". Many active babies know this move well, but my little go-getter has MASTERED the alligator roll. Right when you open up the diaper, if you don't have a toy in her hand or distract her with something shiny, she will roll over from her back to her tummy in t minus 2 seconds. Especially on longer clean ups like poops, GAME OVER. The Aligator Roll wins!

Another #momlife moment that will make you laugh & maybe cringe happens right after you've had your morning coffee & you gotta go to the bathroom. (You know what I'm talking about..) Anyways, so you feel the rumbly in the tumbly & have to take your little one with you so that she doesn't hurt herself or eat something while you are gone for 5 minutes. In those 5 minutes, several comedy sketch possibilities unfold before your eyes. Your babe pulls herself up on the tub & almost slips on the bath rug, starts flailing around & you catch her in the nick of time before she seriously hurts herself on the tub (how do babies make it through everyday & live?!?!). After that near catastrophe she locks onto this amazing toilet scrubbing contraption in behind the toilet & makes a crawling dash toward it. You are sitting there holding her face, her fingertips just out of reach of the beloved germ-covered trophy, she cries & whines & kicks because she wants it so bad. Then, something else amazing grabs her attention. Long, white, flowing toilet paper hanging from above.. She grabs a handful & goes to put it in her mouth, but You intercept it before she eats it. More crying (from her & almost from you because this feels like the hardest bathroom trip of your life). You go to pull up your pants & flush the toilet & she pulls herself up on the yucky, germy toilet, ready to touch the water, but you are too fast for her. You are a ninja. You know what she is thinking in that maniacal baby brain of hers. You go to wash your hands & hold all the drawers on the vanity shut with your left foot balancing on the other trying not to topple over because she is trying to open the drawers & nearly pinched her finders. You get done with all of that & realize she also went poop. [insert all the sad/frustrated/determined emoji faces] 

Laundry is so funny also! -- Barricades. To fight the laundry battle & win, barricades are necessary. Before I knew my little princess was more like a dragon & wanted to take down my laundry towers, I folded laundry out in the open. Not anymore! I protect my laundry with any sort of barricade. If not, She'll tear up my piles in seconds & pull any carefully folded articles of clothing out of any accessible laundry basket. 

Another entertaining moment in motherhood is the shopping trip to Target when you tell your little prince he can't have the 99 cent hot wheel car because he already has 500 (or so) at home that he doesn't play with. The negotiations start painlessly enough, with the occasional foot stop, huff & puff combo, then things start to escalate and he throws himself on the floor and cries because he "never gets anything". People around start to stare but you press through. You remind him about the 500 cars he has at home & he continues on saying "but I don't have THIS one". At the same moment the baby is melting down because you won't let her chew on the cart handle & a memory pops in your head. "Actually we do have that one at home!" Your little prince studies the car again, shrugs & says "oh" and puts it back like NOTHING CRAZY HAPPENED. You dodged a 99 cent bullet, this time.

These little professional mischief makers are my treasures. I joke at how hard menial tasks can be with my little rascals around, but I wouldn't want to trade it for anything! The wet, slobbery open mouthed kisses & the "mommy, I love you so much, you're the best mommy" make #momlife the #goodlife . 

Moms, I salute you. This is no easy task raising human beings! It takes massive amounts of patience, extravagant love & can some days cost you your sanity. Remember on those sanity costing days, you are not alone. There are millions of other momma's defending their laundry towers & feel alone in the fight. You are remarkable for all you do, are & sacrifice to make sure those professional mischief makers grow to be less professional mischief makers & more productive adults! 

The long awaited birth of Story Joy

This pregnancy has been one of the hardest things I've ever been through. Battling Hyperemesis Gravidarum (extreme nausea & vomiting), heart issues, sciatica, frequent hospital visits, dehydration, all while chasing around a preschooler & trying to maintain some sort of normal in my life, yeah hard!

Yet, even with all the pain & suffering I've endured, as my induction date got closer the anticipation & excitement of meeting our daughter sat in the forefront of my mind. I couldn't wait! She is what I'd been fighting for. 

We counted down the days, hours & minutes to meet our Story Joy & on Monday morning at 10:30am we headed to Riverside Hospital to get ready to be induced at 11am. 

Being induced was uncharted territory for me. In fact a "normal" delivery was like a foreign concept I couldn't even wrap my mind around. BUT I kept my mind positive & didn't dwell on the horrors that haunted my mind of my last delivery with my son, Trust. My husband on the other hand was quiet as a mouse on the drive. I asked him if he was ok & he was honest that he was scared & I told him I was scared too. We prayed & continued on in silence, listening to Mumford & Sons.

We arrived a few minutes early to the hospital & got all set up in our room & met our nurse Carlene, who would be our nurse the whole time, which set my mind at ease. She was an older lady who had been helping deliver babies for 25 years. She was just the person I needed in the room & was very kind & reassuring. I love that we chatted about life the whole time I was being checked in, it made what was ahead not be so much in the forefront of my mind.

