Story of Joy

This being our 2nd pregnancy with Hyperemesis Gravidarum, we had an opportunity to 1.) Be depressed, give up, push God away & be bitter OR 2.) Find the good, be thankful, and press into Jesus & Trust Him even when we walk through "the valley".

Unfortunately, with my last pregnancy with our son Trust, I chose option #1 most of the time. I was SO afraid after losing our 1st baby a year and a half earlier, that the same thing would happen again, PLUS I had NO idea what was happening to my body. Light, sound, movement, smells anything and everything made me throw up. Even something touching my mouth made me vomit. I felt like I was being tortured. Minute by minute, second by second. I couldn't even sleep through the intense nausea. The only thing I could do was sing worship songs in my head because even the TV made me sick. It was the loneliest, darkest time of my life and I isolated myself. I gave up hope, I felt angry that God wouldn't take my suffering no matter how much I begged and pleaded. I became bitter at Him, I needed someone to blame for my pain, and He graciously took on my blame shifting and loved me through it. 

It took many months of counseling to realize God wasn't punishing me or wanting this to happen to me.. That my life & my son Trust's life was so valuable that the Enemy was hard pressed to try to steal, kill and destroy me and this precious babe. God showed me that despite these horrible things happening to me, He was DOING something, in me. Turning around the awful plans of the Enemy to harm me, and turning it around for His good. 

Hindsight is always 20/20. The verse I cling to now in ..James 1:2-3 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." Was not even a thought in my mind, but holds SO true if you really press into the hard thing you are facing. You won't be the same on the other side of the hardship for good or for bad if you stare it straight in the face. 

Which leads me to this pregnancy and choosing option #2. 

Looking down at the pregnancy test and seeing PREGNANT in that small window, made my world stand still for a moment. Remembering the pain and suffering and how I weathered it less than gracefully before. After finding out I was pregnant, I laid in bed depressed for a week. Fears creeped in my mind and I let them stay for a few days. Then one day, I got up out of bed ready to FIGHT. I prayed and asked God to strengthen me and thanked Him for this second chance to do things differently, PLUS blessing us with another child we thought we'd never have. For SOME REASON, beyond myself, I was able to get up and see things from a whole new perspective. This was my second chance. 

Psalm 40:2-3 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,out of the mud and mire;he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth,a hymn of praise to our God.Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him. 

I was out of the pit for a second, but knew the battle ahead would try to swallow me back up again. I had to rely on Gods strength and Trust Him through the battle, knowing He'd get us though it. 

The battle plan was simple. I knew I couldn't do this on my own strengths. I needed God to strengthen me daily & I couldn't isolate myself like I did before, I needed the prayers, support & help of others. 

After a vomiting fit I'd pray "God give me strength, help!" Then eat a bit, and throw up again. I was determined to fight and not give in. He has been my ROCK a solid place to stand on shaky ground.

We set up a support system of friends, family and our beloved church community to help with my son Trust, they would bring us meals, pray for us, help around the house etc... I reached out instead of trying to do everything on my own, and the difference between last pregnancy and this pregnancy is NIGHT and DAY. 

Don't get me wrong here, my Hyperemesis Gravidarum has been JUST as severe if not worse, landing me in the hospital 2 times + I still had to be on the Zofran pump and many more horrible things BUT the thing that has changed is ME. My mental state & my Trust in The Lord. I think that going through the last pregnancy really built that foundation for me to be where I am now. That my pain & suffering wasn't for no reason, it was just another piece to this Story God is weaving through our lives. And He is using the Stories of our kids!!

--------

2 days ago we got to see our sweet babe on the Ultrasound and found out we are having a GIRL!!! Like our son Trust, we decided to name her through what we feel like God is showing us or teaching us as a reminder for the rest of her life. We chose the name Story Joy. We really feel like this girl does and is going to have an amazing testimony & story to tell! She has also taught us to have Joy, not just surfacey happiness in even the toughest of circumstances and her life alone brings us such JOY! We feel so excited and loved seeing her during the ultrasound!

We have SO much to be Thankful for this Thanksgiving. Plus, I am pretty grateful I'll actually be able to eat and enjoy food!!! 😊

A week of 1sts

I'm almost 18 weeks pregnant & the effects of Hyperemesis Gravidarum are starting to wear off a bit, although a bit of nausea will probably stay with me my entire pregnancy. 

I've been having some good days full of 1sts this pregnancy! 

I went to church for the 1st time two weeks ago. I wasn't able to sing during worship because I would start gagging (which is hard for me!!), but man, it was SO good for my heart! The week I happened to come to church was the same week that the Kids ministry, Middle School & High School Ministry's were leading worship!! My husband is the Middle School Youth Pastor at our church, so I have a special place in my heart for those kids! I found myself in tears feeling so thankful to be able to be back at church + the fact our kids were leading, it was just such a sweet moment! I got TONS of hugs and smiles and it just felt good to be out in the world again. Some youth saw me in the cafe and asked if they could pray for me, I loved their prayers!! 

I went to the grocery for the 1st time this past Sunday. Me and my son Trust went to our favorite grocery store, Trader Joes! I told Trust he had two rules: To find the Turtle (the one they hide in the store & if a kid finds it they get a sucker!) and To stay with me. He followed both rules great! He was a HUGE helper and I gave him tasks to find certain foods. He also found a Turkey and we weren't sure if he was on display or if he was replacing the turtle so we took it over to where you get the sucker. We asked the Trader Joes employee and he said "yes that is who you are supposed to find! The turtle is on vacation" it was soo cute. He felt very proud of himself!