My mom arrived shortly after I was hooked up to Antibiotics for Strep B (the bacteria that can be transferred to your baby during delivery) & around 12pm Carlene started the labor inducing drug Pitocin. My contractions were picking up & things were moving along & at 2pm they broke my water with what looked like a crochet needle (but was painless). 

My photographer friend Rachel came shortly after that & started snapping moments & we talked about adventures & marriage & it helped having good people with me distracting me from the pain. After they broke my water, my contractions went from achy to strong & fierce. We'd be talking & all of a sudden I'd grab my husband Brett's hand & grip it so tightly he'd lose circulation in it! Contractions are funny that way... You feel fine one minute, then the next you are climbing this mountain of intense pain. During those moments of contracting, I'd fix my eyes on the clock or a specific point in the room & almost blank out. 

My pain level was getting crazy & my contractions were VERY close together. The Pitocin was doing a fine job of ripening my cervix & moving things along!  As the next contraction came & went I asked Carlene, "ummm sooooo, when was the epidural thing gonna happen??" Shortly after that, around 4pm, the anesthesiologist came in & during a very strong contraction, gave me the epidural. 

The epidural helped in many ways. #1 it helped me relax & took away most of the pain during contractions & #2 it sped things along quicker than we were all ready for!!!! Here's where things get exciting...

At 5 o'clock my mom went down to the cafeteria to get everyone some food. (Except me of course) When she came back she had a box of Chinese food that was smelly & I immediately felt sick & said "you can't eat that in here!!" Shortly after that my contraction pain changed to crazy amounts of pressure that was painful & felt like I needed to push. I turned to the nurse & said "uh, I'm feeling very pressure-y... I think it's almost time!" Charlene was busy setting everything up for the delivery & stopped & called my doctor. To our surprise, my doctor was delivering another baby right down the hall, and at that point I was 10 cm dilated & I couldn't "hold it" anymore. Charlene coached me to pant & told me not to push & I grabbed my husband & moaned through the urge & pain of wanting to push. A few minutes passed & I said "Charlene, I can't do it!!!!" She called the resident doctor & I prayed out loud "God please let Dr Cacchio get here! Please God!!" After what seemed like hours, but was only actually 10-15 minutes, Dr Cacchio flies in the room & asks "are we ready to have this baby?!" She reassures me, "it's going to be great. It's not going to be like last time.. We aren't going to use forecepts.. Recovery will be better.." 

The "1st contraction hit" & Dr Cacchio asks "are we ready to push?!" I said "YES!" But as I was pushing, I felt like I completely forgot everything about birthing a baby! The nurse quickly coached me to hold behind my legs, take a couple deep breaths & push with my chin to your chest & hold your breath as you push. The first push Dr Cacchio excitedly says "oh I see some hair!!" Hearing that gave me some motivation for the next contraction & I told the nurses "I forget what to do!!" And they coached me through pushing again & I screamed because it hurt so bad & the pressure was crazy & the doctor reassured me, "She'll be out on the next one!!" My 3rd & final push I pushed with all my might & screamed as I felt the doctor pull her out & I saw her lift Story up and Story immediately screamed "waaahhhh wahhhh waaahhhh!!" 

Everyone in the room cried tears of joy & relief!!! They immediately put Story up on my chest & I wept, tears rolling like rain down my cheeks. She was still wailing but as I began to talk to her & tell her "it's okay, it's alright, momma's here" she immediately stopped crying, lifted her head up & looked up me! Nothing in the world compared to the pure rapture of that moment. I was able to kangaroo with her for an hour! 

It was an exhilarating, emotional, redemptive experience. Night and Day compared the the horrific birth
experience I had with my son Trust. I am truly grateful to have a happy experience to reference now, not just traumatic. 

Getting to know Story these past couple days has been so wonderful. She is delightful, content, quiet & so sweet! We are head over heels for her & are excited for this new chapter in our family's story. :)

Watch the amazing/emotional video slide show that Rachel Baransi made of the photos she took of Story's birth here:

https://vimeo.com/125292284

The Finish Line in Sight

This pregnancy has been the longest, hardest road I've ever had to walk down. Complications with Extreme Nausea & vomiting (Hyperemesis Gravdidarum), dehydration, weight loss, heart problems, crippling sciatic nerve pain & emotional upheaval.

  As I look back, I wonder, "How did I get so far?!" I'm 37 weeks pregnant & at my last OBGYN appointment my cervix was already 2cm dilated & 50% effaced. I think when my doctor told me that, something clicked in my head "I'm almost to the finish line! I get to hold my baby girl so very soon. The suffering is almost over!" I don't think I've really thought about how close I am because I've just been trying to take things one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. The greatest thing is knowing there is an end date for sure. No matter what I'll be induced on April 13th, but I'm hoping she comes sooner!!! The hope of the finish line pulls my focus away from all that I've been through behind me, to the joy that is coming ahead of me. I couldn't have gotten this far without the many prayers, support & love of my family, friends & church community! They have carried me most of this race, and couldn't finish this race without them!

Here is a video I made of my journey through pregnancy! Click on the YouTube link to watch it: http://youtu.be/1gn6sTd3cpI

The Heart of the Matter

A few weeks ago I found myself in the hospital for the 5th time.

I had been feeling increasingly short of breath & had an episode of walking through our church where I was gasping for air, had painful Braxton Hicks Contractions, felt like I was going to pass out & my heart was racing like I had run a marathon. I tried to blame normal pregnancy breathlessness, but that night while I was getting my PJ's on, I found myself gasping for air, head pounding & spinning & my arms & legs felt heavy. I checked my blood pressure & it was 122/84 higher than my usual low 110/? Range. I knew something wasn't right. I woke up the next morning feeling swollen & knew I needed to call my doctor. 

I talked to the nurse, & she told me to go into the hospital to get checked out. I cried when I got off the phone & talked to my husband Brett. I just couldn't handle going to the hospital one more time. 

When I got to the ER they looked at me (and my big belly) and asked how many weeks I was and sent me up to Labor & Delivery. 

In the triage area in labor and delivery they monitored my heart beat, took my blood pressure & did an EKG. Everything looked good enough & they sent me home & told me to follow up with my doctor to get an Echocardiogram (ultrasound) on my heart that week.

 I went into my doctor and I explained to her what I was feeling and she agreed I needed to get an echocardiogram because of my history with Cardiomyopathy & congestive heart failure from preeclampsia during my last pregnancy. They also tested my hemoglobin levels in case my iron was low, but everything looked good. She also mentioned watching my blood pressure closely & testing my blood for signs of preeclampsia in the coming weeks to make sure we are ahead of any possible problems.

That very same week I got my echocardiogram & the next Monday I saw my doctor & she told me the results. They came back as Mildly Low Ejection Fraction (heart is not pumping out blood to full capacity that your body needs) in my Left Ventricle, something to be aware of and watch, but not serious yet. That the stress of pregnancy is a lot on the heart & She urged me to take it SLOW the next couple weeks. I'll probably need to see a cardiologist after pregnancy just to make sure everything is still ok. I had to do that last pregnancy too when I had Cardiomyopathy. (Swelling and some damage to the heart) She just urged me to take it very slow and to monitor my heart rate and symptoms closely. She also told me that she'll probably induce me a week early, on April 13th to make sure she isn't too big & that I don't get preeclampsia like last time.

That same week I was experiencing CRIPPLING pain in my lower back and hips. One night my sweet husband had to almost carry me to the bathroom I was in so much pain. My hip kept giving out and I almost fell a couple of times. I cried the pain was so bad! 

I called my doctors office AGAIN and the nurse urged me to see a chiropractor that works a lot with pregnant women. I called the Chiropractor James Schramm and they were able to get me in THAT DAY. I was relived to say the least. He told me my hip was tightly pinching my sciatic nerve and after that 1st adjustment I already felt LOADS better! I actually slept through the night which was a miracle in itself. 

I've also had increasing Braxton Hicks Contractions that have been more intense and painful. One night I had 20+ contractions in 5-7 minute waves for 2 hours, that I swore I was going to have to go to the hospital. I drank 2 cans of carbonated water (my safe beverage) and laid on my left side and they started spacing out and calming down, luckily! I called my doctor and talked to the nurse again (they know me so well by now!! Haha!) and told her what had happened and she told me "if you are having more than 5 contractions an hour that don't go away when you drink and lay down, that you could be in labor." I told her I drank fluids and laid down and they went away & she told me to be careful and try to stay more hydrated. I told her it has been a struggle staying hydrated (b/c of nausea) but I've been pushing through it! Those contraction episodes have happened a couple of times, so I know my body is getting ready for the "big event", which is exciting, BUT I've got to keep her in there a little longer :)

It feels like there is a new mountain to climb every week (sometimes 2 or 3) but I know once I see that sweet baby girls face I will look back on everything and say "it was all worth it"!

Her "story" is certainly not boring one!

Pregnancy Joy's, conquering Fears & Struggles

My Hyperemesis Gravidarum symptoms have calmed down a bit, even though 1st thing in the morning I'm still gagging and throwing up most of the time & right before bed nausea keeps me awake!! BUT I am SO far from where I was. I'm able to do small things like move around, make food, take a shower, do tasks around the house, & more when a month or so ago I wouldn't be able to do any of those things without it ending in a vomiting fit. I'm still having trouble drinking straight water (makes me super nauseated!) so I've been drinking Carbonated waters, koolaide & chomping on ice like nobody's business! Haha!! Dehydration still creeps up on me because I just have trouble drinking a lot and even landed in the hospital after a fainting spell & heart palpitations from dehydration. It's a tricky balancing act, but at least I'm not vomiting a ton too! 