When we were finally ready to cash out, we told the cashier Tim we found the Turkey! Tim asked Trust "Are you going to be a big Brother soon?" Looking at my blossoming tummy & my pump slung over my shoulder. Trust replied "YES!" And I continued to tell him that this was my very 1st trip to the grocery store since being pregnant for 4 1/2 months and that I have been very sick and in and out of the hospital. He said "oh wow! Congrats on being up and about!" & told me he understands and has 3 kiddos of his own. In the middle of ringing up our items he waved to an employee and whispered something to him. The employee came back with a bouquet of fall flowers WITH 2 pink & white Lilies in them (we named our 1st babe that we lost on Easter Lily & I have a pink & white Lily tattoo!) and he handed them to me and said "I'm glad you're up and about and I hope you continue to get better!" I nearly burst into tears and said "Thank you! This means so much to me right now!" I just feel like every step I take, Jesus is using people to show me His GREAT love and that He SEES me in this time. 

I picked Trust up from Preschool for the 1st time ever! I had never even been to his preschool before that day because he started right when things were going down hill for me. When I peeked my head in the room he said "mommy? Mommy!!!!! I didn't know you were picking me up today! Do you want to see my cubby?!" He felt happy and proud to show me his class. It was so nice!

I bought my 1st baby purchase! A fox lovey, a diaper changing pad & some curtains! 

Me and my Son Trust went out together for a "Date" for the 1st time yesterday. Before getting SO sick me and Trust went on TONS of adventures. We would go on dates and sit in Starbucks and just talk about Legos while he'd munch on Chips & sip apple juice. But a lot has changed and it has been VERY hard on him. He would ask me "Do you still love me? Will you be sick forever? Are you going to die?" I did my best to reassure him I would only be sick for a little while and that my love would never change for him. So yesterday was a very emotional 1st for us!! 

We went to Blue Star Barbershop and Got his hair cut (the 1st time in 6 months!) which he LOVES to do. He feels very grown up and cool when he gets his hair cut at the Barbershop + the lady Stacey who cuts his hair has kids and does so well asking him questions and keeping him happy. 

After the Barbershop Trust asked if we could go to the mall and play on the play place (it was freezing that day!) so I told him absolutely even though by that time I was starting to get epically nauseated. I told him we'd have to get a snack through Starbucks before we went and he was happy! 

My sister & nieces met us at the Playplace at the mall & Trust ran over to me with the biggest smile on his face he said "mommy this is the best day ever!!" What was a seemingly normal day for us in the past had turned into "The best day ever" because of the horrible circumstances that kept us from doing happy normal things together. I almost burst into tears I felt so happy he was happy. 

I am seeing life so differently these days. We really do take for granted! Being on deaths door can do one of two things to you: 1.) make you bitter or 2.) Make you better.  I honestly feel like I am better for everything I am going through and cherish life so much more!

OH I have one more first! I felt babe move in my tummy for the first time 5 or so days ago and constantly since! I was starting to worry since I was approaching 18 weeks and hadn't felt anything, but now I feel him/her moving lots! We also have our next ultrasound in a little over a week. I am dying to know what our baby's gender is and to put a name to this sweet one! 

I am definitely discovering that I can't do as much as I want to do, but that is ok! I am SO much farther than were I was just 2 weeks ago when I couldn't even move without being super sick. I am taking every day as it comes and realizing every moment is a gift. I am so thankful this thanksgiving season and I am looking forward to learning more and more through this process! 

A Happy Birthday

Yesterday was my 28th Birthday. It was a beautiful, Autumn day and such a gift. My husband got me my favorite flowers, Orchids & gift cards to Target (my fave store) & iTunes! 

 I wasn't expecting to feel well enough to do anything, but got a shower & put on makeup for the 1st time in over 3 months to go to my Doctors appointment. I even wore real pants! 😄

At my doctors appointment we heard our sweet babes heart beat, beating strong and steady. My son Trust said "it sounds like a storm!" My doctor told me she could probably start seeing me every other week now since I am finally gaining some weight instead of losing and a little more stable. She also talked about weaning me off my pump in a few weeks which I told her scared me, but also was exciting at the same time. She said that fear is totally understandable with all I e been through. She also shared that in 4 weeks we get to do the ultrasound to check to see if the baby is developing normally and to find out if it's a boy or girl. I smiled really big because I've been counting down the days until we get to find out. You see, instead of feeling joy about pregnancy I've felt more like I am terminally ill. I think actually seeing our baby and putting a name to him/her will really make things seem more real. Trust thinks it's a girl and I'm thinking it's probably a boy, who knows! It's so fun!

After our appointment I still felt pretty good, so Brett suggested we go to Northstar (my all time favorite resturant) and celebrate! I told trust I wanted to go there earlier that morning and when we got to Northstar Trust said "Mommy you got your wish!" We sat outside to enjoy the weather as Me and Brett shared a chopped salad & trust devoured his kid budah bowl. I felt so happy to be out in the world. I told Brett it's been so long being out and about my senses felt overloaded! Every noise and smell and people moving was a lot for my hermit body to process. We took our time eating and I sat still, making sure none of what I just ate would come back up. 

After we ate, Trust pointed over to Jeni's Icecream and said "mom! you got your wish, my wish is some Icecream!" I laughed and said "why not!" So Trust and Brett got some sorbet & ice cream as we sat outside again enjoying the beautiful weather. 

We decided to try to go to Innis Woods (my favorite park!) because they have wheelchairs at the front so Brett could wheel me around. My sweet husband wheeled me around the entire park and I breathed deep and took in the beautiful fall scenery. I told Brett "I feel happy, like genuine happiness!" It was good medicine for the soul. Brett also snapped a few pics since he knows I love fall family photos, but we couldn't do it this year.

Later we went to my sisters house and met up with her and my parents and we ate potato soup & grilled cheese + cake! It was so nice to be present for the festivities instead of locked away in a room in silence. 

I'm honestly not sure what happened yesterday. I'm pretty sure yesterday was my Birthday Present from God. It was such a happy birthday and I'm so glad to have the friends and family I have. I am feeling very grateful these days.

Real Life- Eclipsed by Grace

These past 15 weeks have been some of the worst of my life. How can this be my real life? The nightmare I experienced with Hyperemesis Gravidarum robbed my first pregnancy & is at it again. 

I held back tears tonight knowing crying would make me throw up, mourning the fact I will never have a "normal pregnancy". Jesus met me in that realization and I thought of all of my sufferings. I said "God I can't candy coat this, this is what I'm going through" and laid it out.. 

Pregnancy glow? Try ghost white, drained face, with blood shot veins in my eyes, not to mention the acne taking over my body. I feel hideous.

My hair is in knots, matted from not shower for days. Risking a trip to the shower is not worth the breathlessness and boughts of uncontrollable vomiting that follow shortly after from doing too much. I should just shave my head. I feel more like a cancer patient going through rigorous chemo treatments. I would fit in better with them and probably be more understood.

I brushed my teeth for the first time in days. I used my sons toothpaste, it's milder than the extreme minty flavor of our adult toothpaste. I gently TRY to brush my tongue and start heaving into the sink.

The nausea never lets up. It won't leave me alone, not even with the cocktail of meds and the medicine pump I stick in my stomach every day. It won't let up even for a moment. IF I can fall asleep it helps for a while, but my nightly bathroom trip wrecks that. Even in my dreams I am nauseated and I'm dreaming more these days than Inception.

My stomach is bloated, crampy and hard as a rock. I know I look 6 months pregnant, but that is just my bowels pertruding out of my abdomen from the extreme constipation from the meds I am taking + pregnancy hormones. I am scared every bowel movement. The pain is so bad, I scream & cry to the point of almost passing out. 

I'm dehydrated but can't drink more than a few sips at a time. My mouth feels like I've been wandering a desert, but I haven't left my room. Food. I can't even write about food.. I hate it right now, though I know I need it. I stubbornly eat, knowing it may not stay down no matter my strong will.

I'm alone, isolated, I haven't left my house in months except for doctors appointments and trips to the hospital. I'm afraid to engage real life again. I've been through too much, it's seems impossible to reengage. 

I laid it out raw style. I knew He already knew, but I wanted to tell Him as his Daughter. A real moment. 

This is real life. Real life is ugly, raw, and hard. That is ok. You aren't weak or bad for experiencing "hard things" it's apart of life. It makes up our story. My seemingly microscopic faith gets tested daily. Sometimes I pass, sometimes I fail. It is hard to live in this tension between the Now (hard, painful stuff) and the Not Yet (when Gods kingdom breaks in & makes all things right & good). I feel the tension daily. But man do I see glimpses of the "Not Yet" that just utterly amaze me through it all. Especially when held up in front of the hard things I'm experiencing and I see an eclipse of Gods Grace, it's a beautiful sight. Only God could make my mess into a message of Hope & Grace. I'd be a lost cause without His redemption!

I've been keeping a list of all the ways people have helped us and huge ways God has provided for us (like our AC/heat getting repaired for free & my medicine pump being completely covered by insurance). The list is SO LONG like over 100 things. It's that grace eclipse held up in front of all of the suffering. What do I have to fear? Is my God not with me?! He IS ever present in times of need. My eyes get hazy sometimes and I forget. I'm so glad I have that written list. Because the road is long and we DO forget over and over the ways God has come through for us. I encourage you, Trust. When it's hard, when you want to quit, Trust The Lord is with you. Not in a Chistian way that becomes religious, but really in those REAL moments, when no one is watching, just you and Jesus. Have those hard convos. Be raw, be real. It's life changing stuff!

The Valleys and Hills of HG

The Valleys and Hills of Hyperemesis Gravidarum are treacherous. 

Last week I was in an incredible Valley. I was unable to move without throwing up, seeing a number on the scale that should be creeping up, but instead watching it plummet down. Constipation so bad I am crying because I feel like I'm passing boulders + the cramping makes me throw up.. Battle wounds, like mougles on my stomach from the many sites where my husband sticks me with a needle that is connected to the pump that continuously gives me medicine. My doctor told me if I continued on this path, I would be admitted to the hospital this week because I am already on the pump "The Big Guns" as he called it, and not doing well. He prescribed me ANOTHER medicine to try Diclegis to see if it would help and had me schedule an appointment with him the following week to see if I needed admitted to the hospital. 

My doctor gave me IV fluids in the office that day to get me through the day. The nurse had trouble finding my veins because of the dehydration and the only thing I ate that day was a small bag of potato chips. I tried not to cry as the bag of fluids got into my system.. 

The picture Above is only 2 days in with the pump. The sites are super painful and itchy. I am almost 2 weeks in now, so picture this only x4! 

We reevaluated our lives again and we decided I absolutely could NOT take care of Trust without full time support. Every time I got up to get Trust a drink or snack I ended up throwing up and got worse as the week wore on. I couldn't do another week like that without being in serious trouble.

My family were on vacation, sick or couldn't help, so we tapped into our amazing community of friends to help us out. Trust had so much fun and I was able to stay put and keep food down, FINALLY!

 I am now climbing the hill out of the valley. I had my weekly check in with my doctor to follow my progress and he looked at me and said you look much better! I told him I felt a lot better and took his advice to get help and stay still all week and it really helped. He told me to keep on this progress and to come back next week to make sure I don't sink back into another valley. He also suggested I take a motion sickness medication to see if it would help me get around better. 