Even though I'm feeling better as far as HG goes, I have to remind myself to take it easy. After soooo long of not being able to do literally anything, I find myself trying to make up for so much lost time. I feel bad for all the pressure that was on my husband when I was down and out and have made sure to stay on top of house work, but realize my limitations also. A funny realization I've come to is I can't "fit" into our laundry room anymore! Haha! Like literally can't fit! It makes me laugh and feel grateful for my growing belly :) 

My nesting instinct is kicking into high gear too. Like I said after so long of being so sick, my motivation to get things done to get ready for Story is high!! We are getting her nursery in order, collecting diapers, organizing, getting rid of things and making space in our hearts & home for our new arrival. I am sooo excited!

I also have been trying to face some fears moving into the final days of pregnancy. I only have like 13 weeks left!!! Trying not to compare this pregnancy to my last.. 

For instance, last week I had some swelling in my feet and hands and immediately my mind jumped to last pregnancy when I had undiagnosed preeclampsia that turned almost deadly after I delivered my son, causing congestive heart failure and pulmonary failure from all the fluid around my heart and lungs. I panicked because one of my feet was completely numb on top, but then realized I needed to drink more fluids to get the excess fluid out of my system. And sure enough, the swelling went down within two days after drinking more. Like I said drinking liquids is still a struggle, but I've been trying to press through!

Another fear of mine that is mounting is delivery. I had such a traumatic delivery with my son Trust (everything that could go wrong did + years of recovery from the aftermath) that I wish I could just be knocked out and not have to experience any of it again. But I know Story has to come out one way or another which means staring my fear straight in the face, clinging onto the hope & joy of the end product, that sweet baby Girl I'm stir-crazy to meet!! You do crazy things for the people you love, and I love this girl more than any fear I could have. I know it's gonna be a struggle and I'm really grateful for the prayer & counseling I've been getting leading up to labor & delivery! Seriously, it'll be Jesus and Jesus strength alone that allows me to face the fears I have. But I know He is with me in this!! He's brought me this far and has given me joy and trust even in the darkest of moments. 

I talked to my doctor about my fears and she was VERY reassuring and is going to be on top of the possibility of preeclampsia and may also induce me early so that she won't be so big when I go to deliver. My son Trust was 2 weeks late and was GINORMOUS. She said she'll watch me closely the last few weeks leading up to delivery to stop any problems from happening again. So good to have a reassuring voice in this process!

On a happier note, I've been well enough to play music again. I hadn't touched my guitar in 6 months & got to play a Christmas house show with a Nashville singer/songwriter & harpist Timbre. It felt SO GOOD to be there and to play music again. I even led worship at the mom's group I'm apart of, leading worship at Fusion youth group & have 2 shows at the end of the month! It's good to be back in the saddle a bit. :)

Story of Joy

This being our 2nd pregnancy with Hyperemesis Gravidarum, we had an opportunity to 1.) Be depressed, give up, push God away & be bitter OR 2.) Find the good, be thankful, and press into Jesus & Trust Him even when we walk through "the valley".

Unfortunately, with my last pregnancy with our son Trust, I chose option #1 most of the time. I was SO afraid after losing our 1st baby a year and a half earlier, that the same thing would happen again, PLUS I had NO idea what was happening to my body. Light, sound, movement, smells anything and everything made me throw up. Even something touching my mouth made me vomit. I felt like I was being tortured. Minute by minute, second by second. I couldn't even sleep through the intense nausea. The only thing I could do was sing worship songs in my head because even the TV made me sick. It was the loneliest, darkest time of my life and I isolated myself. I gave up hope, I felt angry that God wouldn't take my suffering no matter how much I begged and pleaded. I became bitter at Him, I needed someone to blame for my pain, and He graciously took on my blame shifting and loved me through it. 

It took many months of counseling to realize God wasn't punishing me or wanting this to happen to me.. That my life & my son Trust's life was so valuable that the Enemy was hard pressed to try to steal, kill and destroy me and this precious babe. God showed me that despite these horrible things happening to me, He was DOING something, in me. Turning around the awful plans of the Enemy to harm me, and turning it around for His good. 

Hindsight is always 20/20. The verse I cling to now in ..James 1:2-3 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." Was not even a thought in my mind, but holds SO true if you really press into the hard thing you are facing. You won't be the same on the other side of the hardship for good or for bad if you stare it straight in the face. 

Which leads me to this pregnancy and choosing option #2. 

Looking down at the pregnancy test and seeing PREGNANT in that small window, made my world stand still for a moment. Remembering the pain and suffering and how I weathered it less than gracefully before. After finding out I was pregnant, I laid in bed depressed for a week. Fears creeped in my mind and I let them stay for a few days. Then one day, I got up out of bed ready to FIGHT. I prayed and asked God to strengthen me and thanked Him for this second chance to do things differently, PLUS blessing us with another child we thought we'd never have. For SOME REASON, beyond myself, I was able to get up and see things from a whole new perspective. This was my second chance. 

Psalm 40:2-3 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,out of the mud and mire;he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth,a hymn of praise to our God.Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him. 