The hardest thing about HG is the constant ups and downs. From one moment to the next it feels like things are getting better then the next I'm crying over my puke bucket, unable to breathe from violent boughts of vomiting. 

I'm struggling hard with the isolation of this condition as well. Although I want to see and talk to people, I literally can't talk on the phone or to people in person without feeling like I am going to throw up. Plus it's very embarrassing to throw up in front of people especially if it's a really intense moment where I throw up so violently I pee my pants. Yeah, I know ugly, right? 

It took me a LONG time after having Trust last time before I could reengage with people again. Plus, when you are going through something so hard and severe it is hard to relate to people or to not feel like a weird-o. 

I'm really being honest here! I know that it's not all for nothing. I see that even now.. This week alone I've heard from 5 momma's with HG & severe morning sickness that have told me "because of your honesty, It makes me realize I'm not alone!" To me, just knowing that I'm not the only one, that I'm not weird or whatever gives me so much hope to press forward. PLUS! There is an amazing gift at the end of all of this.. A Sweet, beautiful baby!!! Holding fast to Hope even amidst such suffering is all we can do in the meantime. 

The Pump.

After an emergency doctor appointment at my doctors office + getting fluids in the office, they decided the next step to treat the Hyperemesis Gravidarum was the Zofran Medicine Pump & home care. 

My Homecare nurse came by the next day with the pump and gave me a very thorough run through of how it works. I had the Zofran Pump with my last pregnancy, but I was SO AFRAID of it that I hardly retained much when the nurse showed me how to use it. This time around it was no big deal and I remembered a lot of the info from before. Last time, I was also REALLY scared to poke myself with the needle anywhere but my legs, but this time I tried my stomach (I hear it isn't as painful as the legs). The nurse also gave me an extra shot of Zofran to get me at a good place so I felt better. I felt "good" for a while with the extra shot and I was even able to play the board game LIFE with my son. It was a bright spot in a lot of dark days. He was so happy I was playing with him!

I've been having troubles adjusting to having a tube attached to me, and when I got up, I pulled it right off! My son Trust has also been a little afraid to sit next to me. He is afraid the pump is going to poke him or that he was going to hurt me! I assured him that he wouldn't get hurt and we read the book 'Mamma has Hyperemesis Gravidarum (but only for a while)' and talked about everything. He is still not sure about it but I assured him the Pump was helping mama! 

Sleeping was also an adjustment. I felt nervous turning over with the tubes attached and the site was getting sore. The Pump went off at 7:30am telling us to change the syringe and when I sat up I started dry heaving. I had Brett get everything I needed to change it and a muffin.  :)

I am still struggling to drink and eat today.  Every time I get up I'm retching and so sick. I have hope that the pump will help, and at least I don't have to take medicine by mouth, but I'm nervous it won't work and I'll just keep being miserable. Time will tell! 

13 weeks, emergency doc visit

Before pregnancy and during pregnancy picture 😳

The past week or so I've tried really hard to manage my HG (Hyperemesis Gravidarum) on my own and this morning after a vomiting fit, I decided I needed help. I called the nurse line at my doctors office and explained that it was like my meds just stopped working because I was vomiting and SUPER nauseated no matter what. She scheduled me an emergency Doctor appointment, and the doctor suggested a few things and I told him I had already tried everything. I knew what was next, The Zofran Pump. I had the Zofran pump with my last HG pregnancy with my son and although it helps, it HURTS, is super expensive, and home care nurses monitor you with it. You literally stick it into your leg or stomach (yourself or with help from a family member), it sucks and is awesome at the same time. I told him I was familiar with the Zofran pump and was willing to give it a shot. 

He also suggested I get hooked up to an IV for fluids in the office, so the nurse guided me back to the room. I was trying everything within me to not vomit, And when the bed wouldn't work in one room she moved me to another and I almost fainted on her. She was really nice and held me up and got me all situated and kept checking on me every few minutes. 

When my husband came back from lunch with my son Trust, the nurse unhooked me and took me out to my car. She told my husband if the Homecare nurses didn't call THAT DAY to call her, because she knew how badly I needed it.

We rushed from my appointment to my sons doctor appointment. I sat in the car with my red puke bowl, thinking of all the events of the day.. Poor Trust has had the worst Sinus infection and cough and he did one round of antibiotics but it never went away fully. We've had SO many sleepless nights taking care of him + me, we are ready for everyone to be healthy again!

I have a interesting week ahead. As we wait to see if the Zofran Medicine pump is covered by our insurance, I'm left with a little bit of hope and fear. Hope that it will work and that I won't be bedridden. Fear of the whole needle, swelling, unfunness of it. I'm realizing with every good effect something gives you, there is always a negative effect. Hoping I can push through all of this and not be overcome by everything. Trusting God even though I can't see what's in front of me.

UPDATE!! Home care is coming tomorrow and starting me on the Zofran Pump! Relief is in sight. These home care nurses are ANGELS. The woman I spoke with on the phone kept calling me honey and was really sweet. We already got the meds and everything tonight from a mail currier. ALSO, since our deductable is met,the home care is COMPLEYELY covered!! Praise The Lord!!!!!

ER #2- a glimpse of goodness

Sooo the last 3 days I've been spiraling down to that place where when you get there, nothing you do at home will help. 

Dehydration is one of the big concerns when you have a pregnancy with Hyperemesis Gravidarum, so I called my nurse to see if I could come into the office to get some IV's before things got any worse. Unfortunately, there was no one at the office that could adminster the IV so they sent me to the ER to get hydrated. I wrestled for a minute weighing the pros and cons and decided it was something I needed to do to get back on track before things got to a bad place. 

We waited for a long time (like 2 hours!) in the waiting room and I was holding back the urge to puke because I have a big anxiety about throwing up in front of people, but knowing that with HG you can't always hold it back. So I held tightly to my puke bag and tried to breathe deeply.

We got to the room and it was a long process to get blood work done, then finally get the anti nausea medicine I desperately needed + 2 bags of fluids and 1 bag of fluids & dextrose. By the time the 1st bag got into my system + the Zofran for nausea, I was feeling a glimpse of relief and hope! My friend Maggie made us some Amazing soup and her hubby Austin brought it out to us and I was able to actually enjoy what I was eating without gagging and retching. I smiled really big and turned to my husband Brett and said "I feel happy." I haven't felt that relief and happiness for a long time now. It was a wonderful glimpse of goodness. I wish I could have that kind of care all day long! 

I told Brett I've been feeling like Frodo at the end of Lord of the Rings when he is talking to Sam after they had suffered much on their long journey, when he says: "I can't recall the taste of food... nor the sound of water... nor the touch of grass." The simple joys and good things get lost in the misery of everyday and after suffering much it's hard to believe things could be normal and good again. 

Being only 11 weeks is a scary place to be in with all of this madness. I know all too well the risk of miscarriage is highest in the 1st trimester and when the nurse did the Doppler to try to find the heart beat, she couldn't find it. She explained to me that this early it's tricky to find a heart beat since the babe is so small, But I couldn't help but feel that desperation rise up in me to want to keep trying. You see I was about 11-12 weeks pregnant with my 1st pregnancy and my doctor couldn't find a heart beat and found out my babe died in my womb. I know being so sick is a good indication that everything is ok, but man it is still scary!! I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday and I'm hoping to find some peace of mind then. Ugh, it is not easy being a parent! 😩

Despite all of this craziness, I have been fighting my hardest to eat even when I throw up, then eat to replace what I threw up, and on and on. It takes a lot of stubbornness to keep this cycle going and I am pretty stubborn! I think that is what has helped me this time around. :)

I am 12 weeks this week and see my doctor on Tuesday. I'm hoping the fluids I received today will carry me through until then.  

Love is Worth the Fight

I see my love there, 9 months across a battlefield

The war in front of me will try to claim my life

But I'm not afraid, 'cuz love is worth the fight.

Some days I want to give up, hours feel like days

But I won't surrender to this death dark as night

It won't steal my light, cuz love is worth the fight

I started the beginning of a song this morning, thinking of the struggle and battle of Hyperemesis Gravadium. It is literally a fight every second that takes a choice to keep going and not surrender to the  debilitating condition. At moments, love is the only thing that keeps you going, remembering there is a point to all the suffering. A sweet baby. Hold tight to hope. Love is worth the fight! 

 

Small steps, small bites, not out of the woods yet

After my last episode of vomiting uncontrollably due to Hyperemesis Gravadium (a condition during pregnancy that causes extreme nausea and vomiting) and going to the hospital for meds and fluids, I'm glad at report I am doing better-ish. I haven't thrown up in 4 days, which is a miracle, but the constant nagging nausea & gagging reminds me I'm not out of the woods yet. 

After I got out of the hospital, my family had a secret meeting about how to take care of Trust AND me, since I'm unable to take care of myself without throwing up violently while getting up to do anything. My family is amazing. They made a weekly schedule to take care of me and Trust. On Monday my husband is home from work & on Tuesdays & Thursdays I go to my sisters house around the corner & on Wednesday and Friday my mom & Dad take care of me & Trust, Saturday my hubby is home & Sunday my Grandma.  They get me something to munch on every two hours like a smoothie, banana, muffin and I just lie still and try my best to keep it down. It's going well like I said, but it can be hard to rely so heavily on other people to care for you and lonely to not be able to move or talk much. You just sort of feel helpless.

Surviving the misery of constant nausea and gagging + hating every time I have to eat, choking it down as I gag + the bordem that ensues of day in day out watching TV, unable to move + only showering every 4 days risking a vomiting fit + losing connection with the world is maddening at times. Honestly though, I don't even have time to think if I am depressed or about my emotions because the reality of the misery of everyday is all I can deal with from moment to moment. 

Like last time, I realize the trauma of suffering through something like this usually hits later. I spent months in counseling hashing through all the emotions of sadness, torture & desperation I felt. Unfortunately, I had a lot more to deal with last time b/c I had some MAJOR complications that almost took my life on several occasions. That kind of stuff shakes you up in a way that you're not sure you will ever be the same. I wrestled through so much depression and luckily I had an amazing counselor + wrote lots of music to get me through all of it. 

I am a singer songwriter so music is a huge way I work through things and I wrote a song when I was starting to heal from depression and Post Traumatic Stress called "Out of the Woods". In the song it talks about anxiety, depression, addiction being like this deep dark wood. The farther in you go, the harder it is to get out. The end talks about how Gods word & truth is the light that guides us out of the darkness and it really speaks true to my situation. God is the only one able to speak to the broken, dark, sad, terrible places we have been through. He can and will draw you out of that place if you look for him. I find myself in that place again because of circumstances trying to swallow me up and it's ok. It's a journey, a process and it molds us into who we are.

Watch the music video for Out of the Woods: http://youtu.be/qygHNLcovVg

Tips for surviving Hyperemesis Gravadium

A

I wrote this post after having my son Trust, and now I find myself referencing this post again as I'm 10 weeks pregnant and have extreme nausea and vomiting or Hyperemesis Gravadium again. I've picked up some new tricks along the way that I wanted to add to my list of helpful tricks for surviving Hyperemesis Gravadium :)

----

I had one of the WORST Pregnancy experiences known to women. 