I was out of the pit for a second, but knew the battle ahead would try to swallow me back up again. I had to rely on Gods strength and Trust Him through the battle, knowing He'd get us though it. 

The battle plan was simple. I knew I couldn't do this on my own strengths. I needed God to strengthen me daily & I couldn't isolate myself like I did before, I needed the prayers, support & help of others. 

After a vomiting fit I'd pray "God give me strength, help!" Then eat a bit, and throw up again. I was determined to fight and not give in. He has been my ROCK a solid place to stand on shaky ground.

We set up a support system of friends, family and our beloved church community to help with my son Trust, they would bring us meals, pray for us, help around the house etc... I reached out instead of trying to do everything on my own, and the difference between last pregnancy and this pregnancy is NIGHT and DAY. 

Don't get me wrong here, my Hyperemesis Gravidarum has been JUST as severe if not worse, landing me in the hospital 2 times + I still had to be on the Zofran pump and many more horrible things BUT the thing that has changed is ME. My mental state & my Trust in The Lord. I think that going through the last pregnancy really built that foundation for me to be where I am now. That my pain & suffering wasn't for no reason, it was just another piece to this Story God is weaving through our lives. And He is using the Stories of our kids!!

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2 days ago we got to see our sweet babe on the Ultrasound and found out we are having a GIRL!!! Like our son Trust, we decided to name her through what we feel like God is showing us or teaching us as a reminder for the rest of her life. We chose the name Story Joy. We really feel like this girl does and is going to have an amazing testimony & story to tell! She has also taught us to have Joy, not just surfacey happiness in even the toughest of circumstances and her life alone brings us such JOY! We feel so excited and loved seeing her during the ultrasound!

We have SO much to be Thankful for this Thanksgiving. Plus, I am pretty grateful I'll actually be able to eat and enjoy food!!! 😊

A week of 1sts

I'm almost 18 weeks pregnant & the effects of Hyperemesis Gravidarum are starting to wear off a bit, although a bit of nausea will probably stay with me my entire pregnancy. 

I've been having some good days full of 1sts this pregnancy! 

I went to church for the 1st time two weeks ago. I wasn't able to sing during worship because I would start gagging (which is hard for me!!), but man, it was SO good for my heart! The week I happened to come to church was the same week that the Kids ministry, Middle School & High School Ministry's were leading worship!! My husband is the Middle School Youth Pastor at our church, so I have a special place in my heart for those kids! I found myself in tears feeling so thankful to be able to be back at church + the fact our kids were leading, it was just such a sweet moment! I got TONS of hugs and smiles and it just felt good to be out in the world again. Some youth saw me in the cafe and asked if they could pray for me, I loved their prayers!! 

I went to the grocery for the 1st time this past Sunday. Me and my son Trust went to our favorite grocery store, Trader Joes! I told Trust he had two rules: To find the Turtle (the one they hide in the store & if a kid finds it they get a sucker!) and To stay with me. He followed both rules great! He was a HUGE helper and I gave him tasks to find certain foods. He also found a Turkey and we weren't sure if he was on display or if he was replacing the turtle so we took it over to where you get the sucker. We asked the Trader Joes employee and he said "yes that is who you are supposed to find! The turtle is on vacation" it was soo cute. He felt very proud of himself!

When we were finally ready to cash out, we told the cashier Tim we found the Turkey! Tim asked Trust "Are you going to be a big Brother soon?" Looking at my blossoming tummy & my pump slung over my shoulder. Trust replied "YES!" And I continued to tell him that this was my very 1st trip to the grocery store since being pregnant for 4 1/2 months and that I have been very sick and in and out of the hospital. He said "oh wow! Congrats on being up and about!" & told me he understands and has 3 kiddos of his own. In the middle of ringing up our items he waved to an employee and whispered something to him. The employee came back with a bouquet of fall flowers WITH 2 pink & white Lilies in them (we named our 1st babe that we lost on Easter Lily & I have a pink & white Lily tattoo!) and he handed them to me and said "I'm glad you're up and about and I hope you continue to get better!" I nearly burst into tears and said "Thank you! This means so much to me right now!" I just feel like every step I take, Jesus is using people to show me His GREAT love and that He SEES me in this time. 

I picked Trust up from Preschool for the 1st time ever! I had never even been to his preschool before that day because he started right when things were going down hill for me. When I peeked my head in the room he said "mommy? Mommy!!!!! I didn't know you were picking me up today! Do you want to see my cubby?!" He felt happy and proud to show me his class. It was so nice!

I bought my 1st baby purchase! A fox lovey, a diaper changing pad & some curtains! 

Me and my Son Trust went out together for a "Date" for the 1st time yesterday. Before getting SO sick me and Trust went on TONS of adventures. We would go on dates and sit in Starbucks and just talk about Legos while he'd munch on Chips & sip apple juice. But a lot has changed and it has been VERY hard on him. He would ask me "Do you still love me? Will you be sick forever? Are you going to die?" I did my best to reassure him I would only be sick for a little while and that my love would never change for him. So yesterday was a very emotional 1st for us!! 