After about a week of being pregnant I got EXTREME "Morning Sickness" or as I would call it "All Morning, Noon and Night Sickness". I couldn't see light, smell scents, see movement, hear noises, put anything in my mouth, move my body, etc without violently throwing up. It got to the point where my body was so starved and dehydrated I had to have home care and special IV nausea Medication that they give to Cancer Patients. The Doctors soon found out I had a rare condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum. It's just a Lofty term for extreme nausea and vomiting during pregnancy. Below are some tips I got from my Home Care Nurses at Alere that literally saved my life. I have given them to MANY of my pregnant friends too! 

YOU CAN DO THIS. It may be the hardest thing you've ever had to fight for, but in the end you get an amazing gift!

Tips for Nausea from my Home Care Nurse (& 2nd time with Hyperemesis.)

-keep a mixing bowl or big chip bowl with you in case you need to vomit. Having something with me at all times alleviates my stress about making it to the toilet in time. Plus the smells in the bathroom and makes things worse.

-Prenatal vitamins can increase your nausea, while feeling sick try flintstone or chewable vitamins!

-smelling essential oils like lemon & peppermint can help with nausea! (Peppermint under my nose helps with random smells that make me throw up)

-keep a buffet of snacks & drinks with you at all times. :)

-Eat small, frequent meals. (EVERY 2 HOURS) Too much food on your stomach can make you sick. Lots of snacks! Bananas, Pretzels, teddy grahams, mashed potatoes, canned fruit and dry cereals are good. I ate a lot of boxed breakfast cereals and it got me through.

-Smoothies!!! Have banana be the main ingredient and add protein powder (I use rice protein) + rice or soy milk (dairy is hard to digest) + whatever fruit sounds good. Try to avoid acidic fruits. Maybe even add peanut butter for protien if you can stomach it! 

-choose BLAND foods! Starches are the best.

-No intense flavors like garlic, terryaki, onion, NO acidic things like tomato sauce, certain acidic fruits like orange.

-Be careful with dairy (Dairy is hard to digest) and meat (NO RED MEAT! It sits in your stomach for 24 hours and is hard to digest)

-COLD Fluids- Carbonated water like LaCroix, Dasani Sparkling, Suck on Ice, Drink Gatorade (balance gatorade w/other liquids), slushies, strawberry or raspberry Lemonade, Hawaiian Punch, Kool-aide, ginger ale, sprite, and popsicles instead of water. Also add Ice to whatever you drink! It helps for some reason! Straight Water sits in your stomach and can make you feel nauseated.

Easily Digested Carbohydrates:
-Saltines or other low fat crackers
-Graham crackers
-Bread or toast, white or wheat
-Plain Bagels, English Muffins
-Pretzels
-Vanilla wafers, angel food cake
-Ginger Snaps
-Rice, Noodles
-Baked Potato, Mashed Potato
-Cream of Wheat, Oatmeal, Grits
-Dry cereals (lucky charms is my fave)
-Canned peaches/pears, applesauce
-Ripe Bananas

-Muffins have helped me a lot this time around!

-chew on some beef jerky for protein. (if you can stomach it!) my doc suggested this but I couldn't do it 😖

-Drink Ensure if you can't do prenatal vitamins to supplement my diet with some vitamins. It has lots of good stuff in it! Like protein and folic acid.

-Keep snacks by your bed at night and munch on them if you wake up in the middle of the night, or for in the morning right when you wake up, it helps!

-lay still throughout the day, movement can make you even more sick.

-Take naps! The more tired you get the worse your nausea can get.

-If toothpaste makes you sick try brushing with just water or baking soda.

-Don't lay down right after eating, it can cause acid reflux!

-Stay away from strong smells like Cooking (someone else might have to cook and tell them to turn the fan on and open a window), cleaning products and perfumes.

-watch lots of movies, Get Netflix & watch tv series like: Pretty Little Liars, Gilmore Girls (coming to Netflix October 2014), or ones your hubby hates watching with you :)

-Find the perfect combination of medications that works for you. I switched medications MANY times until I found the winning combo. One of the keys for me was taking Pepcid to help with acid reflux. I ended up getting so sick both pregnancies that I ended up being on the Zofran Pump + Diclegis as well. Those plus Pepcid & a stool softener changed the Hyperemesis game for me! I was starting to be able to eat again in small portions & not AS dehydrated.

**You may lose some weight in the beginning because of being so sick. Don't worry! Your baby is NOT effected. They are feeding off of YOUR nutrients supply stored up in your body, so you are really the one that the doctors are worrying about in the beginning. Plus your baby is so tiny, they don't need much! 

**Just be careful with Dehydration! If you are dizzy, have dry mouth, have low urine output and have been unable to drink or have been throwing up everything you've been drinking you'll need to get IV Fluids at the ER! Dehydration is serious for you and your baby. 

**Be talking with your doctor about how bad your sickness is! There is a lot they can do! They can prescribe Anti Nausea Meds that are safe and they can prescribe Home Care where you can be monitored by nurses over the phone & get Meds through a medicine pump you stick in your leg if you can't take meds by mouth.

*** if you are vomiting for 24 hours and unable to drink or eat, Call your nurses at your doctors office and GO TO THE ER. The ER will give you fluids and anti nausea medicine through IV that will help you from spiraling down and being able to take care of yourself. Depending on how badly dehydrated you are, they may admit you to keep fluids in you! I went to the ER this week and got the fluids I needed and I have felt much better the past 2 days! (I'm still nauseated but able to maintain on my own with meds) 

------------------

If you have ANY questions please feel free to ask me! Or if you need emotional support I'd love to be a listening ear too. 