We went to Blue Star Barbershop and Got his hair cut (the 1st time in 6 months!) which he LOVES to do. He feels very grown up and cool when he gets his hair cut at the Barbershop + the lady Stacey who cuts his hair has kids and does so well asking him questions and keeping him happy. 

After the Barbershop Trust asked if we could go to the mall and play on the play place (it was freezing that day!) so I told him absolutely even though by that time I was starting to get epically nauseated. I told him we'd have to get a snack through Starbucks before we went and he was happy! 

My sister & nieces met us at the Playplace at the mall & Trust ran over to me with the biggest smile on his face he said "mommy this is the best day ever!!" What was a seemingly normal day for us in the past had turned into "The best day ever" because of the horrible circumstances that kept us from doing happy normal things together. I almost burst into tears I felt so happy he was happy. 

I am seeing life so differently these days. We really do take for granted! Being on deaths door can do one of two things to you: 1.) make you bitter or 2.) Make you better.  I honestly feel like I am better for everything I am going through and cherish life so much more!

OH I have one more first! I felt babe move in my tummy for the first time 5 or so days ago and constantly since! I was starting to worry since I was approaching 18 weeks and hadn't felt anything, but now I feel him/her moving lots! We also have our next ultrasound in a little over a week. I am dying to know what our baby's gender is and to put a name to this sweet one! 

I am definitely discovering that I can't do as much as I want to do, but that is ok! I am SO much farther than were I was just 2 weeks ago when I couldn't even move without being super sick. I am taking every day as it comes and realizing every moment is a gift. I am so thankful this thanksgiving season and I am looking forward to learning more and more through this process! 

A Happy Birthday

Yesterday was my 28th Birthday. It was a beautiful, Autumn day and such a gift. My husband got me my favorite flowers, Orchids & gift cards to Target (my fave store) & iTunes! 

 I wasn't expecting to feel well enough to do anything, but got a shower & put on makeup for the 1st time in over 3 months to go to my Doctors appointment. I even wore real pants! 😄

At my doctors appointment we heard our sweet babes heart beat, beating strong and steady. My son Trust said "it sounds like a storm!" My doctor told me she could probably start seeing me every other week now since I am finally gaining some weight instead of losing and a little more stable. She also talked about weaning me off my pump in a few weeks which I told her scared me, but also was exciting at the same time. She said that fear is totally understandable with all I e been through. She also shared that in 4 weeks we get to do the ultrasound to check to see if the baby is developing normally and to find out if it's a boy or girl. I smiled really big because I've been counting down the days until we get to find out. You see, instead of feeling joy about pregnancy I've felt more like I am terminally ill. I think actually seeing our baby and putting a name to him/her will really make things seem more real. Trust thinks it's a girl and I'm thinking it's probably a boy, who knows! It's so fun!

After our appointment I still felt pretty good, so Brett suggested we go to Northstar (my all time favorite resturant) and celebrate! I told trust I wanted to go there earlier that morning and when we got to Northstar Trust said "Mommy you got your wish!" We sat outside to enjoy the weather as Me and Brett shared a chopped salad & trust devoured his kid budah bowl. I felt so happy to be out in the world. I told Brett it's been so long being out and about my senses felt overloaded! Every noise and smell and people moving was a lot for my hermit body to process. We took our time eating and I sat still, making sure none of what I just ate would come back up. 

After we ate, Trust pointed over to Jeni's Icecream and said "mom! you got your wish, my wish is some Icecream!" I laughed and said "why not!" So Trust and Brett got some sorbet & ice cream as we sat outside again enjoying the beautiful weather. 

We decided to try to go to Innis Woods (my favorite park!) because they have wheelchairs at the front so Brett could wheel me around. My sweet husband wheeled me around the entire park and I breathed deep and took in the beautiful fall scenery. I told Brett "I feel happy, like genuine happiness!" It was good medicine for the soul. Brett also snapped a few pics since he knows I love fall family photos, but we couldn't do it this year.

Later we went to my sisters house and met up with her and my parents and we ate potato soup & grilled cheese + cake! It was so nice to be present for the festivities instead of locked away in a room in silence. 

I'm honestly not sure what happened yesterday. I'm pretty sure yesterday was my Birthday Present from God. It was such a happy birthday and I'm so glad to have the friends and family I have. I am feeling very grateful these days.

Real Life- Eclipsed by Grace

These past 15 weeks have been some of the worst of my life. How can this be my real life? The nightmare I experienced with Hyperemesis Gravidarum robbed my first pregnancy & is at it again. 

I held back tears tonight knowing crying would make me throw up, mourning the fact I will never have a "normal pregnancy". Jesus met me in that realization and I thought of all of my sufferings. I said "God I can't candy coat this, this is what I'm going through" and laid it out.. 

Pregnancy glow? Try ghost white, drained face, with blood shot veins in my eyes, not to mention the acne taking over my body. I feel hideous.