My email is: storyoftrust@gmail.com 

My trip the ER with Hyperemesis

Yesterday, I was fighting really hard against severe nausea & vomiting, but I decided to finally surrender and call my doctor (again). I was almost in tears at the defeat, beacause I knew what they would tell me on the other end of the phone. I explained I only sipped 8oz of fluids that day and threw up most of what I drank so the nurse told me "Go strait to the ER and we will send an order for fluids and medicine. Follow up with us tomorrow and we might have to start you on the Zofran pump." 

I sat up to call my husband Brett and started throwing up whatever remnants of fluid were left in my system. 

We made plans for my sister and mom to hang out with our sweet 4 year old, and headed to the hospital. I held back tears in the car as we listened to the song "Come as You Are" By David Crowder. The lyrics hit home:

"Come out of sadness from wherever you’ve been, Come broken hearted let rescue begin, Come find your mercy, Oh sinner come kneel

Earth has no sorrow that Heaven can’t heal, Earth has no sorrow that Heaven can’t heal

So lay down your burdens, lay down your shame
All who are broken, lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home, You’re not too far
So lay down your hurt, lay down your heart

Come as you are"

We got to the hospital and there was NO WAIT in the waiting room! Which is absolutely unheard of in my experience. One of my fears is throwing up in front of people so the idea of sitting in a waiting room with my big bright red chip bowl, made my anxieties rise, but I never had to experience any of that since we got right in! 

All my nurses and doctors were super nice and listened to me. With my past pregnancy with Hyperemesis Gravadium, I was a lot more timid and unsure of what I was feeling, but this time around I knew what to say and what meds I do well with. 

They gave me 3 bags of liquids through an IV and anti nausea meds that helped a bit, but not fully with the nausea. The doctor gave me the choice to go home and follow up with my doctor in the morning or stay and be admitted. After 5 hoursin the ER, I was ready to go home and try my luck. At my discharge they gave me an official diagnosis of Hyperemesis Gravadium. 

I went straight to bed, stomach in knots, but I knew sleep was the only place I wouldn't experience the nausea, so I tried to relax and get some rest. 

As I'm fighting this good fight of bringing a life into this world, I know that I am going to get some "battle scars" along the way. I wrote a song titled "Battle Scars" that talks about how we all get wounded, but that our battle scars will heal as we press into God. As they heal I'm hoping to help others going through something similar. I also think it's cool that Jesus keeps his scars from the cross. To remind US of what He did for us. There is power in scars. They remind us of what we've been through and not to forget!

Watch/Listen to "Battle Scars" here:

http://youtu.be/zvwAtKFj3pw

A heartbeat of hope

On Tuesday I saw my new doctor for the first time and had my first ultrasound! 

I liked her right away. She looked down at the bright red bowl in my hand and said "not feeling so good these days?" To which I answered "not at all". I grasped tightly to my bowl, uncertain how much longer I could hold down my partially eaten lunch. 

I leaned back and looked over to the black and white ultrasound screen, when I saw it! A cute little bean with a racing heartbeat on the screen. He/she even moved around a bit for us! My eyes watered up and I couldn't stop smiling. This was the hope I needed to keep going. 

My doc upped my meds and prescribed a dissolvable tablet for me to take. 

That night and the next day started a not so fun trend of throwing up every time I got up. (7 or more times, I lost count) I couldn't keep anything down so I called the nurses at my doctors office. They prescribed me a new medicine + an anti acid. I took the new medicine that night and it knocked me out. The next day I took it first thing in the AM (I have a window of 10 min in the morning where I feel ok) and I felt like a zombie, in and out of sleep unable to keep my eyes open long. I think it helped my nausea and vomiting, not because it actually helps but because you sleep most of the time. 

My son is 4 and he was happy playing Legos and watching lots of cartoons. He is such a great independent player and knows where his snacks and drinks are and helps himself! He is such a good boy. I don't know how some momma's do it with young-ins. 

I am struggling this morning. Brett got me a bowl of cereal that I threw up shortly after because I got up to get my medicine. I am unable to move currently, remaining as still as possible, trying to keep it together. I'm not sure what to do from here. How can I take a shower, take care of Trust, eat, go to the bathroom without throwing up? I haven't showered for 3 days did I mention that? I haven't eaten a full meal in... I'm not sure how long. I can't smell food cooking without gagging and retching. My legs are like noodles. My eyes are bloodshot...

I'm praying constantly. "God help. Get me through these next 2 days, 2hours, 2 minutes. Keep this baby strong. Help me to be strong." On and on and on.. But When I saw that little glimmer of hope in that heartbeat on the ultra sound, I knew God has given me all that I need to get through this. That sometimes life is a struggle. You aren't always going to be happy. There are parts in this journey that are hard and that is ok. I love how God sprinkles those little breadcrumbs of hope along the way. To keep us going, to help us not lose sight of what we are fighting for. 

Hours feel like days, days feel like an eternity

I'm 9 weeks pregnant today HORAAY! 

It's 5:30am and I am awake and my stomach betrays me when I get up to get a glass of water to take my anti nausea meds. As I'm retching over the kitchen sink I'm crying, and crying out to God "get me through this!! Make me brave!! I seriously can't do this, but I'm Trusting you to make me strong enough." I'm pounding the counter frustrated at my body being stronger than my will. 