My hair is in knots, matted from not shower for days. Risking a trip to the shower is not worth the breathlessness and boughts of uncontrollable vomiting that follow shortly after from doing too much. I should just shave my head. I feel more like a cancer patient going through rigorous chemo treatments. I would fit in better with them and probably be more understood.

I brushed my teeth for the first time in days. I used my sons toothpaste, it's milder than the extreme minty flavor of our adult toothpaste. I gently TRY to brush my tongue and start heaving into the sink.

The nausea never lets up. It won't leave me alone, not even with the cocktail of meds and the medicine pump I stick in my stomach every day. It won't let up even for a moment. IF I can fall asleep it helps for a while, but my nightly bathroom trip wrecks that. Even in my dreams I am nauseated and I'm dreaming more these days than Inception.

My stomach is bloated, crampy and hard as a rock. I know I look 6 months pregnant, but that is just my bowels pertruding out of my abdomen from the extreme constipation from the meds I am taking + pregnancy hormones. I am scared every bowel movement. The pain is so bad, I scream & cry to the point of almost passing out. 

I'm dehydrated but can't drink more than a few sips at a time. My mouth feels like I've been wandering a desert, but I haven't left my room. Food. I can't even write about food.. I hate it right now, though I know I need it. I stubbornly eat, knowing it may not stay down no matter my strong will.

I'm alone, isolated, I haven't left my house in months except for doctors appointments and trips to the hospital. I'm afraid to engage real life again. I've been through too much, it's seems impossible to reengage. 

I laid it out raw style. I knew He already knew, but I wanted to tell Him as his Daughter. A real moment. 

This is real life. Real life is ugly, raw, and hard. That is ok. You aren't weak or bad for experiencing "hard things" it's apart of life. It makes up our story. My seemingly microscopic faith gets tested daily. Sometimes I pass, sometimes I fail. It is hard to live in this tension between the Now (hard, painful stuff) and the Not Yet (when Gods kingdom breaks in & makes all things right & good). I feel the tension daily. But man do I see glimpses of the "Not Yet" that just utterly amaze me through it all. Especially when held up in front of the hard things I'm experiencing and I see an eclipse of Gods Grace, it's a beautiful sight. Only God could make my mess into a message of Hope & Grace. I'd be a lost cause without His redemption!

I've been keeping a list of all the ways people have helped us and huge ways God has provided for us (like our AC/heat getting repaired for free & my medicine pump being completely covered by insurance). The list is SO LONG like over 100 things. It's that grace eclipse held up in front of all of the suffering. What do I have to fear? Is my God not with me?! He IS ever present in times of need. My eyes get hazy sometimes and I forget. I'm so glad I have that written list. Because the road is long and we DO forget over and over the ways God has come through for us. I encourage you, Trust. When it's hard, when you want to quit, Trust The Lord is with you. Not in a Chistian way that becomes religious, but really in those REAL moments, when no one is watching, just you and Jesus. Have those hard convos. Be raw, be real. It's life changing stuff!

The Valleys and Hills of HG

The Valleys and Hills of Hyperemesis Gravidarum are treacherous. 

Last week I was in an incredible Valley. I was unable to move without throwing up, seeing a number on the scale that should be creeping up, but instead watching it plummet down. Constipation so bad I am crying because I feel like I'm passing boulders + the cramping makes me throw up.. Battle wounds, like mougles on my stomach from the many sites where my husband sticks me with a needle that is connected to the pump that continuously gives me medicine. My doctor told me if I continued on this path, I would be admitted to the hospital this week because I am already on the pump "The Big Guns" as he called it, and not doing well. He prescribed me ANOTHER medicine to try Diclegis to see if it would help and had me schedule an appointment with him the following week to see if I needed admitted to the hospital. 

My doctor gave me IV fluids in the office that day to get me through the day. The nurse had trouble finding my veins because of the dehydration and the only thing I ate that day was a small bag of potato chips. I tried not to cry as the bag of fluids got into my system.. 

The picture Above is only 2 days in with the pump. The sites are super painful and itchy. I am almost 2 weeks in now, so picture this only x4! 

We reevaluated our lives again and we decided I absolutely could NOT take care of Trust without full time support. Every time I got up to get Trust a drink or snack I ended up throwing up and got worse as the week wore on. I couldn't do another week like that without being in serious trouble.

My family were on vacation, sick or couldn't help, so we tapped into our amazing community of friends to help us out. Trust had so much fun and I was able to stay put and keep food down, FINALLY!

 I am now climbing the hill out of the valley. I had my weekly check in with my doctor to follow my progress and he looked at me and said you look much better! I told him I felt a lot better and took his advice to get help and stay still all week and it really helped. He told me to keep on this progress and to come back next week to make sure I don't sink back into another valley. He also suggested I take a motion sickness medication to see if it would help me get around better. 

The hardest thing about HG is the constant ups and downs. From one moment to the next it feels like things are getting better then the next I'm crying over my puke bucket, unable to breathe from violent boughts of vomiting. 