Yesterday started miserably and I was hoping today would offer the relief I needed. Yesterday I threw up EVERYTIME I got out of bed. I was in good spirits at the beginning of the day making jokes with my mom about how I was only going to eat things that taste good coming back up, but by the end of the day my body ached from retching,  shaking and I felt weary. Hours feel like Days, days feel like an eternity. It's tourtureous.

It's been a slow fade. From what I read, 8-10 weeks is when your body produces the most hormones and when sickness is at it's worst and when  hyperemesis gravidarum starts to kick up. 

I've been holding out because tomorrow is when I see my doctor and will hopefully start making some hard choices about treatment. I was on a medicine pump last time that made it so I could function better even though it didn't fully take away the persistent, always there, nausea. 

More than getting the help I desperately need, I can't wait to see my sweet babe on the ultrasound. It's REALLY HARD to believe that I am pregnant at this point. It feels more like I'm undergoing cancer treatments & dying instead of carrying a precious baby. So when I see that hope appear on the ultrasound screen, I will gain a bit more strength that I need to get through this...Living motivation that there is goodness on the other side of suffering.  

Flash backs, confronting fear, trusting God.

This morning I woke up terribly sick to my stomach, with the room spinning. When I got up to use the restroom, I took my trusty puke bowl with me. I retched and cried into my old familiar friend, flashing back to my last pregnancy with hyperemesis gravidarum. I got back in bed and didn't move for a long time, the room still spinning about. My husband came in to check on me and I just cried and cried saying "I can't do this again! I'm not strong enough! I have to take care of Trust now too!" He reassued me it would be okay, but panic was settling in. 

I had JUST talked and prayed with a friend the night before about how being pregnant again was bringing up a LOT of past fears and memories.. It's never easy to dig up hard things, and no matter how much I've tried to say "every pregnancy is different, stop thinking about last time!" I get tense, bracing myself for what "could" be. 

My husband worked from home and went in around 1pm and my mom came shortly after he left. She had the same look of panic on her face too. Memories clouding her vacant motions of tidying up my house. She saw me through the roughest, toughest, near death nights. She understands. She is so selfless, but it's not easy for her..

I called my nurse and never heard anything back, and around 2pm the dizziness subsided. I can almost be sure it was Vertigo that I was experiencing this morning (increased progesterone and sinus issue most likely to blame). I was able to sit with my son and snuggle for a bit. 

I'm honestly hoping this morning was a fluke. I'm still feeling quite nauseated but not to the extreme I experienced this morning. 

In a way I'm glad I had an honest moment and breakdown of how I was REALLY feeling. It freed me up in a sense and I know it's OK not to be "strong" but to lean on the One who can carry me through this, who is strong when I am weak. Jesus says "Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.." I think the kind of rest he's talking about is rest from worry and trying to control what we can't control. I'm trying my best to REST. Truly rest through all of the flash backs, fears, worries etc. I am learning to TRUST again that He is WITH me through all of this and worship Him even when the outcome isn't what I want. 

Trusting God with Baby #2

Anyone that knows me knows pregnancy is not my thing. Not because I don't love children (I LOVE KIDS SO MUCH!), but because my last 2 pregnancies did not go so well. 

My 1st pregnancy started out well and ended tragically in a miscarriage on Easter Sunday 2008. My second pregnancy with my son Trust was one of the worst and hardest experiences of my life starting with life threatening Hyperemesis Gravadium (extreme nausea and vomiting) and ending with pre eclampsia, congestive heart failure and years of recovery from digestional issues and thyroid problems. I basically ruled pregnancy out and said "it'd have to be a miracle for me to ever get pregnant again."

Well that miracle has happened! Hahaha! I laugh because that's all I can do, right?! 

I knew something was up before I took the test because my love for coffee turned to a disgust for the taste. This is a major indication for me something is wrong, amongst other symptoms. I took a pregnancy test the day before we went to our churches Middle School summer camp. It was one of the blue tests where you get a blue plus sign if you are pregnant and there was a very faint blue line making a plus symbol on the test, so I thought there was an error and went off to camp. 

At camp my stomach was sick a lot but I didn't think anything of it because camp food is just BAD. Haha! I was also supposed to start my period at camp, but nothing happened. I thought it was a stroke of good luck, but when I got home I took the other pregnancy test in the box only this time the plus was very evident. I kind of felt happy and dread mix together and asked Brett to get a digital clear blue test to check the results. And sure enough, the test read "Pregnant". 

Me and my husband Brett didn't get a wink of sleep that night.. All I could think about was the possible impending sickness that debilitated me so severely during my pregnancy with Trust, or the thought of losing this baby like my 1st pregnancy. 

I called my doctor on Friday and didn't hear anything back until Monday which made me even more nervous! The nurse had me come in that day for blood work and prescribed me Progesterone (a hormone that helps you not miscarry). I was glad they were on top of it, but I'm anxious to hear back about the blood test! 

Me and my husband Brett have had lots of discussions about baby #2 and made a "disaster prep plan" in case I get sick again. Meal plans, care needs and big priority, putting a TV in our room. Haha!! My husband is the greatest. The same night we talked about it, he hung up the big flat screen TV he had just gotten for $50 at the church and got a Roku so I can watch Netflix. :)

I made a decision to take this pregnancy one step at a time. Like my pastor says walking out faith is "left foot, right foot" and over time you'll see how far you've come but it doesn't happen overnight. So that's what I'm doing every day, hard or not, left foot right foot. Trusting God even when I can't see, leaning into His arms.

At camp we sang the song Oceans and it has never meant more to me than it does now. Especially "you call me out upon the waters, the great unknown, where feet may fail, and there I find you in the mystery, in oceans deep, my faith will stand." 

God doesn't always call us to what is easy or even what we understand, but we will find Him in it.