I'm struggling hard with the isolation of this condition as well. Although I want to see and talk to people, I literally can't talk on the phone or to people in person without feeling like I am going to throw up. Plus it's very embarrassing to throw up in front of people especially if it's a really intense moment where I throw up so violently I pee my pants. Yeah, I know ugly, right? 

It took me a LONG time after having Trust last time before I could reengage with people again. Plus, when you are going through something so hard and severe it is hard to relate to people or to not feel like a weird-o. 

I'm really being honest here! I know that it's not all for nothing. I see that even now.. This week alone I've heard from 5 momma's with HG & severe morning sickness that have told me "because of your honesty, It makes me realize I'm not alone!" To me, just knowing that I'm not the only one, that I'm not weird or whatever gives me so much hope to press forward. PLUS! There is an amazing gift at the end of all of this.. A Sweet, beautiful baby!!! Holding fast to Hope even amidst such suffering is all we can do in the meantime. 

The Pump.

After an emergency doctor appointment at my doctors office + getting fluids in the office, they decided the next step to treat the Hyperemesis Gravidarum was the Zofran Medicine Pump & home care. 

My Homecare nurse came by the next day with the pump and gave me a very thorough run through of how it works. I had the Zofran Pump with my last pregnancy, but I was SO AFRAID of it that I hardly retained much when the nurse showed me how to use it. This time around it was no big deal and I remembered a lot of the info from before. Last time, I was also REALLY scared to poke myself with the needle anywhere but my legs, but this time I tried my stomach (I hear it isn't as painful as the legs). The nurse also gave me an extra shot of Zofran to get me at a good place so I felt better. I felt "good" for a while with the extra shot and I was even able to play the board game LIFE with my son. It was a bright spot in a lot of dark days. He was so happy I was playing with him!

I've been having troubles adjusting to having a tube attached to me, and when I got up, I pulled it right off! My son Trust has also been a little afraid to sit next to me. He is afraid the pump is going to poke him or that he was going to hurt me! I assured him that he wouldn't get hurt and we read the book 'Mamma has Hyperemesis Gravidarum (but only for a while)' and talked about everything. He is still not sure about it but I assured him the Pump was helping mama! 

Sleeping was also an adjustment. I felt nervous turning over with the tubes attached and the site was getting sore. The Pump went off at 7:30am telling us to change the syringe and when I sat up I started dry heaving. I had Brett get everything I needed to change it and a muffin.  :)

I am still struggling to drink and eat today.  Every time I get up I'm retching and so sick. I have hope that the pump will help, and at least I don't have to take medicine by mouth, but I'm nervous it won't work and I'll just keep being miserable. Time will tell! 

13 weeks, emergency doc visit

Before pregnancy and during pregnancy picture 😳

The past week or so I've tried really hard to manage my HG (Hyperemesis Gravidarum) on my own and this morning after a vomiting fit, I decided I needed help. I called the nurse line at my doctors office and explained that it was like my meds just stopped working because I was vomiting and SUPER nauseated no matter what. She scheduled me an emergency Doctor appointment, and the doctor suggested a few things and I told him I had already tried everything. I knew what was next, The Zofran Pump. I had the Zofran pump with my last HG pregnancy with my son and although it helps, it HURTS, is super expensive, and home care nurses monitor you with it. You literally stick it into your leg or stomach (yourself or with help from a family member), it sucks and is awesome at the same time. I told him I was familiar with the Zofran pump and was willing to give it a shot. 

He also suggested I get hooked up to an IV for fluids in the office, so the nurse guided me back to the room. I was trying everything within me to not vomit, And when the bed wouldn't work in one room she moved me to another and I almost fainted on her. She was really nice and held me up and got me all situated and kept checking on me every few minutes. 

When my husband came back from lunch with my son Trust, the nurse unhooked me and took me out to my car. She told my husband if the Homecare nurses didn't call THAT DAY to call her, because she knew how badly I needed it.

We rushed from my appointment to my sons doctor appointment. I sat in the car with my red puke bowl, thinking of all the events of the day.. Poor Trust has had the worst Sinus infection and cough and he did one round of antibiotics but it never went away fully. We've had SO many sleepless nights taking care of him + me, we are ready for everyone to be healthy again!

I have a interesting week ahead. As we wait to see if the Zofran Medicine pump is covered by our insurance, I'm left with a little bit of hope and fear. Hope that it will work and that I won't be bedridden. Fear of the whole needle, swelling, unfunness of it. I'm realizing with every good effect something gives you, there is always a negative effect. Hoping I can push through all of this and not be overcome by everything. Trusting God even though I can't see what's in front of me.

UPDATE!! Home care is coming tomorrow and starting me on the Zofran Pump! Relief is in sight. These home care nurses are ANGELS. The woman I spoke with on the phone kept calling me honey and was really sweet. We already got the meds and everything tonight from a mail currier. ALSO, since our deductable is met,the home care is COMPLEYELY covered!! Praise The Lord!!!!!